I don’t know

please don’t comment! This is just for me.

—

I don’t know how I feel. I’m trying to get in touch with all the messy emotions I’ve unintentionally avoided, and I think I’ve done a good job so far, but it’s not enough. I need more self-work. I want to turn my faith over to God for this relationship and focus on me, until we talk again. Because, let’s say he started talking to me after this long break—would I be ready? I don’t know. I’d be scared of losing him again, and that’s not helpful for either of us. In order for it to work, we have to trust each other. I think in order for me to do that, I have to find inner peace with whatever outcome. But the problem is that I get premonitions, and I know there’s still a “we” in our future. So I’m basically tapping my foot, waiting. But I shouldn’t just wait. It’s just these feelings. They’re so strong. And because of the connection we have, I know he’s feeling these things too. And I question, how could he ignore them? Then it’s a rabbit hole of wondering how much pain he’s in.

I do believe in him. I have faith in our relationship and that it’s far from over. But I ask if I have the same faith in myself. I thought I did. But maybe I don’t. Maybe deep down in some twisted way, I don’t believe I deserve love. It would explain a lot. I’ve never thought of it that way. Because I know he has self esteem issues. I’m very confident. Shy, sometimes (especially around him for some reason). But confident in myself.

part of why I maybe think I don’t deserve love is that I don’t want kids. Don’t want to have them, adopt, anything. Cats are the key to my future. Maybe even dogs. But not kids. And society doesn’t like that. Not that I care...but it does weigh on me. Makes me feel lesser than. And he has said he’s okay either way, having or not having kids. He loves his nephew. That’s fulfilling for him he says. I’m deathly afraid of him changing his mind. Of me unexpectedly becoming pregnant. These situations are frightening.

Because I do love him so much, the most I’d consider is adoption.

but anyway. Why do I feel I don’t deserve love? Because I’m complicated. I’m logical but then I have these strange emotions when I’m in love and I feel all messed up. I try my best to control it. I don’t lash out or anything but I do have codependency issues which I’ve worked on greatly. I wouldn’t say I’m over the issues but I’m so much better than before.

I have faith in us. This new job I have has taught me I need to have more faith in myself. I’m really, really hard on myself. I do this. No one else.

I love him. I wish he was here. But would I even be ready to talk? Not yet.

—

please don’t comment! This is just for me.