Scattered

This is just for me, no comments please.

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So I feel kind of weird today. I think part of it is my sleep schedule being thrown off, since I was off work today. I also re-arranged my colourpop eyeshadow palettes (the shades are magnetic) and I decluttered like 16 of them. 7 of them I just didn’t need. The other 9, I basically took out all of the copper, gold, yellow and orange shades and put them in other palettes, because I never use those colors. There were also warm tones and other repeat shades that were unnecessary for me. It’s wild how many copper gold and orange shades are in eyeshadow palettes. Overall yes I was happy with the result but part of me feels sad to have kind of taken the rose colored glasses off, seeing eyeshadow palettes for what they truly are. A long time ago, I also consolidated my ABH palettes, soft glam, modern renaissance, and Norvina og. My favorite shades literally exist in one palette now. Out of 3 entire palettes, I liked 1 palette’s worth of shades. It makes me question so much about life.

I feel like this is kind of what happened the other day when talking to my ex, but it wasn’t about eyeshadow. Basically, he kind of snapped at me just for politely asking him not to text me when he’s drunk. Then later he didn’t apologize but he said I deserve to not feel a certain way when talking with him or not be pressured into texting when he’s drunk.

I thought about everything that’s happened recently with him. How my love for him, deep down, is the same, but some of the pieces are missing. It’s like from each conversation I have with him, a piece of trust or love or faith disappears. Rarely a piece is put back in. But it’s not the same. Because even though we both love each other, and that piece is still there, all the other ones around it are things I’d usually avoid in a relationship. Addictions (he has), ghosting, cheating, flirting with me when drunk even though he has a girlfriend, not wanting to commit to me even though he loves me, not getting the help he needs even though he wants help, talking to me mainly when drunk, him asking if I’d be into polyamory because that’s what he and his girlfriend are into but haven’t tried yet, him saying pet names toward me, him not following through on talking to me or just not reading my messages when we are mid conversation and it’s my turn to share, him not being able to forgive himself, him having such low self esteem, him forgetting what he’s said in the past or recently. All of these pieces make me question the actual foundation of our love for each other. Because it seems like a lot would have to change in order for us to have a future.

and it might sound weird, but when I depotted all of those shadows, putting them back how I wanted, then looked over at the others...I wondered how I could overlook all of these repeat shades or shades I’d never use. But I bought the palettes anyway. Because they made me feel good. And it might have only been one or two or three gold shades, but they add up. And overtime I just had so many palettes I felt overwhelmed to the point where I had no idea what I even wanted to use.

and that’s kind of where I stand right now with my ex. Because I still believe we are soulmates, even if we aren’t together again. And my intuition tells me, against all odds, that we will be together again. But the rest....the rest of the mess. It’s so overwhelming, it’s really hard for me to know anything for sure.

I am glad I have my power back, and I’m very thankful I have answers now. I lost my mind before. But now I feel close to being whole again. There’s just something missing. Basically...something isn’t adding up. I feel like he’s hiding even more. And I’m hiding too. Because the few times I did open up, he was too busy to read it or he made a joke. And he doesn’t mean bad intentions toward me, I know that. It’s just that...he wasn’t like this before. And it’s honestly freaking me out. It’s like his emotional maturity is gone. And I’m just left with this version of him who gets drunk or throws tantrums or hates himself. I don’t know what to do with that. And I told him that even if he was single I couldn’t be with him because he’d have to get help first.

Sometimes I think about him in the past, how that person would never have done these things or said these things to me. Because he wouldn’t have hurt me. But this version of him...something snapped.

I have rambled long enough.

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This is just for me, no comments please.

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