I don't feel good enough for anyone
I have low self esteem and low confidence because I don't really know who I am and what I'm meant to do/meant to be (despite being almost 30 years old). I am also extremely socially quiet and am very self-absorbed due to my low self esteem.
I want to care about others but I feel like I can't genuinely make others happy because I hate myself. I also sense that others are hesitant around me and even though I try to have good body language: smile, stand straight, and even try to initiate conversations. I still get the sense that others don't like me the way they like others, even people who are weird or out there seem to get approval. Not me though... people avoid me and this lowers my self esteem.
I can't seem to date either because I feel so bad about myself and am embarassed I don't have a social life (since people don't like me). I feel like such a reject and like I ruin people's day by being there because I guess I rub people the wrong way or something. I feel unworthy of everything because I can't form social relationships or even get others to have a baseline respect towards me.
@decisiveLake15 I don't know what to say that will help you or fix these low feelings, but I want to express my empathy. This is something I've known all my life, I've always felt like I was lower on the social hierarchy than everyone. I've always felt inept, not quite all there, like I was an alien from another planet or another species. I grew up jealou of other girls who were prettier, more popular and were better taken care of by their familie than I was. I had the bare minimum where girls in high school had makeup, flattering clothes, social lives. I was sheltered, controlled, watched and kept on a leash from my teens until now and I'm 25. Still not allowed to go to the mall whenever I want just to try things on for fun, any part time job was spent on material things like nice clothes because my mom doesn't subscribe to the concept of beauty and never understood me because she was a tomboy so she was convinced I didn't "need" to look feminine. I'm very feminine and always felt dumpy in the basic t-shirts and jeans she made me wear, so I've had a hard time getting ahead financially because this money could've been saved for a house but I needed to fill the deep void in my self esteem and the way I carried myself. Because I was so sheltered, I'm poor in social skills. I'm very articulate online, given time to react and plan my response thoughtfully but I'm extremely awkward face-to-face where I almost seem stupid and ridiculously naive. No guys look my way or talk to me, girls don't even sit next to me in class and always leave a space around me even though my hygeine is fantastic and I take very good care of the way I look and present myself, shower daily, wear makeup, dress attractively, I'm nice and soft-spoken. I don't feel pretty. I've been obsessing over Instagram and taking selfies, trying to learn my angles and how to be more photogenic and stilll, I know any guy will choose any other girl over me and I'm not the kind of person anyone will have a crush on or be interested in. I hoently think I'm going to be a virgin forever and it's a painful concept to know I'm missing out on normal young adult experiences. My 20's are halfway over and I haven't lived. I've never rebelled or done anything "crazy" or even remotely on the wild side, always keeping my head down and doing as my mom told me like a good girl but it's gotten me nowhere in life but behind. It's a lonely feeling, not measuring up to others and not getting to experience an appropriate social life. I know it hurts. :( Sending positive vibes and good intentions. <3