New relationship
Should parents be involved in their children's love life?
Is a guy stingy to suggest 50-50 pay during date nights?
I have asian parents and I just got on a new relationship months ago - and my parents didn't quite like my new boyfriend because he doesn't buy gifts or pay for food (he earns more than us) when going out together with my siblings. They think he's stingy and that he will not be able to take care of me financially when we eventually got married and things get difficult (during sick time and childbirth). Currently my bf tries to pay 50-50 during date nights (but mostly he pays) so my parents asked me not to meet him so often and eventually leave him because they think he's not enough for me. What do you guys think?
@calmSouth2032 I think parents should only get involved in their child's love life if their potential spouses show signs of major red flag issues. Half of the people present on this planet try to save money as much as they can, nothing wrong with it some people are just programmed like that. So here's the thing, if your bf wants to impress your family then yes he really should pay for dinner or insists that he would, it's almost an instinct for most partners who meet their GF/bf's parents to offer. I know some stingy people who have acted like this. For Asian parents it's a parameter of judgment, this not only shows them if the guy is willing to pay or not but also if the guy respects them. When you are thinking of spending your life together then it would mean that you both should respect each other's parents the way you respect yours, so if he goes to a restaurant with his parents, I am assuming he pays for the dinner or at least offers to pay then no reason he can't do the same with your parents. But you also have to keep in mind that he is not the only one paying, sometimes you should do it and your parents even. If you all are going to be a family, you should start treating each other like one.
And no guys are not stingy to suggest something like this, again you should offer it yourself. You should say hey you paid last time, let me pay today. Everyone likes to be treated nicely and feel appreciated.
@Zayu11 Thank you for giving a constructive advice. Maybe it is harder to compare as my bf and I both work overseas (in the same country) and my siblings stay with me, so parents could judge my bf's actions through his interactions with my siblings. However his family lives in his home country so frankly, I can't quite decide for myself how do their dynamics go with regards to this matter.
My bf did mention that his father is very stingy, even to his mother. It may be the fear of him being alike his father that made my parents worry so much.
Although I am trying my best to reason with my parents, to them it sounds as if I'm blinded by feelings and defending him. I even asked my parents, if they think he's not worth the time, then I will not continue pursuing this relationship, as I feel our family harmony is more important to me than if we keep arguing whenever we call. It's hard enough that we don't get to meet each other since covid started, so I don't want to create more rift between us.
He's a very nice, caring guy so it really broke my heart to say so. This however made my parents angry because to them, if it happens it should be my decision, not because of their comments on this. I'm just so torn between both parties, and it's slowly affecting my concentration at work on top of the stress every time I interact with them.
I apologize if it's too lengthy, I thought some bg explanations will be useful. Any help is appreciated :)
@calmSouth2032 you are in a tricky situation here, I am sorry you have to deal with something like this. So first and foremost it's very clear you can't win against Asian parents, I belong to a south Asian household so to some extent I can relate to the stress your parents might have been giving you, they tell you what they expect out of you and your decision, but they don't want to take any responsibility for it. So if you and your bf are in no hurry to take the next step in your relationship, then maybe you can wait for a few more months and see if anything changes.
To be very honest this being stingy thing can create a little bit of an issue, for example- my maternal uncle and aunt are stingy, and my parents especially my mother would pay a good amount for comfort and luxuries, they recently went on a two-day trip and the hotel was booked by my aunt, the review section said that it's a pathetic hotel but they still went through with it because it was cheap and '' Why spend so much money for a night''. My parents could not sleep at all in that room, the fan was not working, the washroom was stinking, and there were a lot of mosquitoes and no room service. And all of this after my parents said that they will pay their share of the entire trip.
So when you go out with someone who is this level of stingy then enjoying life becomes difficult, so maybe you can try planning a one-day or two-day trip with your bf and siblings, like try searching for hotel rooms with your bf, and see what type of hotel room he is going for if he's going for a cheap one, or for the one that's in the middle, or for the expensive one. You don't have to go on the trip, but just bring up the idea with him and see where he stands.
But I would still recommend waiting for a few more months at least until you get a fair idea of how the dynamics are between him and his parents. If there is immense pressure on you to take a call right now then maybe try the trip idea. I also use a modified version of this idea with my friends, I have a few friends that don't like spending a little over their budget in restaurants, friends who are on the same level as me, and friends who go way beyond my budget. So I go out with them to a restaurant or a cafe that is between the two extremes, and silently observe their reaction so that I know better about how much money everyone is comfortable spending.
Hope this could help a little bit, and please take of yourself. Try not to make a decision when you are this stressed.
@calmSouth2032, parents care for their children and give advices, but the final decision is yours, considering payments i think what is comfortable for u more to help him in payment or he should do that, i know every culture has its own rules, but what makes u happy is what make sense wit your relationships❤️.
