Not broken, shattered.

It's been two weeks since everything happened and this is the first time I've sat down to actually write things out. I apologize in advance as I know this is going to be long-winded. I divided this into years to make it a little easier to read if anybody cares to. I’ve just never felt so lost or betrayed in my life. I don’t know what i’m going to do about all this yet but I just feel like disappearing. I don’t feel broken, I feel shattered.

Year 1: True Love

It was the summer of 2017, I was 18 years old and back home from my first year of college. Scared, excited, confused, all the emotions of a young man finally getting a taste of freedom. That's when I met her. She had reached out to me over social media, it was the first time a woman had ever been the first to show interest in me. She told me I was smart, funny, handsome, washing away all of my deep seated insecurities like no one else ever had.

There was only one problem. Her last boyfriend had tragically passed away in a motor accident the year prior, and from the last texts that she read to me, it sounded like he took his own life that night. She felt guilty, she was grieving, and I wanted to give her the happiness that she had given me more than anything in this world. I wanted to put a bow atop this planet and hand her the world. Such a beautiful soul should not be in so much pain I thought. So that night I told her I loved her and that I wanted her to be mine more than I ever wanted anything before. That I would be there for her, whatever it is she might need. She told me the same, that I wouldn't be treated like my past relationships, that I could trust her.

Fast forward three incredible months together and I was going back to school, I'd have to leave the love of my life back home. It was hard, but nothing is too difficult when you're in love. 2 weeks into the school year I got a call from her, she was pregnant. I had never felt so utterly terrified in my life when she said she wanted to keep it, but as I said before, nothing is too hard when you're in love. I told her I'd come home and work, I'd transfer to a college closer to home for her, I'd get an apartment for our family, and most importantly I would be the father that our unborn baby deserved.

Fast forward again to the end of the semester, a call at 5am that it's baby time and the fastest I'd ever driven 150 miles. I made it in time. Several hours of labor later the most beautiful little girl I'd ever seen was now in my arms.

Year 2: Trials and Tribulations

With the last of my money I paid the deposit and first month's rent on our apartment, with $20 left in my bank account we started our journey. I found a job as a laborer in construction while she stayed home to take care of our little girl. The first couple months I'd noticed something was different. The postpartum had hit her hard and all she wanted to talk about was her ex. I obliged as I promised her I would. For her birthday I decided to surprise her by taking her skydiving, it took all the money I could save but it would be worth it, something she told me she had always wanted to do. When she opened the tickets she broke down and said she wouldn’t go, that it was a dream with him, not with me.

After more months went by I noticed nothing was getting better, she was still just as sad, I'd leave and when I'd arrive home she'd be in the same position on the couch, like she hadn't moved all day. This is when I first noticed what she'd been doing all day. I'd seen a Facebook notification from a guy I didn't know, asking when they would be hanging out. Curious, I unlocked her phone and saw that she was telling this man everything she hated about me. That I was childish, that she doesn't love me like she loved her ex, that she was miserable. The woman that I sacrificed everything for said she hated me. I asked her about it and she swore up and down it was the only guy and that it'd never happen again, that she was just venting and only talked about hanging out so he'd listen. I understood and she promised to start seeking help for her depression. I told her that all I wanted was for her to be happy, I wanted to see her smile again, and that if something bothered her to feel okay talking to me, that I would always understand.

I had been working extra hours and the night shift for a while to get us out of that apartment and was beaten, sometimes sleeping in the entryway with one boot off as I fell asleep before being able to take off the second. I thought all we needed was a change of place. Her mother had a house that she agreed to rent to us and we moved our little family there. We were there for about a month, things seemed to be looking up until my cousins(my age) birthday party that June. She didn't want to go so I went alone. All of my cousin’s buddies from school were there. I didn't know them very well so I spent the beginning of the evening chatting with my aunt. I noticed I was being pointed at by a group of the guys but thought it could just be my insecurity talking.

Later that night after most of the guys had left, one of them came up to me and said that I needed to check my girlfriend's phone. He said that one of the guys was talking up how my girlfriend said she wanted him, and that he was going to sleep with my girl. When I got home that night I asked her about it point blank, and she denied ever knowing the guy. Trusting her, I let it go for about a week. This was until my cousin had called to tell me the same thing. That night I unlocked her phone and saw the messages. Almost the same as before, that she was miserable with me, that I didn't make her happy, that I was too childish for her and this time that she really wanted them. Confronting her about it the next morning she told me to leave for going through her phone, so I did. Calling and calling her with no reply. I spent the night at a friend's and received one text the next morning "you'll be hearing from my lawyer." I told her that I'd stay at my friend's house that night and pleaded with her to talk to me the next day.

