I'm Stuck on Him but I Hurt Him Twice

We had a thing in highschool, I loved him so much, and I don't think I've ever loved someone so much ever in my lifetime. However, I had gotten out of an abusive relationship so I was dealing with depression and anxiety, and he was too, so we ended it to help ourselves. It hurt him so much he couldn't look at me.

We rekindled as friends last summer and we would text off an on, but things got pretty serious in Sep/Oct, and he said that he wanted to visit me (its a 5 hour drive). I didn't mean to cut ties again, but it just ended up sounding like I never wanted to talk to him again. I told him that I don't think he should visit because everything was happening so fast that I didn't know if I was ready for the pressure of him being here, like I don't know what I would do to myself. I didn't tell him that the real reason is that I am afraid of loving him because he deserves so much love, but I don't think I can ever love someone again just out of fear that I'm going to get used again. Also, I was struggling with my sexuality at the time (I'm bi and proud now) and I didn't know what he would think of me.

It has been months since our last conversation and I can't get him out of my head, I don't really know what to do right now becuase I'm afraid that I ruined 1) the best thing I ever had, and 2) the only person that I truely loved.