Just okay

This is just for me. No comments please.

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So...I don’t know where to start. I think I felt the entire rainbow of human emotions today. Nothing in particular set me off. There were no triggers. I just am tired of thinking the same thoughts every day, going through the same questions in my mind without answers. It’s not like I want* to think those thoughts. About my ex. But I just do. Because I have no answers. It’s the most frustrating thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. I wouldn’t wish ghosting on my worst enemy. I would rather be dumped in a terrible way than be ghosted. It’s a horrible thing to do to someone. But then...I think about intention. Intention is important. And I don’t think he intended for things to be like this. He got scared because of his low self esteem. And then the ghosting went on too long. And now he’s even more afraid to confront me. I am not making excuses for him. This is just what I know...what I think I know to be true.

I haven’t contacted him for months because...well, he never responds. But today I guess I just was in my feelings. I typically pull myself out of that space, saying to myself, it’s not going to get me anywhere. He would talk to me if he wanted.

But I want answers so badly. And the truth is that I don’t think it would hurt at this point to send a small message. Not just for me, but for both of us. We have a very strong connection, and I know we are both hurting from not talking.

It took a lot of strength to send that message. That’s how I know it was right for me. It wasn’t sent out of fear or anger. Only out of faith and love. We still love each other. At the very least, it seems like we could be friends.

I said, it’s been [this long] since we have spoken. I miss you, [name].

That was it. At least I know he saw it. That’s all I really wanted. To be seen. I don’t like how my voice was taken away. But now I feel like at least I’m able to have a little of my power back.

I know that a lot of people would say that I shouldn’t have messaged him. I don’t really care, but I would also say that I have to do what makes sense for me. My heart and soul are guiding me. I hadn’t contacted him for months. We used to talk every day. We used to sleep together over the phone when apart. To go from that to absolutely nothing was devastating.

I’m just so tired of not knowing anything. I’m tired of waiting. I have tried to move on with another partner. It almost worked until they turned out to not want me for a stupid reason even though I’m way out of their league. I’ve thrown myself into work. I have hobbies and friends and a life. But it seems that no matter what I do, I can’t move on. Because he is too scared to talk to me. And I don’t know why.

I would give up so much just for an answer. Even if it’s mean or cold. I’d give so much to hear what happened.

I didn’t deserve this. He is a good person. I wouldn’t have been with him if he wasn’t. So I don’t understand this.

He still loves me. He hasn’t blocked me. He just never answers. If he doesn’t respond this time...I guess I’ll have to find true closure somehow on my own.

How? I have no idea. I’ve tried everything.

I have my faith. Everything happens for a reason. Even this torture...

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This is just for me. No comments please.

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