Mostly just venting, but any thoughts are welcome
I've been dating this guy for about 3 months and it's been going well, i think. We seem to be fairly well suited, we get along well and enjoy each other's company. However, we both had difficult previous relationships and to put it mildly, we're scared of fully jumping in. It's weird because in many ways, things have happened so quickly. We've spent a lot of time together and I think I could love him, if I let myself.
But lately, he's been talking a lot about moving after his current work contract ends (in about a year's time). We both have temporary contracts at the moment that end roughly 6 months apart, so it wouldn't be much of an issue to move somewhere together and I'd be willing to, provided I knew we were both serious about this relationship. But the way he talks about it just makes me feel like he's trying to run away from me. Whether because he's scared or just fed up with me, I don't know. Like, he talks about what he's gonna do or he wants to do, but never really asks about what my plans are or what I think about moving or anything like that.
Then there's the more rational side of me that acknowledges that it's been 3 months... it's a bit early to plan our life together. And that maybe part of the reason he doesn't ask those kinds of things is because he doesn't want to presume. Maybe he's telling me about his plans in the hopes that I'll volunteer some information. Testing the water, as it were.
Buuuut... I also know that he has a fear of "losing his freedom" because of his past relationship trauma. So I'm also hesitant to just say that I could come with him or how I feel about the various places he's considering moving because I don't want him to think I'm like... trying to get him to do what I want. It's also weird because he actually used to talk more about us as a couple in the future earlier in the relationship. So that just makes me think even more that this is either a reaction to us growing closer and him being scared or just that he's feeling like this isn't something he wants long term and is dropping hits.
So I just don't really know how to deal with this. I keep going through it in my head, trying to figure out what to say and what not to say. All this is not helped by my own past relationship baggage. There's a part of my brain that's screaming at me not to get any closer to him because I'll just end up hurt again.
@confusedRaven6140
This sounds very difficult and a bit complicated. You made some good points in your post regarding both him seemingly trying to push you away and that you are a bit afraid of diving to deep and getting hurt. Both are valid concerns of course.
I think communication is important in any relationship, whether its long-term, or after a couple decides to get married. By communicating with each other, and possibly using "I" statements, perhaps more can be gained from both parties. For example, "I feel sad when......" or "I feel happy when.....". I hope you and him can continue to work on your relationship, and by doing so help strengthen the bond you have.
I know I need to talk to him, but I'm just thinking that there is such thing as too much openess, especially this early on. Not that I've achieved that 😂 But I'm just not sure what to say and what to keep to myself for now, or how to say it. :/
@confusedRaven6140
You make a good point. I would think you both share what you feel comfortable sharing at this stage and as the relationship progresses more can be shared. I think what you say or don't say is based on your comfort level. Perhaps in chatting with him about his day and things in general new topics can be discovered, and through these new topics more topics.
I would relate to a tree, in that one branch has many other smaller branches that hold many leaves. Just like the conversations you and him have, the tree may only have some branches that hold only some leaves, while others may have many leaves depending on the topic. :)