The most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever had to do

Never in my life would I think that breaking up with someone would be this difficult. I aways used to think that breakups happen because the love is gone, or because people drift apart, or because they cheat or simply find someone else. At least that was always the case in my relationships. I never thought I would have to break up with someone I still have so much love for. We’ve been together for over 6 years. He’s 34, and I’m 25. He’s my first everything. I’ve grown up with him. We’ve been with one another through the hardest times of our lives. He is ready to settle down, get married and have kids. I’m not. I don’t know when, or if I’ll ever be. It’s really difficult loving someone so much, but not being ready to take the next step. It breaks my heart to even think about possibly seeing him with someone else in the future. Having the kids and the life he once wanted with me. I hate myself for being so selfish. I hate myself for not having the courage to let him go. We both know that things have to come to an end, but we’re both equally as scared to talk about it. The worst feeling is having someone who loves you so much, someone who would do anything for you, but you just can’t be with them anymore. It feels horrible to be the person who does the breaking up, especially when you still love someone so much. I just get caught up remembering the beautiful times we had together, and the thought of never experiencing those moments again is so scary. How do you move on from someone you love so much? How do you live someone from a distance? I want him to have a chance at happiness. I want him to find someone who is going to give him everything he ever wanted. I love him with all my heart. I’ve spent the last 7 days crying. I’ve lost over 5kg in the past week. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. It’s eating me up. I’ve been away from home for the past 3 months, and I’m going back home in a week. The thought of facing him gives me the chills, only because I don’t think I can break up with him in person. How do I look him in the eyes and do it? And I’m such a coward. I hate myself for it. He deserves so much better. I tried breaking up with him about six months ago. We were broken up for 2 days, and got back together. I don’t know how I’m gonna do it again. The reason for the first break up was me not wanting to have kids. It was heartbreaking. The worst thing feeling I’ve ever experienced. He said some things out of fear, and out of shock. Things that have stuck with me to this day. He said how I was his last chance at having a family, how he’s never gonna find someone else. I know he said it out of fear, but it really messed me up and made me feel guilty and horrible. He’s always been the most amazing boyfriend. The worst part is having someone who loves you so much, someone who would do anything for you, but you’re not giving the the same amount of love back. And I love him, I do, but I’ve been distant lately, because I’m so scared of facing him after three months. And he’s so excited to see me. I’m a terrible person for doing this. I hate myself so much. I wish he would hate me too. It would probably be easier for both of us.