Learning

this post is for me only, no comments please. Thank you!

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I'm honestly so proud of myself for what I’ve learned, and going through these really rough times. It’s been extremely hard on me to be without what feels like my other half. My soulmate. Whatever you want to call it. He’s not here, he’s not with me, and he left. He left, probably out of fear. Back when we were talking, our last real conversation was about us: we committed ourselves to each other, I said I wanted to move closer to him so we could no longer be LDR, he agreed, and we had even talked about marriage. Not in a serious way, but like this was the level we feel for each other, looking at each other as marriage material.

So this week I’ve been through such hell, not because of anything he did. He hasn’t done anything for months. Literally nothing. This was all me. All this pain I’ve been feeling, I’ve put it on myself. And I realized that I just want to let that go and be free. Of course this doesn’t mean I’m like oh forget about him etc., but I just want to be allowed to feel again. I’ve been blocking off my emotions because it’s been so painful to feel.

But with this new job, I’ve felt so much happier. And because of that, I have to feel the sadness too. tmi and trigger warning for s*x talk but like, I have probably only “loved” myself, maybe a total of 20 times...probably less, since December 2020. That was not my personality. I felt like I was always on fire and passionate. But it has become part of my personality now. And I’m okay with that.

But what I’m leaving out is...the reason I haven’t spent time with myself in that way much...well, every time I do I think of him and our times together. And I cry. I cry every time. Maybe twice I haven’t but I felt empty emotionally afterward.

So that was a weird tangent.

But basically it all ties into me not feeling free and able to feel anything without breaking down. I can’t feel passionate, sad, bored, irritated, or any other emotion without breaking down in tears. Other than being happy from my new job.

But it’s taken me a while to realize what it means to be “free.” Not free from him. He’s still with me in the 5D, spiritually.

But I do need to detach a little. This situation isn’t mine to bear anymore. He has to live with what he did, or he can choose to make it right.

So I sent him a message saying that I still love him, and that I have the capabilities to move to him now if we want to be physically together. And what’s good about this is, I know he saw the message, since I sent it on social media. I feel like this is out of my hands now. He knows how I feel, he knows I’m an option.

And he owes me a big f****** apology.

But like, am I mad? No. He knows I’m not. He knows I’d forgive him if he set things right. What’s he scared of? Who knows. His self-esteem is not the greatest. So idk. I actually love myself. He doesn’t love himself.

So yes, I want to talk to him. I miss him so much. But I cannot keep waiting around feeling like this.

Now I just have to figure out...what do I do? What does this freedom look like?

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this post is for me only, no comments please. Thank you!

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