What I deserve

This is just for me, no comments please.

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This sounds kind of silly, because I intuitively know what I deserve, but it didn’t really sink in until after my ex told me something related to what I deserve. I don’t trust my ex, which is really unfortunate. He can’t be trusted right now. He’s still one of my friends. But I do have boundaries. Earlier today I told him politely to not text me while he’s drinking (he’s an alcoholic) unless it’s an emergency. He didn’t take it well at all. I explained that I have a lot of feelings. I can’t shut them off. He says things that are more flirty when drunk and it puts me in an awkward spot since we both know we love each other, but he won’t leave his girlfriend. But after I explained this puts me in an awkward spot, and that I’m looking for more understanding and less judgment, he finally said he understood. And then he said I deserve all of that.

It sounds so weird but this really triggered me into a thought of what I deserve. I think about it all the time, but it feels more real now somehow. I didn’t deserve any of this. I deserve love with someone I can trust. A relationship with someone who isn’t going to play ego games. Someone I can lean on who listens. And it sounds like the guy I’m already slightly involved with but have been holding back from. He wants friends with benefits so that’s fine. But maybe it’ll turn into something more.

I can’t keep waiting for my ex to grow up. Or get the help he needs. I keep trying my best with him and I always wind up back to square one. With the way he reacts and gets defensive. It’s just...really hard.

I still don’t know exactly what I want but I know I have to be strong with my standards.

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This is just for me, no comments please.

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