Some kind of anxiety
I don’t even know why but sometimes I get anxiety in my relationship. We’ve been together for 7+ years so It’s not like a jealous kind of anxiety or a fear of them cheating. I just feel anxiety, like my partner is emotionally distant from me or something. It’s like a subtle change in them that I can just sense. Is that normal? Is it ok for me to feel that way? I kind of feel like that’s co-dependency and that’s unhealthy. But idk? Any advice?
@MotherOverLoad Hello,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. It's important to remember that everyone experiences anxiety in relationships differently, and what you're feeling is valid and worth exploring.
Feeling anxiety in a long-term relationship can have various causes, and it doesn't necessarily mean it's due to jealousy or fear of infidelity. It's possible that the anxiety stems from a subtle change or shift in your partner's behaviour, which can impact your emotions.
It's crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings. Express your concerns and observations, allowing them to understand how you've been experiencing anxiety. Healthy communication can help address any emotional distance and enhance your connection.
As for your concerns about co-dependency, it's essential to evaluate the dynamics of your relationship and consider seeking professional support, such as couples therapy or individual counselling. A therapist can provide guidance and help you explore your emotions, identify any underlying issues, and develop healthy coping strategies.
Remember, it's okay to seek support and invest in your emotional well-being. Trust your instincts and prioritize open communication to foster a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Take care.
@MotherOverLoad Hello!
It's important to communicate with your partner about this, as cliché as that is. My partner and I have been together for about 7 years as well (known each other for 9) so I'm in a sort of a similar relationship situation.
My partner knows that I have anxiety surrounding perceived annoyance or anger, as he also has similar social anxieties. Because of this, we will regularly ask "are you upset with me" as a conveyer of feelings of anxiety or just "off vibes". And then the other person will explain their feelings and why it may read that as annoyance or anger. It will go something like this:
Me: Are you mad at me or upset?
Him: Nope! I'm really focused on this game, it's just at kind of a tense part. I had a lot of fun hanging out with you earlier today!
And that will go both ways in the relationship, where I ask him OR he asks me. This is responded to with just reassurance of positive feelings, lack of judgement when asking about perceived energy, and explanation of why the other person might perceive any upset. It's a good system for us, and can also help us in helping out the other person with other issues that they're having (stress at work, discomfort surrounding chores, etc.)
Thank you both so much for your replies! I completely agree that communication is fundamental aspect of a good relationship. I am always completely open and honest with my partner, but they are more reserved with their feelings than me. Sometimes when I ask if they’re upset with me or something, they seem kind of annoyed or confused as to why I would even ask that. Whichhhh in turn, makes me feel even worse. I’m usually very good about communicating the fact that their response didn’t help me with my anxiety, they apologize and it’s kind of just left at that. It doesn’t quell my anxiety, but I’m unsure of how to explain that.
Also, since my partner is (a lot)more reserved with their feelings and talking about them than I am, I’m not sure if continuing to talk about how I’m feeling after they’ve reassured me that I don’t need to feel this way is crossing a sort of boundary or something? I’ve tried asking them and they told me it was fine, but whenever I DO start talking in depth about how I’m feeling, they kind of… tune me out, ya know? Like they aren’t ACTUALLY listening or paying attention. So I don’t know if I’m crossing a boundary and/or making them uncomfortable talking about my feelings or if maybe they just don’t really care that much? Idk… Any thoughts?
@MotherOverLoad You are welcome!
I think it's commendable that you prioritize open and honest communication in your relationship. It's understandable that it can be challenging when your partner is more reserved with their feelings. It's important to remember that everyone has their own communication style and comfort level.
When you express that their response didn't help with your anxiety, it's positive that they apologize. However, it's concerning that they seem to tune you out during those conversations. Active listening is crucial in any conversation. It would be beneficial to have a deeper conversation about how their reactions make you feel and explore ways to better support each other during moments of anxiety or vulnerability. This will help you find a middle ground that works for both of you. It's important to address the ongoing impact their behaviour has on your anxiety.
@Mya000 thank you for your suggestions. I’m definitely going to have a deeper conversation about this matter with my partner and I also appreciate the reassurance you’ve given me that my feelings are valid.
@MotherOverLoad You are welcome ❤️
@MotherOverLoad
I think that there's a fundamental difference between communicating if and when a person feels a certain way (i.e. a person telling you when they're upset with you) and communicating why you may perceive a certain feeling.
I feel that your partner understands that communicating when they are feeling upset is important. However, they may not understand that communicating to troubleshoot your perception of unease is something that is fundamentally important to individuals with neurodivergence in the form of things such as social anxiety and other things.
It's important that they know that you want them to communicate general feelings when you're asking if they're upset so that you can help logically counter your anxieties of unease in the environment. Sometimes asking if they're upset can feel, to them, like you don't trust them to speak up when they ARE upset.
It's less about you asking them to communicate when they are upset. You trust them to say something in that circumstance. It's more about helping you to counter irrational anxieties with rational explanations towards uneasy feelings in the environment. Sometimes you logically know of a reason for the unease that stems from something outside of you, such as your partner coming home from a long day of school/work, or other life stresses like car trouble or financial stress. But it helps to hear it from the person themselves.
Sometimes, it's difficult for those who have different brains to understand the differentiation. But I do my best to put it into words to explain the reasoning towards asking.
I hope this is in some way helpful! May you find compassion and peace.
@Lenizinad Thank you for your insightful response. Your explanation/perspective has been extremely helpful to me and my partner as I’ve always had trouble putting this into words. I sincerely appreciate the time you took to respond! May you find compassion and peace as well, friend.