Is there any hope?
Hello, I have known my baby's father for 9.5 months now and it started off wonderful of course but after that first lil bit it has been rocky ever since. The arguments, lack of support, nitpicking at what we do, disrespect and it seems like it has increased since I was pregnant. I'm trying not to make any major decisions until the baby comes but I'm really just lost in us. I want my child to see happiness and love but how do I know if it's worth staying around each other? I don't want to feel like I'm putting up with just being someone's doormat. When we try and have serious conversations, it always turns to arguments.
@Jessmakingit
there is always hope
@conscientiousPineapple1782 it is really hard to feel like that when it seems bad for so long or so rocky
@Jessmakingit
you seam prety smart
so sure you're going find way
@conscientiousPineapple1782
do what's best for you
sorry can't be more helpfull
@conscientiousPineapple1782 thank you sometimes I do make smart decisions lol. I appreciate the uplift though. It helps
@Jessmakingit
Do you think he's worried/anxious about becoming a father?
Try asking him what he's feeling. I've found that a lot of guys tend to avoid talking about feelings and focus more on what others are doing, which often leads to the nit-picky fights. If you focus on what he's feeling and share what you're feeling, maybe you can both feel better understood.
@peacefulforest75 he definitely is that type but when we talk about feelings, it always seems we're coming at each other then point out what we don't like and start arguing. Having serious adult conversations without attitude doesn't seem to be our thing.
@Jessmakingit
Yeah I hear you. It took awhile for us to get where we are. We went to counseling and it seemed we just fought there as if the counselor was the judge. It wasn't until I was on the brink of moving out (place picked out, ready to go put a deposit down), that he actually seemed to try listening to me. I'm still not sure how sustainable things are. I want to believe that he can change, that he wants to change, but I just don't know.
@peacefulforest75 how long have yall been together? Any kids? He supposedly tried counseling for himself but he definitely doesn't see it as any help but he's not the type to try get a stranger in his business so I'm not sure what to do with that. I have packed his things and he has slept outside for 2 days before and things were cool for a few days but idk if he wants to change or really wants this relationship either.
@Jessmakingit
Together about 9 years, married for 6. We each have a kid (his daughter, my son). For us, the kids brought us together and we had expectations of being more like a blended family.
He was more into counseling than I was, but (it seems to me) like he was less into actually trying to change things, including things the counselors recommended. He's very sensitive to criticism, so it works well if I can first empathize with what's hard and find something to praise, then deliver criticism indirectly and provide an example of what I want. For example from earlier today: "I know how frustrating it is when son is not talking nicely. I think you did a good job staying calm. Sometimes I know we end up snapping at him when we're frustrated, and that often makes things worse and models what we don't want him to do. I've found that he often listens better to me when I'm able to keep my voice down."
I don't always have the patience to do all this, however.
@peacefulforest75
Wow that's a while. I'm not sure if our child is changing anything between us as of yet, for the good or bad. At first I didn't want to talk to anyone but it was good for me. If he will ever be receptive to it, I'm really not sure. The other day I had a nightmare about losing him and it about tore me apart so there is something to fight for. We both see the errors of each other and don't give praise so we could both use some work as well as recieving feedback without getting defensive. Yes patience is definitely a virtue. How did yall work parenting together?
@Jessmakingit
Ugh, it has been HARD. To me it seems he is fairly permissive with his daughter (now 15 and with us only 1-2x a week, used to be 50/50 but she wanted to be with her mom more, who is even more permissive). He will say one thing, then go back on it. Caters to her wants fairly excessively. It drives me nuts so I mostly stay out of it and try to keep my mouth shut.
He is very authoritarian with my son--focus on discipline, yelling or humiliation, do this or you'll lose that, etc. This approach DOES NOT WORK with my son, as he gets angry and resists. I have read countless parenting books and now lean toward empathetic limits--there are rules and there are consequences, but always delivered with love and understanding. I try hard not to yell and apologize when I fail. This is one of the issues we're still working on. I've landed on doing what I think is best for my son and walking away if he's parenting how I don't like.
@peacefulforest75 well your son seeing differences in how he treats him versus her may have something to do with his behavior. I understand dads are soft with their girls but when u have parents both allowing things it makes it hard to change or anyone to say different. My ex had a son and we had different views but I just stepped back because it caused alot of issues with us. Everyone has to be on the same page so kids don't feel bad.
@Jessmakingit
Yeah...now that my son's 11 I'm teaching him to advocate for himself, and even my counselor suggests this. Things like saying "Dad, I get upset when you talk to me this way." It shouldn't be necessary, but OTOH it is teaching him skills to deal with difficult people later in life.
Our marriage counselor said I needed to stop faciliating their relationship so much. Before, I was constantly coaching my son how to deal with his dad, and then trying to discuss things with my husband so he'd at least consider my son's point of view. I still try to provide perspective and suggestions to my son, just as I would in helping him dealing with anyone, but I'm not taking responsibility for them having a good relationship anymore.
One change I do see in my husband is he is starting to recognize his own role in our conflicts. Before he would mostly blame me, or rather accuse me of blaming him when I didn't.
@peacefulforest75
What do you think the next option is if therapy is iffy?
@Jessmakingit
We're still going to counseling, but I've learned you need to go into counseling with a plan. What specifically are you working on? What things do you each want to learn/change? Counseling almost resulted in our divorce, as it escalated our conflicts. He often took things I said out of context and demanded apologies for assumptions he made. I've learned that I can't argue back with him, but instead need to say things like "you sound upset or how do you feel about that."
@peacefulforest75 at least there is still effort. What do you mean go into counseling with a plan? Well I know I need to work on letting go of the past, trust, and communication. I let my emotions get the best of me. I'm not sure if he sees a need to change anything. There is alot of talk but lack of action to do those things. Im really trying but my emotions get the best of me. He has a tendency to get defensive when I don't even accuse him of anything, I just ask questions. I often get emotional or shut down. I think we both read into to each other alot
@Jessmakingit
What do you want to accomplish in counseling, what does he want to accomplish? Do you want to better understand each other, learn new ways of resolving conflicts/supporting each other, etc.?
@peacefulforest75 it's starting to feel like more of a partner ship or something for the sake of our child, not starting over, and certain needs are met. I want my friend back but I'm not sure if we can move forward if we never talk about the hurt
@Jessmakingit
Yes, I totally get that as I was in the same place. I'm not exactly sure what changed for us, but it was a combination of me literally being ready to walk out (had an appointment to put a deposit down on a place), things his counselor/mom said, his dad being terminally ill, etc. For me, I changed by trying not to take things personally and trying to let things go more. We still have some big things to work on (mostly parenting based), but it does seem like we're more on the same side rather than before when we were always on opposite sides.
@peacefulforest75
I'm really thinking that therapy is the only way I can feel better but he already said he would not go with me. I made the call today to see about setting something up so I hope it works out that I can start. It's gotten to where he doesn't want to be around me because I am depressed and goes out everyday and stays gone til late but doesn't talk about what's going on because he sees everyone as an enemy or that everyone is trying to push him one way and not worried about what hes dealing with. I have bitten my tounge much more but it almost makes me feel weak and that's what I hate but I guess it is better than arguments.
@Jessmakingit
Definitely you should go without him then! If nothing else, it will help you sort out what you need and what you can expect from him. I have a similar problem in that I need more affirmation of my husband's love and take his lack of communication/uninvolvement personally...it leads to me becoming needy, which further drives him away. Ugh! I'm trying to reset my expectations, voice to him what I specifically need from him, and then get some of my connection needs met from friends. Not sure if that will be sufficient or not in the long term, but it definitely helps.