This Is Gonna Be A Rollercoaster

This is going to be lengthy... but I met this guy on an online game a year ago, I was 15, and he was 17. We hit it off immediately when we met. I didn’t get his instagram until last February. Then we started really talking everyday. The moment I realized I did have feelings for him was my birthday last year because it went horrible and he sent me an entire paragraph to make me feel better and It made my birthday so much better. He lives an hour from me, Btw. We talked everyday since May of last year. I didn’t realize I was falling in love with him.. I confessed to him in April and he felt the exact same way. We almost got into a relationship until one day, he completely just ghosted on May 3, 2020. I was so confused and I was absolutely broken because I was so attached and I didn’t realize until months after, I was falling in love with him... I tried contacting him a few times, and I didn’t get no response until JULY. I had my friend look up info about him since I didn’t have somebody else to contact for him to make sure he was okay and I didn’t know what other option I had. So my friend found info about him, and when I spoke to that boy, he was very upset with me. But he told me he didn’t intentionally want to ghost but his ex girlfriend who he’s told me so much about got her nudes leaked and she’s holding him accountable so now he has a whole court case. I told him i’d give him space, but I didn’t know space would turn into months and maybe even longer... every time I would try to contact him, he never responds. I would message him all the time and I had from August to December. When I finally decided to go off. I was so broken in November, that I started self harming again because I couldn’t get over the fact he was potentially gone forever. I blamed him all for it, and that’s when he finally decided to respond... he told me he got actually arrested, he hasn’t felt anything for emotions in months, he’s very numb and it’s hard to care about anything anymore, his mugshot was going around school, and he still has this court case going on.. he pretty much came out and told me he wanted to kill himself because of the hardest time of his life right now. And I made it worse by blaming him for what I was doing to myself. I told him I would always be here for him even though he doesn’t respond. He hasn’t responded to me since that day. Then he didn’t respond to anything or wish me a happy birthday on Feb 25, so I called him an asshole but he didn’t respond. But a week later, I forced him to message back and he said how he doesn’t get me and he went on explaining what he’s been going through since the last time we spoke. He was in a mental hospital for trying to kill himself and he’s been trying to make good choices and to stay alive. Then we spoke on March 16th, and he asked how i was etc. he said he missed me and wished he could’ve been there for me while i was suffering along with him. Then, his bday was April 2nd so i sent me a small essay and he responded two days later “thank you so much kenna. i hope you know i really appreciate you even though it doesn’t seem like that rn” and it made me realize he still cares but i’m missing him so much that it’s really fucking me up dude.