Torn

I have wanted to be single since I was little. Then hormones kicked in and that plan changed during my early teen years. I fantasized about having an amazing marriage with an amazing man who'd love me and we'd do amazing things together. Those fantasies went on for a while until I matured a little bit and realized marriage wouldn't be that way. So I was content to take my time to find the right guy and not rush into anything while I was young. I wanted to stay single long enough to really enjoy my youth and accomplish everything I wanted to before settling down.
Until I met this guy... and started to have really strong feelings for him. I'd even say I loved him, but he didn't see me that way. To keep a long story short my feelings for him went down in a horrible fiery crash. I went through a lot of pain because of it and now I feel really shut off from the idea of romantic love. Well sort of...

I don't want to be "in love" ever again. I don't want to feel that way because with all the beauty and butterflies of it comes the pain, the heart wrenching pain. I don't ever want to get married. I just want to be alone. Except I don't exactly?
I don't want to love, but I want to be loved. I want someone to look at me and melt inside because they just love me more than words can express. I want someone to bring me flowers and cookies just because they want to see my smile. I want someone to be willing to put up with all my many flaws without blinking an eye. I want to hold hands and take long walks and have someone to talk to. I want someone to ask me for a dance. I want someone to kiss me and I want them to kiss only me. I want someone to wipe my tears when I cry, to massage my shoulders when they are sore, to wrap their arms around me when I am afraid, to give me their all. But..I can't give any of that back to them. I know I am selfish. I am asking for more than anyone could ever hope to recieve.

And to make it even more confusing- even though I want all of this I never want to be in a relationship. I don't want a boyfriend or a husband. I want to stay single. Until I'm old and grey I don't want a ring on my finger. And yet, my soul longs for this love. This beautiful, messy, unconditional love.
My heart is torn. It is so painful but so numb. My heart is torn between love and loneliness. Loneliness where I know I am safe. And love where I wish I could be safe.