I’m not perfect

I didn’t learn I wasn’t perfect until I was 24 and married with two kids. We were together for almost 8 years, since high school. I was cheated on 3 times in those years, the last time being the 8th year. I forgave it the first time, made it work because of our son the second time and said enough was enough the third time. In the later years she would constantly ask me to love her, show her love, change and be better. I’d promise to do it over and over but never did. I thought I was trying, but I wasn’t.

It’s been two years now and I’ve moved on with my life and am in love with a very intelligent young woman. I’m 27 now. In my current relationship things started to repeat themselves, my partner kept asking for love and I kept promising change, but I haven’t. In the past two years she has made me realize I’m not perfect. She helped me discover and deal with a lot of trauma I didn’t know I had. Identified why I can’t remember anything I say, or do anything I promise unless I set many alarms and reminders. For the first time in my life I’m emotionally involved with someone, I’m vulnerable. It terrifies me.

I put my partner through a lot of hardships. One day I’ll make progress, connect on deep emotional levels, and be intimate and vulnerable with her. The following day I’ll be cold and distant, feel almost out of body and threaten to breakup over any conflict. I go from being completely emotionally involved and in love to being cold and hateful. She’s tried to work on and fix every issue she’s ever had and I’m still struggling to fix the first thing she asked me to fix, to show her love.

She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and my children. She helped identify and get help for my eldest sons autism, and provide and build a structured home environment for him to grow in. She would have left me a long time ago if she didn’t love my children so much and they her.

I have learned that I’m not perfect, I have a lot of trauma from childhood and previous relationship. I don’t know how to emotionally connect to anyone. I struggle to remember many things, end up being a liar because I can’t remember to do the things I say. I’m mentally abusive to my partner by giving her hope and making big changes in the way I show her love and then rip it all away from her over and over and over. We will have the best day, I’ll be crying in guilt over what I’ve put her through and truly understand what she is going through, and then we will have a conflict and I’ll hate her and want to be alone.

I want to constantly be able to open up to my partner and show them love and affection. Not just here and there back and forth. After yesterdays connection, today I felt extremely out of body, extremely distant, everything in my being screamed run away, be alone. She and I have worked together to help my understand what may be wrong with me, adhd, fear of intimacy, dismissive avoidant, and having an abusive parent and an absent good parent.

Right now I’m trying to subject myself to a lot of empathy videos and self improvement content. Trying to learn about what I’ve done to my partner. Learning about the effects of rejecting my partners intimate advances and affections. Learning about lack of security I provide her. Making her hate herself. I just wanna show her I love her. Sorry the wall of text, I don’t want to leave anything out but I’m sure I have.