Video calling

Ever since lockdown began, I've been living on my own (for about 9 weeks now). I haven't had any physical human contact in at least that long; no hugs, handshakes, not even a hi-5. I miss hugs the most and gets me really down a lot of the time.

I miss my friends everyday, we video call sometimes and this is nice but it doesn't feel often enough. I don't want to bring this up because it'll sound like I'm being clingy and I don't want to constantly be asking for their time. Still, at the end of each video call everything goes silent and it makes me realise how alone I am again.

There's always one person in my friendship group who I may or may not have a crush on and whenever she's not in the video call it makes me feel sad. But this isn't a good way for me to think since I sound like I'm neglecting the effort from my other friends for taking part in these calls.

I don't know if this girl fancies me back but I can guess not (she's a very good friend and always brightens my day but she's also incredibly attractive and gets crushed on by loads of guys. I'm not exactly better than anyone else and I'm ok with that because sometimes I don't know if I really fancy her. It's strange because she's always in my head and I don't know if I want her to be or not).

Anyway, I can't wait for lockdown to be over so I can physically see my friends again, but I'm not optimistic that it will happen any time soon and this makes me feel really sad and alone quite a lot of the time.