The next day she said she wanted me, but I had no right to go through her phone, that I wasn't getting an apology because that proved her point. She said it was time for couples therapy. In therapy, she said she felt like she does everything, that she needs more from me, so I decided I’d be the new cook. Breakfast and dinner were all me, and I got pretty good at it too. Copying Michelin chefs to make some pretty amazing meals for my little family. Though this didn't make her any happier. Still no hobbies, still no will, and after two years of therapy at this point she was still just miserable. I'd hold her every night as she'd have flashbacks to her ex. I wanted her. I wanted her better. I wanted her to love me the way I loved her. I wanted her to love me the way she loved him.

Year 3: Betrayal

I'm beaten, but I can't give up, I won't, I want this girl to be happy and I would do anything for it. This is the mother of my daughter. I dream about the white picket fence and the dog, the big house with a pool. I promised her the world and I was going to give it to her. That February I started having issues eating, at 6’2” I was down to 135lbs. The doctor I went to recommended a colonoscopy that went on to find the largest polyp the surgeon had ever seen in a 21 year old. He had told me that we would need to wait on results but should be ready to act fast if it was cancerous. That if I hadn't gone in, it would’ve killed me within the year. That next week was the most scared I'd ever been in my life. I was terrified, and all she could talk about is how much she missed her ex. I was alone, scared, around what I wanted to be my happy little family. I’d never felt so disconnected from this planet in my life. Even with this feeling, I knew in my heart that I just wanted her. The next 8 months of the year went as usual, she was sad, she missed her dead ex, she wished I was him but said she loves us both. I was just happy to hear her say she loved me.

Later that August she told one of her friends she didn’t want to talk to them again. She didn’t like that the friend didn’t want to talk about her ex anymore so she dropped her. That same friend messaged me and let me know that my girlfriend had an online alias and was looking for “Paypigs” (think about a sugar daddy type situation, I didn’t know what it meant when I heard it either) I confronted her and she swore up and down that it never happened. After I had found proof she was so furious that she hit me. Standing in the kitchen, with a piece of printer paper of proof, she hit me. She picked up the phone, called my mother, and said she would have to come get myself and my daughter. My car was in the driveway but I thought it best to leave it for her to use.

The next day she showed up to my parents house and said she wanted to take our daughter to the park. I obliged and later received a text that I would need a lawyer if I wanted to see her again. I rushed over to the house to try and grab some of my things to find that she had changed the locks. She had taken some of my stuff and packed my car. She left me a note that said any of the other stuff in the home would need to be decided in court. I tried to open the door but her stepfather answered and said that he was calling the police if I didn’t leave. When the police arrived they stayed and let me into the home to grab my things. They had tried to forcefully evict me which unbeknownst to myself and lucky for me is extremely illegal. Fast forward a month and there were no lawyers, she told me she wanted me back. That she was finally ready to let go. I’d wanted this girl to want me for so long, that I could try to forget about the other stuff. I’d come back in a heartbeat for her.

Year 4: Hope

She decided to get off all of the anti-depressants she had been on since giving birth and was starting to improve. There were happy days now, it would just kill me at the end of them to hear her say “I’m faking it until I feel happy”. I had finished my degree and started a job at the bank. I was making good money now. No more night shift, no more being so exhausted at the end of the day. I had more energy and more time to spend with her. Her idea of spending time was always movies and I love movies. Although looking back we never really talked much because of it. If I wanted to talk about our future she would say the future made her anxious. That she just couldn’t do it. If I wanted to talk about life it made her think of death and her ex. So we just didn’t do much talking.

Working at the bank I was able to feed my family the way I wanted to. Expensive steaks for dinner, going out to fancy restaurants. It made me happy to provide, but she seemed just as miserable. When she did talk it would be about her expensive tastes, the nice car she wanted, the nice shoes she wanted. So I went for more. I did a computing masters prep course for 6 months online while they slept. When I finally finished I applied to the 2nd best school in the country for the degree, if she wanted expensive things I was going to get an expensive degree and land an expensive job. I was denied. My heart sank, I’d worked tirelessly over those six months and I came up short. As I was breaking down she didn’t want to sit and listen to me vent, it made her anxious. She seemed so disappointed in me I knew I had to do something.

So I tried harder, paid someone to help do my application, make it better, apply for a different degree program that would be just as lucrative. This time I did it. I was accepted on 80% scholarship. I cried. Not only did I cry, I wept, I wept tears of joy for the first time since our daughter was born. I ran upstairs to tell her just to be met with “That's good, i’m panicky, can we talk about it later?” It was never talked about later, but I continued on. That vision of the white picket fence, the big house, the look on her face when I one day buy her dream car. I was going to make this woman happy.

