I can't stop flirting
Hi everyone, I have a problem I'm dealing with and would like some advice.
I've been in a committed relationship the last few years but I find that when I'm anxious or not feeling confident about myself, I'll go out and flirt with woman on social media. Some things that I believe amplify it is that I set wildly large goals and I'm always comparing myself to where I want to be. I can see how that cycle might further propel me down that road of feeling anxious or not worthy. I don't believe I would act on the opportunity if it presents itself but I'm finding that, flirting, is giving me some sort of validation in myself. It's been an ongoing problem for some time and although I stop for a while, I end up wandering back. It's never the same women either. I truly feel that I love my girlfriend and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I'm almost addicted to the dopamine hits I get from flirting.
How can I overcome this and find other ways to feel valuable in my own life without being unfaithful?
@Charles310 It's like you plucked this right out of my brain. I'm dealing with the same issue and is somehting I am talking through with my counselor. I truly hope it is something that can be overcome as it is like an addiction - that high you get from the shared attraction you find with another -- that newness, ego boost, connection and validation. Very hard to ignore and to choose to live without. If I find a solution, I will share and I hope you will too!
@Charles310
I guess it is important to understand what prompted you to flirt. Try to understand or noticed the triggers that lead to those behaviours. For example: After your last flirtiing experience, try to record down what happend, your feelings, your emotions, any arguments, or situations that prompted to go and flirt. Also noticed, where you are flirting and how you are doing it? Is it it geared towards a particular type of person/occupation/ place etc e.g., an air stewdardess etc.
You can also ask yourself if you are satisfied in the sexual areas of your relationship with your partner. Love comes in many forms. You can have companion love, romantic love, sexual love or marriage type love. ( I cannot remember all the types). Basically, you may love your partner in an honest and true way and know that she will be there for you and she meets your requirement as a wife. But, maybe you lack the sexual chemistry and you are seeking from flirting.
Unfortuantely, it is a form of emotional betryal and woman or man alike, will not take it likely. It is not respectful nor it is helpful to progress in your relationship with her or as a person. It is worth understanding why, when and how you are flirting. Also important to understand the feelings you get from it and to see if you can get it from your current partner. It may well be that, you are not emotionally or sexually connected with her.
This then leads to a decision you have to make. Do you want to sacrific the sexual chemistry for a long term supportive and wonderful partner or do you want to leave your secure relationship in search for that fleeting flirting feeling. Either way is a choice with its own consequences. Having it both ways often will lead to marriage breakdown and eventual exposure of the double lives.
Flirting makes people feel good, wanted and attracted. Maybe discussing with her honestly about how you would like her to express those romantic feelings towards you to fulfill that missing puzzle. One more point to share, as people get older, flirting becomes less important in partner relationship. You will gradually realised that having a good partner surpass those fleeting and transient flirt feelings. It comes and goes quickly, but a good partner will stay with you through thick and thin. It is a choice people make between the two and I hope discussing those options will help you to consider the best one for yourself and her.