I really need help.
This is very messy.
I dated W for 4 years and we've been friends for 6. He knows me inside out and the bond we have is irreplaceable. I love him to bits and I know he's madly in love with me but we can't be together due to the distance. We've been doing LDR for around 2 years and it doesn't look like either of us are ever going to be in the same city or even the same country. So the only option is to breakup instead of holding on to fleeting hope. Now I love him but I don't think I'm sexually attracted to him anymore but the bond we hold. I know I will never have a bond like that ever again.
Now I know E from college. We've been in uni for 3 years and we were pretty much like acquaintances but a couple of months ago we hit it off like totally and we want to be together and all that. I don't have the bond with him the way I have it with W but he gives me stability and gives me rational solutions and grounds me which I love. I am sexually attracted to him but it's not as satisfying as W.
So in all I'm involved with 2 people, W and E.
Now E gave me an ultimatum to choose between either him or W and by that he means to cut one out completely and I don't know what to do. I love them both. They both give me different things. W has my heart and I don't want to throw away all the history we have and neither do I want the bond we have to break but him and I can't be together because of the distance and our career paths are polar opposites. E is relatively new and I want him in my life and I know that if we give it a shot we can have a future together but there will be long distance there too though the odds of us staying in the same city are very high and we have similar career paths.
W and E hate each other. Like actually despise each other so both of them coming to an agreement won't work. E knows that I'll never love anyone the way I've loved W and W knows that too. E said that both of them can't coexist in my life. I don't know what to do. I know this is a very shitty situation and I'm torn. I have 3 options:
1. Choose W and keep my history and bond but let go of E who I can have an amazing future with.
2. Choose E and work on our relationship but pretty much lose the only person I've ever loved so deeply.
3. Choose neither and throw everything I have away.
I really don't know what to do. Please help me out.
@Meg02
It sounds like you already know you cannot get back what you used to have with W. For now he seems more like a safe comfort zone with no indications of being a couple in the future.
Why does E feel insecure about W? If this is a dead relationship and has now transitioned into a friendship (yes, we do love friends too, just in a different way!) why are you not able to have a male friend?
Yeah so I'm well aware that W and I can't have a relationship anymore due to the distance but E is of the opinion that if he's in my life then he'll always try to come back and have a relationship with me. He thinks that W will always be lurking.
W and I talk very often like it's very frequent and E thinks that that's not how it's supposed to be with an ex. W has been my longest constant friend so I naturally do go to him when I have to and E keeps saying that I should go to him and not E since after family he should be my top priority.
I tried to explain to E that giving me an ultimatum was the worst thing to do and I tried to make him understand that W and I are just friends. I obviously can't be Romantically involved with 2 people and I'm not going to do that but why can't I keep my friendship with W?
This is mildly irrelevant but on my social media, I had pictures of W and I together and E said that they shouldn't be there and that I have to remove it so out of spite I removed everything. I don't know whether I was wrong or not but stressing about minute things like this really annoys me. When I tell him that it's ridiculous all he says is that he'll suffer in silence.
I don't know what to do.
@Meg02
wow. E isn't even your forever yet and already has some very strong opinions (and decisions) about your personal choices in photos, friendships, emotional priorities! How can he demand to be top priority if he isn't? If you naturally share stuff with someone else (W or anyone other than E), does that mean E will next ask for them to be out of your life too?
Erasing photos from a page doesn't change the past. W was and will remain a part of your past. Yes, the future looks different but that is how human beings and relationships evolve over time. It is okay to cherish the past and still be able to look forward to a different future! It wasn't irrelevant, it just throws some more light on E's expectations.
Exactly.
I understand if it was anything romantic with W but it's just not that anymore. Him and I had to face the fact that we won't work out so there's nothing romantic involved but E doesn't like it.
I went out with E yesterday and I was just texting W an update as to where I'm going and E was so upset. He was like W does not need to know what you're doing or who you're with. He also said that I keep hurting him by texting W. We had an elaborate conversation about it and E said that I'm hurting his ego and humiliating him and I have no respect for him because I talk to W even when E asked me not to. I tried reasoning with him and he said that if I had any respect for him I would stop talking to W. It's just too much.
W on the other hand hates E just as much so if I even take E's name he stops talking to me.
I don't know what I'm doing and I just seem to be hurting everyone in the process when that's not my intention one bit. I love both of them so much but neither of them wants to understand my perspective.
E says that I can't have a future with him as long as W is in my life because it'll always be a bone of contention. I don't know.
@Meg02,
if E cannot deal with your connection with W, then you should ask whether E is the right person for you. I understand E might feel it hard to deal with, but a grown mature guy should be able to act in awareness. E sounds pretty immature.
Most importantly, you seem confused. So go explore yourself first. No E or W for now, just you. Listen to your heart, step away from emotional situations. Emotions will always make you make wrong choices
E keeps saying that he's okay with me being friends with W but he can't tolerate that I'm so close to him. He told me everytime I talk to W in any form, it hurts him and I'm torturing him by continuing to talk to W. I don't know what he wants me to do. Well he wants me to cut W out and I can't do that. I don't want to lose either of them.
