Repeatedly broken
For the most part of my single life (as a gay born-again Christian man), I have constantly struggled with finding love. I have tried so many times to develop positive relationships with the men I met but I think those relationships never lasted because in their minds, a mature handicapped gay guy (I am afflicted with polio) is not a good candidate for a relationship. It is those repeated brokeness that made me even more desperate to find love because I feel that my chances of finding it is getting slimmer and slimmer as the years pass me by.
Just recently, I met two men. I had a friendly date with one of them while the other will be coming from abroad to study here. The thing is I never planned to but I fell hard for both of them. The first, a professional said he liked me but he doesn't feel the same way I did. The other said he can only be a friend at best.
To make matters worse, I'm stuck in a job I have grown to loathe and my mom is bedridden. I am assailed from all sides with this burdensome situation and there's nobody I can talk to about it. I've been betrayed before when I confessed to being gay and the thought of opening up to people around me is something I don't plan to do ever again. I never knew loving can make me hurt in places I never imagined existed in my soul. I am howling in deep, unfettered pain.
@BrokenFragmented Hello, I'm Janet. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and have had to face one thing after another. Life happens that way, the complete opposite to how we hoped, and it leaves you feeling battered and bruised inside. It clearly feels like it will always be this way, which is understandable as it doesn't sound as though you've had many positive experiences to show you otherwise. I'm not going to say how life gets better. I think when you're feeling trapped in a darkness, hearing that doesn't always act as a comfort. What can help, is your doing exactly what you've done, writing it down and reaching out to people through your words. Writing and talking it all out of you won't immediately change your feelings or situation, but it allows you to pour your pain into a safe place rather than carrying it with you in silence. Eventually, it can help you take stock, take a step back and look at different ways to make changes. Be patient and kind with yourself, little steps. The main thing at this point is to just let it out. When faced with pain from every place you turn, it's too overwhelming to look for answers. It doesn't mean there aren't any, just that you've gone through so much and that's what needs to be helped with first. If you ever want to talk, please feel that you can, I'll always listen. Look after yourself and I sincerely hope you find comfort and strength and support.