I took us on a vacation later that summer to Boston where we had an incredible time. Bringing our daughter to the aquarium I saw her smile. A smile that felt real. I felt like all the suffering, all the tireless nights, they were all going to mean something now.

The rest of the year went similar to the others, but the breakdowns every night had stopped. She wasn’t talking to me about him all the time. We weren’t really talking about much at all but it seemed like she was getting better. Like the happiness I wanted to see on her face might be around the corner.

Year 5: Happiness?

At the beginning of the year I got a big promotion at the bank. I am making very good money now. I have one year left on my degree and I finally felt like things were turning the corner. She never wanted to go on a trip with me without our daughter before but she finally agreed. I took her back to the place she seemed happy last time, Boston. We had an extravagant week. Staying at the nicest hotel, eating at the best restaurants. I actually saw her seem happy to be around me, and she wanted to talk to me. She wanted to laugh, it seemed like it was all coming together. All the struggle was actually worth it. I can make this woman, the girl of my dreams, happy. We went out to a club and danced the night away. I wish I was able to come to the present on a happy note. That the feeling was right and we lived happily ever after, but if that was the case I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this in the first place.

The Present: Shattered

Through a friend of mine I had heard the words that hurt like hell. Like I felt the pain i’d bottled up these past 5 years in an instant. Another guy was saying that she wanted him. This time it was one of her ex’s best friends. I confronted her on it as the other times and she denied it. This time she wasn’t angry. This time she seemed like she meant it, like she was telling the truth. The problem was me. I couldn’t help the “what-if” that was eating away at me. I stayed like this for a week until I finally decided that night while she was sleeping. I'd find out exactly what she’d been doing behind my back. Now, I wish I never did. She had been talking to her ex’s best friend, and another guy that raped her in high school, since we met. Telling them how much she loved them, that she was truly in love with them, how much she wanted them, how I wasn’t good enough. How she wanted them to be the father of our daughter. How they were so much better in bed. Sending them photos of herself.

For all 5 years she was talking to them, meeting up with them, as early as just a month ago. To know that in her mind a rapist would make a better father than me. I couldn’t hold it back, I cried like a baby. Cried over my youth. I’m 24 now, those years of college I missed out on I'll never get back. I changed my whole life around for this girl and she couldn’t just let me go, let me be happy. I was too stupid to let her go, too afraid of losing my daughter to her rich parents lawyers, too in love with the thought of making this woman happy. I don’t feel broken, I feel shattered, like there's no way in my lifetime I'll be able to pick up all the pieces.

After telling her she denied it all, said that it was all fake. That it was just fantasies, that she didn’t really think any of those things about me. That she really would love me if I gave her a second chance. She even burned the stuffed animal from her ex boyfriend that she had slept with every night for 5 years. She says now that she's ready to love just me. That I should go through her phone every night to make sure. That shes done living these fantasies with other men, that it was just her projecting her dead boyfriend onto other people that would listen about him.

I stand here now looking at what I wanted the whole time. Someone to just love me. Someone that wants to try for me. Someone that says they’re willing to make a change. The part that hurts the most is I want to believe it, I want to believe that she would really just be with me now. But all the lies, all the pain, all the disrespect, all of the disloyalty. How can you love someone that never loved you? She says she always loved me but I never really felt it. I don’t know what I'm going to do. After all this, I still want her. The problem is the voice in my head now, the realization that the woman of my dreams was never real. I made her up. It was a figment of an 18 year old’s imagination, left to fester for years. That this girl wasn’t trying her hardest for me. Even though she says she's always loved me I don't feel it. She says that she pushed it back for 5 years because she didn't want to make her dead ex-boyfriend jealous.

She went through awful trauma with her ex-boyfriend’s death, but rather than letting me go, instead traumatized me for years. I can barely work, I can’t sit through a single lecture for school. I’ve been closet drinking for the past three years to make my head shut up on my doubts about her before bed and it's only gotten worse. She had to have seen the amount of liter bottles that were being thrown away each week, but she never said a thing. I just feel lost. I always think about the future, and now I sit here feeling just as stuck in the past as she was. If anyone actually made it this far I only have one question. What would you do? I’ve never been in a place this dark. I want to curl up and disappear. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep anymore. How do I make this feeling go away? Is there any chance at feeling normal again? Probably the most impossible questions to answer in the universe. I just want hope, the hope that I had through everything else, but I look inside myself and just see pain. She seems like she's actually doing better, while I'm feeling worse than i’ve ever felt.