What do I want?

trigger warning: talking about intimacy very briefly at the end.

This is just for me, please don’t comment, thank you.—

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I’ve been thinking about what I really want lately. If I’m being totally honest with myself, I’ve been living in the past. I was never broken up with, but there’s been months of silence at this point. I have no idea what happened but I assume that my partner has his reasons for not talking. I’m not excusing this because it’s cruel, but I’m sure it’s not about me at all. I could talk about that all day.

What I’ve been avoiding is...I’ve put my love life on hold for this person. I’ve happily done that. Because he’s worth the wait.

But...I went to a Halloween party a few nights ago. I met a guy who looked like my partner. It made me feel good to talk to him. Because...I miss my partner. So much that apparently I’m actually attracted to any guy with certain features if they’re close enough. It’s strange. I was never attracted to guys before this. But here we are.

This guy, I did a tarot reading for him at the party. I am “out of his league,” one might say. But...it felt good to have someone notice me. To give me attention. He didn’t really flirt with me at the party at all. We just talked about the tarot reading. I had this sense though.

After the party, he messaged me on social media. I could tell where this was going, so I told him after a couple back and forth convos that my heart isn’t available. Yes there is a connection but he looks like my partner, reminds me of him, jokes and talks like him. He understood and still said I can keep my little crush though right? And I said of course. It slightly escalated. He said a couple of things that I wish my partner would say again. I didn’t encourage or really engage. But I let myself feel again.

It felt nice to be wanted.

Maybe that’s what my partner felt, with this temporarily girl if there is one. I can see how tempting it is. But the truth is I barely know this guy. I honestly think his intention was just to get me. But it still felt nice.

It reminded me that I really can be with a lot of people. I’m really pretty, smart, and intuitive. It gave me confidence.

I told this guy that I’m not available and he understood. I can’t tell you how hard it was to stop talking to him. Because it was just like talking to my partner.

It amplified everything I felt.

Putting my love life on hold is my choice. It’s not holding me back. But I do need to let go of this attraction to other guys who look like him. It’s not fair to torture myself. My heart is spoken for.

I am extremely, extremely selective of who I share my body with.

I was ignoring my feelings of passion for him.

Im lucky no one got hurt.

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This is just for me, please don’t comment, thank you.—

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