My Heart Wishes You Had Waited Till I Came Home

I dont know what happened between us. All I know if how things appear from my perspective. We got along so well together before I left for the ship. Maybe we were rushing too quickly and I should have slowed things down until I returned from this contract.

I know I have been living an ‘unconventional life that you are not used to. But I am still the same person you fell for a few months ago. I know you have been in long distance relationships before, but only I know how difficult it is to keep a long distance relationship going on a cruise ship. The ships connection on top of time differences and different work hours made it very difficult for us to communicate properly even about the normal comings and goings of our day. Asking about the details of your day was one of the only ways I could actually feel close to you while I was out here.

I should have stuck to my gut senses about text communication of deep conversation. Its has always caused miscommunication if someone isnt used to saying many words and a shit connection perpetuates misreadings and false interpretations. Even phone is shit for that. We hadnt learned how to communicate those difficult feelings with each other before I left. Those things are so delicate and its so valuable to see each other face to face and look the other person in the eye when approaching delicate subjects. Communication is the most difficult part of any relationship and it takes time and compassionate face to face interaction to figure out how to do that properly and delicately with the one you choose to share that moment in your life with. We hadnt established those boundaries or what was and wasnt acceptable communication in a disagreement.

Yes, I felt the disconnect at times especially when we couldnt ever get video chat to work because its so important to see and feel each other in the early stages of the relationship and one misses it terribly. As well as the fact that we had gotten used to hearing the pleasant sounds of each others voices almost daily without a phone delay. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to deal with. It was easier for me to tell myself that that horrible feeling of disconnection and missing hugs was only temporary because I have been through it multiple times. I should have told you how much I appreciated you trying.

I feel like maybe you thought I may not have been faithful to you and Im sorry if anything I said made you feel that way. It was never my intention to make you upset in any way. It was my intention to help develop an environment of trust and openness between each other. I value honesty more than anything and just wanted to share more of myself with you. I hope that nothing Ive told you about my past since Ive been here has cause you think differently of me or influenced your decision to end things. None of that stuff defines who I am. Who I am at my core is the same person I have always been with you. I want you to know that what you were already giving me was more than enough to make me happy and keep a smile on my face throughout the day by just thinking of it.

I never told you, but part of the reason I waited to enter a relationship with you was because I grew quite fond of the friendship we were developing between my contracts and I felt such joy just spending time with you and learning new things. I didnt want to loose that…I feel so sad that the relationship that was full of so much blossoming potential when I left , one in which we both felt so happy to finally be able to share with each other, has ended this way and over email when I am almost two weeks away from my last contracts end date. You made me so happy then. And once upon a time, the thought of me made you smile and feel overjoyed inside. A time when we both made sure to put our phones away and imagined and felt the sensations of each others emotions at that particular moment.