Obliterated my Best Friendship

Hey everyone, thank you for taking the time to read this.

Here's what I'm struggling with...

Nine months ago, I moved in with my best friend of 20 years. He lived in another state, and I was having a crisis moment in my life after losing my job, being unable to afford rent, and tanking some great work friendships. I've struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life, and each year of my life only seems to get worse... Sometimes I can laugh about it, but most of the time, my past causes me great anticipation for my future.

Since every year seems to get crazier (which I ultimately worsen because my feat clouds my judgment and then I make poor decisions), I really don't want to keep going, but I know I have to. I had bled to death in 2017 when I cut my arm open. Somehow I survived, though I absolutely should not have.

Anyways, my best friend has been super supportive for the past couple years after he went through some hardships of his own. He and I really bonded over our struggles, and that felt good. Fast forward to moving in with him. He had offered to let me stay with him free of rent for 2 months while I looked for work and got set up (it's a 2 bedroom apartment). When I moved in with him, he asked for rent for both of the months that he said he wouldn't charge me for... I gave him several hundred for 1 of the months, then found a job and paid him each month.

Sidenote: the place was filthy when I arrived. I spent hundreds in cleaning supplies and days of man-hours laboring over cleaning the place. Mouse poop, grease dripping from the overhead stove fan, cat-piss soaked carpets, garbage in the front yard - it was an embarrassment. But, he's my best friend, I love him, and I'm happy to clean for us if he can't get to it. I also think he's been very depressed since he found his former roommate dead on their porch.

Well, 2 months later, I was hit by a car. It nearly killed me, my right leg was shattered in 3 places, and both my wrists were broken. My body beat the odds again somehow, and I survived. My best friend was by my side when I woke up in the hospital hours later. He really helped me while I was in the hospital for about 6 weeks. My family covered my rent, then I was able to go home. I had a lot of expenses and went through the fundraiser within 3 months, and my friend covered our rent.

He didn't have a lease for us or himself, though, so we couldn't get renter's assistance. He said he would get one, but didn't. Then we tried together to sign a lease one time but the property management company needed more information. I reached out but they never got back to me so neither of us were leased to rent.

I flew back to my home state a few weeks ago to see my newborn niece. My lawyer had given me a partial settlement check in order to allow me this trip. I paid my friend for 3 months of rent (2 backed rent payments), but my family had a bunch of financial crises and I wanted to help. I also did spend a good amount on a used computer, some clothing, and weed (about 1/5 of the check). My friend got about 3/10 of the check, and I spent about 1/5 of the check traveling home. His mother let me stay with her, since my family doesn't have room, but I still paid a lot in gas, food, and helping both his mother and my family with fixing up stuff.

Then my cat had to go to the emergency vet which cost about $250.00, plus my flight had gotten delayed and I spent $300.00 in Uber just to get to the Airport (there, back, and there again). So I had unforeseen circumstances that cost about 1/10 of the check.

My sister needed help with rent, so I asked him for $500.00 back to help her, which he gave, but then he told me to be smarter with my money. It was pretty offensive and presumptuous, so I told him that and he berated me for being selfish, unfair to him, irresponsible with my money, spending it frivolously, and smoking too much weed. He told me that I need to listen to him when he tells me things, that he's been letting me get away with a ton of stuff while we've been living together, and that I'm completely disrespectful to him. He kept attacking me while I literally begged him to stop and apologized endlessly... Then he stopped talking to me... It brought up a lot of my anxieties, fears, projections, and PTSD.

So, after blocking him for a few days, I sent him essentially a letter attacking him back. I told him he cannot speak to me that way, that this isn't the first time he's attacked me a told me to move out (the first time was because I was bummed it was raining). I also told him that I had to do most of the stuff that he told my family and I that he would do while I was in the hospital, and that I revealed that truth to my family. I called him out for living in a filthy apartment, for not getting maintenance to fix anything, for not picking up after himself, for his girlfriend helping him clean his room, for him taking back his initial 2-month offer, that I've given him thousands and additional free money when I have it tp show my gratitude and pay him back, and that he's unambitious for never doing anything with me and always playing video games, lacking follow-through on his dreams. I confessed that living with him has not been what we talked about because we never go out, work on what we talk about in our daydreams, and that I'm tired of waiting for him to do this stuff with.

I then bought a plane ticket back to my home state for after I return to our apartment. He texted me a couple days later stating that he didn't want to live together anymore. I hadn't either, but I know more clearly now that I could've been a better man and not attacked him back. Ultimately he is right, but he is also wrong, and I am not completely responsible.

I sat home all day for 3 months fpr a total of 5 months either bedridden or stagnant, and the depression overtook me. I did buy things for myself to do, but I figured I was always frugal about it? I bought some cheap video games, art supplies, craft supplies... I smoke a lot of weed, though, and that does get expensive.

But I only had a small income (less than the amount of rent) each month which didn't last. It's been tricky financially.

Anyways, my friend and I are strictly on diplomatic speaking terms. He's living with his girlfriend while I take the week to move out and fly home. I think my only other 3 friends don't like me now as well as this best friend, because of the reasons my friend gave for being angry with me and because of what I said in my response to him.

I've snapped at and had falling outs with all 4 of my closest friends now in the past 2 years, and I think they might all be sick of me. I have to move back home to sleep in my sister's office, and she has a newborn. I don't have much money yet (the settlement hasn't wrapped up yet), and now I fear I have no friends and nowhere to go in this world...

I don't think I deserve friends and good people in my life, and I fear making new relationships in the future. Now I really have nobody to hang out with, and I don't want to keep relying on my family to lend an ear just to comfort me when I react negatively to situations and fuck up my life...

What do I do from here? What thoughts do I think? What thoughts do I avoid? Do I deserve compassion or support? I don't think I do. I'm too old for fucking up my life anymore. How do I turn my life around and accomplish my goals, make myself and my family proud, be a good friend... I feel so, so alone right now, and a lot of that is internal negative thinking.

Thank you for taking your time to read this. I appreciate you.