Husband fucked up

Cw pushing

Last Monday, my husband (29) and I (24f) were arguing about something school-related (we're both university students). We were both pretty heated. I went to turn off his XBOX, and he got in my way and used his body to block me (like sports -- no hands, but a tough stop). It made me stumble back. His reasoning for blocking me is he has trauma from his Mom hitting him, kicking him, and throwing objects at him, at times for playing video games. He's done things in the past that have scared me during arguments before. He punched a wall, for example. That's among other red flags, such as yelling. This time, I just got super fed up with the fear tactics, this time being the way he blocked me. I got in his face, and started feigning smacking him while saying "I want you to feel the fear that I do". He told me to back off and then pushed me, and I fell on my tailbone. Things started to deescalate after that, and he has been genuinely remorseful (meaning he's not just feeling sorry for himself, but honoring my perspective) since, and has taken steps without my prompting to address the root of the issue (looking for therapy). He has said that he never should've pushed me, and sorry for pushing me and scaring me. He's always been someone I can trust when he says he won't do something bad again, so for that I believe him that it won't happen again. But it's also something that we know shouldn't have happenened in the first place.

I have absolutely no one to talk to about this irl (no friends, family sux). All I know to do is follow internet advice, which mainly says I should leave. Other ideas are to change how I communicate with him to be more self-centered, and hold firm boundaries and then potentially leave. I've been doing the latter. Either way, I think the advice is off base bc of the context that I was in his face and pretending to smack him (that can be considered emotional abuse but internet says it doesn't "count" bc he had already made me feel threatened). I think it at least makes sense for someone to react that way when you're in their face, they have diagnosed anxiety, and you are triggering traumatic memories. Not an excuse, not acceptable, but makes sense.

I told him I want to want to wait to discuss the context of the push until there's a counselor in the room, and he agreed. For now, we're both operating off of the one objective fact that he shouldn't have pushed me. But fuck has it been terrible on my mental health to have literally no one to talk about the WHOLE story with.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

TLDR; i got in my husbands face feigning smacking him, and he pushed me. we both agree there's a pattern of abuse, and he's getting help. I have no one to talk to, so I had to vent somewhere.