The Story.

If you were anyone but you, would you be the same?
Would you turn the time and make a different?

After all these years I had, one thing I know is that I always blame past. Was it necessary? I don't know but it feels right and wrong at the same time. Should I not? or Should I just go? I hate myself. Maybe because I feel like a failure. I feel like I am alone. Are they by my side? I'm not attractive, yet I want to be. But never be. Have I used all I had? I don't know. I maybe just too afraid of losing. I am afraid of things. Yet, I couldn't even say anything I want to say to people. So there I am, talking alone in my head. I've ever said to not regretting things. But, instead of regretting, I blame it. I always negative, I feel like I could do nothing. I have no talent. I have friends, but will they sacrifice for me, while I would.

I always put a smile on me, just because I don't want to talk about how I feel. Because they just won't listen. Trust me, I did say how I feel and ended in a fight.

Since I was a kid, I taught to be kind to people, to be a person that look "good", to please them. But we just can't please them all, can we? I was talkative, and my teacher at school told me to shut my mouth. When I was home, I wanted to play with my friends, but my mom said no, because I'd already taken a bath. My brother always took a half of my money, and when I told my parents they always ignore it. When my brother knows, I get bullied. And there we go, the beginning of my ignorance, my negativity towards self, and the silent of my mouth. The fake-ness inside my soul.

Because I think there's no point in saying things, since no one would listen. They just wanted to know and nothing else seemed to matter.

I thought my parents would come talk to me when I became smarter. I study. Study. and Study. But my parents always told me, "You should get a better score than this". I tried hard, mom, dad. But nothing seemed good for you. I've never been enough for you.

"See, your cousin do better than you"
"Look at my friend's kid, He got a scholarship. Why can't you?"
"Look at she, she did better than you"

and that, my friend, the start of my enviousness towards others.

You. All of you. just say "oh your brother is so smart". I want to be called smart too. I tried hard to be. But no one seemed to realize that I want you to be proud of me too. and so long after that, I stop talking to people. I play nice and cool, the purpose is to please people. The fake-ness has surrounded my heart completely. Day by day I received the same treatment. There goes my elementary school days, my junior high school days, and still the same to the high school phase. All you see is my brother. When he did wrong, I'm the one the teachers talking to. Saying I'm not a great sister because I can't make my brother do well. Still, I played my high school life as a cheer kid no-one see. I'm just that one little grass on the field no one noticed. Just when I feel like I belong, they made me realized that I'm just a substitute. No one really wants to be friend with me. I couldn't talk to people. I'm socially awkward. Well, I could. but just in a short talk. Trust me, I'm boring.

I've never pretty enough.
I've never smart enough.
I've never done enough.
I've never done everything right.

Those thoughts haunt me like hell. Always. And never really gone. I'm always thinking to go to the psych, just maybe to talk to them about this but I don't think it would work. What do I have to do now? What do I have to do? How to be my really old self. When I could talk the way I want, do the things I want to do, studying what I want to study, and be what I wanna be. Now I lose myself. I don't even know the real me anymore. I lost it. I'm fake. and I hate it.

Just what do I have to do? How can I love myself?