Need advice ASAP please

So I (19 F) was in a relationship with a guy (21 M) for over a year. The beginning of our relationship was great we were happy and made each other very happy. I ended up going to a different school than him in a different state and we agreed that the long distance was worth it cause we really cared about each other. We were in love and spent time with both our families and talked bout our future and everything was great.

However, I have had a rough past and really shitty relationships with family, friends and guys so I started to get scared and insecure. For the longest time I had let others mold me and create a version of myself that I really wasnt. I started being really mean and unappreciative. I let my frustration out on him when I was stressed bout school, family, friends and anything honestly. I nick picked everything he did and wanted to hang out with him all the time. I always made it seem like it was either me or his friends and hobbies. It got worse over time and I started to yell and really be mean and make any little thing into a problem. I called him names, lowered his self esteem, wanted to be with him 24/7 and would get pissed if he wanted to go do things. I wasnt letting him be himself and I was being selfish.

We ended up going a vacation with his family to celebrate his birthday and I complained the whole time and was sad and made it about me so he couldnt really enjoy his vacation or time with his family. I was blind to the way he was feeling and didnt even think about what I was doing but his family and friends noticed how stressed and sad he was. Throughout the relationship I was scared and hid my feelings and he didnt do anything wrong. He was perfect; he was caring, supportive, he loved me and treated me better than I deserved. He would drive hours to see me at my school and give up things for me and try to make sure I was always happy. There were several times he didnt do anything major but I would say were breaking up and make him cry.

He ended up breaking up with me at the end of the summer and I dont blame him no one could take the mental abuse I was giving him. I really did love him and cant understand why I did what I did for so long and in the end was unsure if I felt anything. After he broke up with me I started to look at myself and my life and came to the conclusion that I did need help, he said I needed therapy, and that I wasnt myself. I went to therapy and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and learned tht there were times where I was me and times were I was purely the depression. So not only have I not been myself but I have also been a depressed version too. I really wanted to change for myself and have been working hard to be the person u really am and want to be. I am now a very nice, bubbly, fun, passionate, caring person who wants to live, make friends, help people and be happy.

I am ashamed of how I acted in the past and sad I hurt the person I loved and who cared bout me the most but in order to move on I need to forgive myself and work on who I really am. I have been going to therapy, taking meds and working hard on being this new real me and I have been consistent for a month. This is the me I plan to be for the rest of my life and I am going to continue to go to therapy and work hard to make sure that will always be true.

Anyway I talked to my ex and owned up to everything and apologized and he decided to give me a second chance to see who I really am. I am so grateful for this second chance cause he is the best thing that happened to me and I was happiest with him and he gave me the courage to get help and be myself. Ik now tht I need to have my own courage and not depend on him and tht he adds a special something to my life that I want in a life partner. We have been talking for the past month and taking things slow and trying to resolve everything. However, he isnt sure about his feelings and is very confused. He knows he likes me and has feelings for me but says he doesnt like me a lot and feels nothing. So he told me he didnt feel anything when we kissed which really hurt. He isnt sure how he is going to feel in the end and he doesnt want to hurt me but hes worth the risk of getting hurt and working hard to peruse this relationship.

Ik who we were together in the beginning and that was really good and happy and good for each other. He wants to make sure that this is best for him and that Im best for him and he wants time to heal and be sure of that. His friends know we are friends now and that Im working on a new me but Thts all. He doesnt want his family or friends to know we are trying to make this work and Im not allowed at his apartment since his friends are his roommates and when were in public hes nervous cause he thinks wht were doing is wrong. In my opinion several couples have broken up and then working on things and gotten back together even though the circumstances are different in every case some even worse than ours and they are now happily living together and very happy.

Hes worried his friends and family wont support him but Ik they will. I really like his fam and friends and Ik then well enough to say they will understand. He doesnt want me hanging with his friends until hes sure of his feelings and is also worried Ill act the way I used to in front of his friends cause I didnt want to talk to them or anyone but thats not who I am. Hes scared Ill go back to the old me but I wont tht wasnt me this is who I am and Im going to be this person forever. Of course every couple had problems but Im going to handle them maturely and correctly this time. I want to be able to see his friends and fam and hang out and be happy again but hes still unsure and Thts hard. There was a point last weekend were he felt something in his heart and he wanted me with him and wanted to see me and then literally in a second he hit a wall and hasnt felt anything since and its confusing.

I want to have a future with him and I want us to get the apartment together like we were planning. We have to sign a contract in October but he thinks Thts too soon because he unsure and worried this wont work out and Ill go right back to the old me in a few months and he wont want to live with me and his friends will already have roomies. Hes also really worried that his friends and family will think its a bad idea. I dont think they will personally because we were together for a year and yes we were bad for 6 months but we were also good for 6 months and have been good this entire month. We love sleeping together and waking up to each other and cuddling and wouldnt tht be nice every night. I want to be able to play video games with him and lay on him while he plays, I want to cook his favorite foods for him, come home from work and class and see him, I want his friends to come over and play beer bong and poker and be able to cook for all of them and see them and I want his family to come over and see us and I want to cook for them too. I got a puppy and hes been here life since I got her hes her second favorite person and I want us to be all together. I want to decorate for both of us and put up a Christmas tree together and snuggle and watch our favorite movies. I want to be happy and I think thats with him but hes unsure about everything and getting an apartment and its a very hard process. Im not going to give up or not give it my all because this is very important to me and something Im passionate about. I just wanted some peoples advice on everything and the apartment and stuff because its hard and I want to see what wht people think or see if anyone has been in my situation. Sorry this is so long and thank you to anyone who reads and answers this I really appreciate it!!! :)