I know, I'm very confused. I really can't choose between those 2 and I genuinely considered choosing neither but then the fear of never having a bond so strong or never feeling a love so strong made me question it all. I love them both and my emotions are getting the best of me. Even when I try to see it practically and try explaining it to them, they don't listen. I'm just so confused.
I find the need to add that things just got messier. E does not seem to understand my point of view and neither does W. It's just painfully pathetic now. I feel like I've cried oceans worth in a span on 1 week and I still don't have any conclusion.
What am I supposed to do? I've tried everything in my power.
I’m going to try to share some of my personal perspective, so keep in mind this is just what I think and it’s highly generalized…
Men and women have somewhat different instincts and priorities, biologically and culturally speaking. For example, women tend to view physical intimacy as something vulnerable and important to be faithful in. Whereas males often tend to view emotional intimacy as the place they feel most exposed or vulnerable. This often creates some difficulty in understanding the viewpoint of the opposite sex. It is not that difficult (in general) for most men to have open relationships, because to them, it is just sex. I’m not condoning any viewpoint here, just talking about our general cultural experience in the modern world. But often, it is when a male connects deeply emotionally, that their commitment engages. (Side note: This causes a lot of pain to women who sometimes confuse sex with meaningful emotional connection.) But when a man “locks in” meaning become completely invested, there are territorial instincts which engage. It can be a process for them to learn how to handle these feelings and to resist smothering their intended mate with jealousy. I think a compromise can often help. First, keep the lovely openness and honesty that I can see you already display. Trust and communication is just so critical. Secondly, you could encourage his rational side to explore the reasons for his feelings and ask him to try to give you more trust. While also trying to understand that he can’t just control or change his feelings. He can choose how to act. He can grow his awareness and intention, over time. There are, I think, biological instincts which push at us. Ultimately, it might be that you should deeply consider what you truly want and need to be happy in the long run. If you truly cannot be with W, then you might have a convo about needing to focus on your life and prioritize the active relationship in it. If he truly loves you, he will understand that even if he hates it. It’s about letting you explore and live your life. You’re simply in a season of separate growth. It doesn’t mean the feelings or connection stops. I have a connection like this, and I have stepped back because his wife (who knows me and accepts our friendship) still doesn’t do well if I’m involved in their life. We both know we’re still friends and that will never change, even without speaking for years at a time. It sounds like E is trying to express his needs and limits. Only you can see if he shows any truly dominating red flags, or if he’s just expressing honest emotions. He is not unreasonable in feeling a threat from the intimate emotional connection you have with W. To a guy, or some women even, that truly is a kind of threat to their security, if they’re looking for commitment and long-term. I can’t advise you, only give you some food for thought. I do wish for you peace and resolution. You have my best wishes.
Thank you for your insight and kind words, it helped a ton.
For both E and I, we can keep physical intimacy separate from emotions so that really wasn't an issue. We got close and bonded because of the emotional aspect.
He got very vulnerable with me and opened up about many things though I'm still taking my time to get there.
You're right, he told me he does feel threatened about W being in my life in any capacity. I think E knows that he won't be able to amount to the same level as W and he's insecure about that. I don't want him to control or change how he feels or who he is but what's he asks from me, I just can't give that.
W is honestly the only real person in my life who I trust completely. Everyone else is getting there. W and I can't have a romantic relationship and we've both accepted it and we're obviously moving on, but we still have our bond. I know W will understand, it's just I don't have the capacity in me to let him go. I'm afraid of loss and I can't lose W and I don't want to lose E in the process. I've lost so many things and I can't lose those dear to me too.
I'm okay with change but forcing me to choose who I need to keep in my life is not the best way to go?
I probably don't have the capacity you do to make such a drastic step. Don't you miss that friend of yours? Don't you miss the bond that y'all had before?
I understand E's concerns and I would be worried about them too if I were in his place but I wouldn't blatantly make him choose between 2 important people isn't the way to go? I know the emotional bond W and I have is very strong and no one will be able to match up to it and it's bound to make E insecure but is my word not enough? I want E and I to work out long term just as much as him but why does it have to boil down to this? I'm currently staying in the city E is and I've been here for the past 6 months for him even though he knows how much I dislike it, why isn't that enough to prove that I want something long term?
Again, I really appreciate all that you said. Thank you so much.
