I'm so angry
Hello everyone,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a haf, we recently moved in together. He struggles with some issues similar to mine, however, I have an anxiety disorder and crave security. He and I have discussed the fact that we are very happy together and would like to get married some day. However, a recurring issue in our relationship is that he is less motivated to work for our future than I am. I am very focused on my career (we are both in college right now). I am allmost finished with my first degree and have plans in place for a second and a career in the next several years. He does not have such a plan and has been working on his current degree for 5 years (it's supposed to be a 4 year degree) and will not finish for another year. I don't want to pressure him, but how can I balance my needs for a secure future without putting too much pressure on him? I have tried to discuss this with him, but he doesn't seem to grasp that it's important to me and just blows me off. He says he will work harder and tries for a few weeks then stops trying and it ends in a fight when I see him stop putting in the effort. Iif we want a future together, we both have to work for it. I don't know if I can have a the future we both have dreamed of if he isn't willing to work for it. We are begining therapy together tomorrow, but I'm really not sure if it will help. I want our relationship to work but I don't see how it can when I feel this angry and frustrated. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!
@passionateScarf3512 You sound like my husband! lol Cept he is 39 years old. My husband has serious anxiety issues and is always planning for another dream and prosperious future, which is great, but it stresses him out, and he puts the stress on me also, which isn't fair. Myself, I am a bit lazy, I think day by day at times, but I always have one plan. As long as your boyfriend has some sort of goal, that's great! Don't expect a million things to happen in such little time. You are stressing yourself out. You should be more proud of yourself and your boyfriend for trying in the first place and going to school. A lot of young adults in this generation don't even try anymore. Calm down and have some fun for once. I'm telling you, you will become a nervous wreck when you're 39 like my husband if you keep stressing yourself out like that. :) Conquer one goal at a time.
I believe starting therapy together is a good thing. It might not help but there is a possibility it will. The issue with couple therapy though is that sometimes someone of the two or both might not feel comfortable if fully saying what they feel in front of the other. So in that case, some say half of what is bothering them, some are brave enough to say it all, and some just say things that the other already knows is an issue. Depending on how much is shared, how much everyone is willing to work and the therapist the results might differ. I hope you two get good results out of it.
Have you thought of asking him if there is anything making it hard for him to finish in time and if there is anything you could do to be of help to him? He might be feeling overwhelmed but is afraid to admit it, who knows. Asking that will at least help eliminate or figure out if there is anything making it hard for him to graduate on time.
@Flourish, thank you so much for your advice! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I think that, from previous discussions, what has hindered him in the past is not having set goals. I beleive now that he has set some goals for himself but I will ask if there is anything more making things difficult or that I can do to help. Thank you so much, honnestly this helps me a lot. I feel like, if there is something I can do to make this easier for him then I would love to do that. I think helping may lessen my frustrations as well. Thanks!
@passionateScarf3512 - Definitely! I'm glad that my suggestions seem helpful to you. Feel free to let us know how things go if you want. I hope things get better with time.
