Trouble Bonding/Getting Close in Friendships
Hi, I've noticed recently I've had trouble with getting close to friends. In school, there is a huge quantity of students. I saw how everyone even to the quietest kid I've seen from a few years ago they all found their people, or at least someone. I find it surprising I have not made not even one genuine friendship. Is it my social skills? My character? I'm not sure. I can make a friendship but getting close is not my cup of tea. I ask myself, what is it that I'm missing? where do I usually go wrong?. Usually in most of the friendships there is this weird formula, the same issue that repeats. New friendship, goes well/gets along, drift/not close/lost of interest.
Therefore, I assume it is me. I'm not doing something right. Yet I have not figured it out yet. Adding on, it might be this barrier. Like a wall. I can't tell if I'm protecting myself or isolating myself. I began to lose some trust in people as since I've had toxic friendships before. I had one where the would constantly put me down but becomes kind when they are alone. I had another one where it thought was genuine but had been turned into jealousy, competition, though I was there for them when they went through challenges of life and their mental health.
Today, I was planning to ask this classmate if I could sit next to them (they have a group of friends they sit with). We walked to lunch together, they were also texting their friends so they could meet up. And so, when we got to the lunch area they had told me they were planning to meet up with friends and so we split from there. I know they did not do anything wrong but after these events I've been experiencing, I felt not so good. As I walked away, I felt this nervousness and tears about to rise up and fill my eyes.
After lunch, I was about a bit early to class and sat down. Then a few minutes later the class begins to fill up with students. The classmate had eventually came (the one from lunchtime) (they also sit right behind me in class). They said Hi and I replied back.
(To be continued)