Is my friend toxic or can it still work?
Hi, I was hoping for some feedback on a friend I have here at college. (I know this is a very long post, I needed the rant😅)
I'm a 2nd semester freshman, she's a junior who transferred here the same time I started back in August. We met during the first week of school and immediately hit it off cause we're both into k-pop. We started hanging out all the time, became really good friends and it took me too long (till the end of first semester) to realize that I had become accustomed to spending ALL of my time with her. I didn't get out much during first semester cause I felt very isolated being far from home, etc. So I latched onto her as she did with me. We'd meet up for dinner pretty much every night, I'd go to her dorm every Friday and/or Saturday.
I finally realized right when we hit Christmas break that I'd started to grow tired of hanging out with her, I'd get annoyed at her text messages (I still do and they never cease), and overall I just needed a break from her. Christmas helped and I went into this semester with a better mindset after being away from her for so long.
After we got back in January, I'd planned to talk to her about boundaries, but I kept pushing it off cause I was scared of conflict, and I know I really need to talk to her before I blow up on her. I've basically kept my feelings hidden cause I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm the person who will deal with discomfort to make another person happy. But I'm scared to start the conversation. She's told me she has ADHD and I'm assuming this is the reason she will send me 15-30+ text messages without thinking it would bother me, its whatever she's thinking has to be put there. We were in a dance group together and there were changes being made with what we were going to dance to, and she texted me saying she wanted to put her feelings in the chat so she wouldn't bother the group members with emotional baggage....I'm in the group with her so I counted as that emotional baggage yet she didn't see that she's been throwing her issues and anxieties onto me ALL the time.
She also has told me multiple times that I'm her first, long term friend in basically her entire life which is hard when talking about boundaries, cause I'm scared she'll hold that over my head somehow.
I was hoping someone could help me determine if my friend is toxic or help me find different ideas of what to talk about/how to talk about things? Thank you so much.
I think that before closing with someone who is important to you, you should try a confrontation. No one can tell if this person is toxic, and personally I don't even like using this adjective to describe a person. When we find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation with someone, it is not always and only the other person's fault, it is also up to us to set boundaries and communicate, we cannot expect someone to read our minds. So my advice is to have this difficult conversation, try to talk to her in the most civilized way possible so as not to hurt her feelings, but also be clear. If that doesn't help, you can consider breaking up your friendship. Good luck!
@Lifeonmars787 thank you for this advice and I did talk to her, she was very understanding and I'm glad to have that extra anxiety off my chest. she even agreed that this past week she was feeling like she'd seen me a lot recently and wanted some time to herself, I was the same way.
hopefully it helps the friendship not feel so one sided.
Best,
Grace