Note to My ex-Knight in Shinning Boiler Suit
It feels like you thought I was more upset that you didn't want to be with me. Maybe that's a feeling you've had for sometime now. Maybe that's why you kept mentioning you hoped I find someone to make me happy again. But, honestly, it would have only hurt momentarily back then to hear the words 'I don't think we make a good couple,but I don't want to loose you as a friend. Let's start a new as friends' completely independent of anything else. I believe time would have passed and we would have learned how to be 'just friends' again.
I know you probably still hate me and fair enough. I don't know if you care about what I have to say. I allowed my hurt and anger over what happened get the best of me and I lashed out at you. I know I was wrong. I guess part of me also knew that there was no way we could commit to stepping back from contact unless both of us were angry.
No matter what, at one point in our timelines, we both felt completely safe and comfortable being ourselves and trusted and respected each other greatly. And I believe we were both happy during that time as well. The special connection we shared was Fantastic and could have stayed if nutured with honestly diffrently. So, cue the intro to 'A Single Man Tear'...
@warmheartedHuman2014
Hi there,
Thank you for sharing this very heart felt warming letter, I hope it somehow makes you feel a little better having said what's on your mind, it often does.
I hope you also receive a response if you have sent this in real life? And perhaps one day, after the hurt has dispersed, you guys can re kindly that friendship.
Best of luck to you
@professionalPerspective60 thank you so much for your kind words! I did send it but I don't expect a response. Maybe he will respond one day. But today is not that day. A lot has happened between us and his new girlfriend doesn't like me.
@warmheartedHuman2014
Your welcome.
Im glad you sent it, because it shows you care about the friendship, you have cleared your thoughts, and left the ball in his court. I do hope that one day he will come to realise the friendship is worth much more than the fall out, but I also understand, it must be quite tricky, especially because of his girlfriend, the thing you need to remember, is that you reached out, which is a very brave step, and more importantly, your at peace with yourself, you should be proud of yourself on both counts. You have done all you can do for now.
Time to move forward, inject some fun into your life, create some happy memories for yourself, you deserve to be happy 🙂
Take care and best wishes for your future 🙂
@professionalPerspective60 thank you. I know I can't expect him to be where I am at emotionally or maturity wise. I guess I just have to accept that he either doesn't value what we shared anymore or he is too prideful to say anything to me. Or maybe she told him to stop talking to me. I have to find new friends now....
Hey there, I hope writing to your ex made you feel better and liberated. I really liked your note and would like to say I'm proud of you :)
@Kaishi29 Thank you. It has made me feel a bit better. I am feeling and thinking with more clarity now. I felt that message embodied some good things we shared. I didn't call him my ex-knight in shining boiler suit because he has a girlfriend now. I just wish that is what I had said before, but having to work with her for two weeks on a small ship was really tough for me and i felt she was trying to get an emotional rise out of me by talking about all their plans whenever I was around or once even telling me to my face. I was an emotional wreck trying to act calm. But now, I see and feel things differently since having gotten off the ship.
Dear T,
I think the night I came to your house you had no idea how bad I'd been feeling. If you had, I'd like to think you wouldn't have slept with me but simply would have been a listening ear instead. But to be honest, the next three weeks rated as one of the most wonderful times in my life. I felt like I actually entered another universe when we were together. Reality was magic. And as quickly as it had begun, it began to end. I told you I had feelings for you and you didn't want that. You saw me less and less. It felt like I was being ripped apart, shred by shred. And the more you pushed me away, the more I fell in love with you. Except you wouldn't call it love. And neither would I. But love exists within it. And it could have been love if I wasn't so hurt and had become obsessed. While I couldn't quite break that night I came to you, I broke a few months later when I saw that it was well and truly over. It brought me to my knees. And I am thankful for that. Because now I can begin again. A new life. My own life.
Think I posted this in the wrong place but can't delete sorry.
@warmheartedHuman2014
You really can be proud of yourself, I mean you managed to identify what happened during your relationship, that step is very important in someones development. Internalising what happened teaches you lessons you can not receive anywhere else. I have no doubt that you will find someone that truely deserves your warm heart and knows how to show you the affection you deserve :) best of luck xx
@Ladybug11 thank you. You're so kind! Am am trying to learn from my past and not let it affect the current relationship I have with a mature man who adores me. It's tough sometimes because my new guy sees me as happy and free and I don't want him to know the sad me yet. But we are getting more serious and my triggers are being unintentionally pressed. :/
@warmheartedHuman2014
If he is as mature as you say there is no harm in sharing these things with him :) Besides everyone has a happy and a sad side, he knows that too and probably just waits for you to open up to him :)
@Ladybug11 Thank you. I'm slowly getting there. I have told him some things. Like how I'm a little worried that he may find my sexual past a bit much. I have't done anything really out, but he is rather 'vanilla' when it comes to bedroom stuff. He said he doesn't care about what I've done and doesn't think less of me for it. That there are some things he would be willing to try with me in time. That is good that he said this, but I still have some trepidation.
@warmheartedHuman2014 I am glad you are slowly opening up to him, it is a step by step process after all ;)
To be very honest, I dont believe he judges you on your past like he says he doesn't. What counts is what you do with him and who you are while you are with him :) the memories you forge together etc. Those are what matter and nothing else. You got this!
@Ladybug11 thank you. I am trying. But I'm starting to notice some red flags that are almost deal breakers for me...like how he instantly goes into attack mode when he is angry or misunderstands something. I posted another thread today...I think he tried to break up with me over text...
@warmheartedHuman2014 I will try and find your threat. I am really sorry this had to happen to you :( Some men just don't know how to help a woman out with emotional distress, that can lead to insecurity which causes him to take every small bit personal :( it sucks... but you can get though this, you are strong :) dont forget to keep your head high xx
@Ladybug11 hey, yeah. I knew he had anger issues and communication issues but he was open about them and showed me he had been working through his issues for some time. Meditating and waiting to reply to coworkers and colleagues. But, it seems he can't do that when his heart is involved. He picked a fight and broke up with me three weeks ago. I hadn't talked to him in about as much time and I never said anything bad and actually stopped the fight from escalating. I just got home and called him to see if he wanted dinner some time this week. His reply was really rude and he threatened to block my number. I hadn't even contacted him in three weeks...I asked him why he was so angry still and he didn't really answer that question. Just stated reasons he broke it off. But they were all issues that were caused by text misunderstanding or stuff that only happened once. And it felt like he was attacking me for the break up. I don't know what happened to him while I was gone...but I won't contact him again.