I can see you have considered this deeply. I find that being clear and direct is the best way in complicated things. It saves people from not knowing where they or you really stand. I know you have tried to be open because I can see that in your descriptions. But I also think your fear is causing you to hold back and try to placate E so he won’t leave. And I know all of you are still kind of figuring things out. However, I think perhaps the key part is the conflict with E between giving him exclusivity or not. I don’t generally like to directly advise anyone, because I am not in your shoes. So, I couldn’t judge which relationship serves you best. But from what you’ve written, it sounds like you have already decided that you prioritize W over E. If this is the true reality, then the kindest thing you can do for E is to say something to the effect of…”I won’t let go of W. This is my decision and it’s not going to change any time soon. I still want to have a relationship with you, as you make my life better. But if you can’t accept my friendship as it is today, then it would be best if we stopped now. You have to decide if you can handle that or not. I am willing to work on things with us, but I cannot commit to what you are asking of me.” In your own words, of course. The point being to give E a very clear answer to his ultimatum so you can put it to rest. Guys kind of need direct and clear answers. You will have to be ready to accept if he chooses to walk away, though. I know that’s probably terrifying. It isn’t you who’s giving the ultimatum, so you have to be strong enough to give him permission to decide what he can handle or not. That’s how you love fully, by wanting the other person to be strong and have their needs met. It is important to not give into fear. You know what your heart truly needs. Don’t hold onto what pulls you away from that, because that creates misery. Whenever I am afraid, I try to think about and feel my love for those in my life. Love helps banish fear, and that includes self-love. And yes, sometimes I miss my friend so deeply that I just cry and pray to be able to continue on what I know is the right path for both of us. But it helps knowing he feels the same. And it helps also knowing that we both have chosen to pursue goals which will make each of us so much more. So, even if we can’t be together in this life, I feel we still have a future someday together. And I feel he is with me, even if I can’t see or talk with him, because I know his heart. And, it did take me over 20 years to come to peace with this, so I know how heart wrenching and impossible it can be. You don’t have to follow my path; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if you find yourself caught in a similar conundrum, just remember that your purpose here is to grow yourself. Whatever serves that is probably the best path. You are strong and can handle whatever comes.
I have indeed given this so much of time and I've tried to be as clear as I can be about this all.
We're figuring things out yes and I've tried to make E understand too but no avail.
E did say that he wants exclusive access to me but it just makes me feel like a commodity? Don't I have my autonomy to choose who I go to and for what? And he knows I compartmentalize and I do go to him but he's insistent on "exclusive" access.
That priority thing, that's exactly what E thinks as well. He thinks W is more of a priority than he is and I don't know whether it's true since they're both at different capacities in my life. Though I will try talking to him in the way you suggested but he did tell me that he isn't going to walk away from me and he isn't going to leave me, well atleast that's what he's said now so I don't know whether he'd go back on his word or not.
I've told him that W and him are parallel lines and they're not going to meet ever but all he says that I'm hurting him, his ego and I'm humiliating him by talking to W and I just don't know what to say to that.
I agree love is powerful but I don't think I have the ability like you do. More power to you, you're so strong for taking such difficult decision and sticking by it. I know it hurts and I really do hope it works out between all of y'all. You deserve your happy ending regardless of all the pain you've felt.
I took your advice and spoke to E and this is what he said: "Neither of us are walking out anyway. But come back to me only when you have respect for me and my feelings. Only when you feel you won't end up hurting me, even though it is inadvertent.
W's not going out now and he's not this now and that now and the timing isn't right is all according to his convenience.
When you feel you can respect me as a person, as your significant other and my feelings that come along with it, you can treat me like a priority and somebody who is more important than him, you talk to me. I'm not going to melt this time.
It's really sad that I'm having to ask for all this but if your sense prevails over your emotions and attachment for him and my presence and our future together means something to you, then please."
I've given it my all and I don't know what to do anymore. He clearly isn't budging and neither does he intend to.
Oh, my heart is just breaking for you. I can feel the emotion in E’s words, too. I wish I could lift this pain away from you both. I don’t have any answers, though. I suppose the best I can do is just to remind you that your happiness matters. You deserve to be happy and feel peace. There are some things in life that just seem to overshadow everything, and my main concern for you is that you don’t let this overwhelm you or take over your life. You are so strong just for continuing to face this every day. Just make sure that you don’t get lost in it, ok? If you feel like you are breaking, remember that so many others would have already given up. It is ok if you need to just step back from the intensity of it and rest and focus on happy things for a bit. You are more important than any relationship. So, please remember to take care of you. I do feel privileged to have been given this insight into your struggle. It has helped me feel that I am not alone. I hope that you can feel my desire to be present for you in the same way. I sincerely hope that you find a solution that brings you relief and peace. And, I hope for you to find the strength to pull away from anything that is holding you back and not serving you. I know you are strong, because you’re still facing this impossible thing every day. I know you are kind and caring because I can see the compassion in your attempts to listen and understand E and his feelings. Just remember to love yourself as much as you do others. You are not a commodity or possession, but you are of infinite value. Continue to stand strong on what you feel is right. You don’t need to change yourself for anyone else. You have no reason to fear losing anyone, because you are enough on your own. And anything that is real and meant to be will weather the difficulties. So, try to let go a bit, to let yourself rest. Strive for balance in the efforts you expend. I feel some self care and rest might get in order.
