What to do
So when me and hubby first got married we would have arguments because he would think he is right about everything and i had my own opinions. I did have anger issues and would get really mad. For years he wouldn't really text me or call anymore at work. Found out it's because he dont like talking to me so i don't get mad. I decided to try not to argue with him anymore BUT when we hit a touchy subject i tell him to drop it so we don't argue but he tries to prove he is right.... which leads to arguments. Now i don't know what to do.
@Didinmommy
You're both individuals even though you're married. You are both perfectly entitled to your own opinions, belief systems and values. So it is quite alright to disagree on issues without anyone being wrong. Different opinions does not always mean that only one is right. There are so many ways of doing things, living life and managing situations. It's always worth listening to another point of view to see if maybe there is a better or easier way to get things done. By avoiding important discussions you're both losing out on the teamwork part of a marriage where you get to brainstorm and come up with better solutions. If the argument or tone of discussion is the issue, is it perhaps possible for both parties to manage that aspect rather than throw out important topics altogether? By not allowing discussion or differences of opinion to be expressed freely, you would not even know each other's thought process deeply enough to connect in a meaningful way.
@0m
So how do you think i should approach him for us to come up with a way to talk to each other in the future? I have a feeling he is going to blame me for my anger and not want to come up with a solution. Do you think it's too late? Btw we have only been married 4 years
@Didinmommy
It is never too late. All it takes is one single moment where you both realize and accept that you want to work together. That knowing each other's thoughts is worth taking the risk of disagreement. That no matter how many times you disagree or don't like the other person's opinion, you still love and respect them.
The foundation of creating this sort of feeling lies in respect and trust.
1. Respectful behaviour no matter what the emotions. It's alright to be angry but not okay to hurt someone intentionally. Alright to battle out points but not fight the person. Separate the issues from the person. You can be angry at the thought, the word, the action, why the person? The person is someone you're wanting to build a lifetime of happiness with! So the sooner you both can learn to keep a strong hold on mutual respect even through storms of disagreement, the quicker you will find common ground. If the discussion feels like it's becoming an argument, stop. Pause. Hug. Start again to see if you can remember that you're both wanting the same thing - a better life together - then resume the discussion.
2. Trust that past hurts or mistakes are forgiven and forgotten. It's not helpful to a couple to hold grudges and use small incidents to try and even the score.
Since this is new for you both to try and communicate without trying to "win" or "be right", maybe try one exercise. Keep a timer with you. 30 mins give him to say anything he wants to you about any topic. Just listen and do not respond at that moment. You can make notes on a paper if you wish so that you can respond when it is your turn. After his 30 mins are done, set the timer again and both keep silence for next 30 mins. Then you get your 30 mins to speak without interruption, he listens and takes notes if he wants. This is followed by another 30 mins of silence on both parts to reflect on what has been shared on both sides. After that silence, you both would know where to start the process of healing from all the 4 years of hurt and anger.
I am in a 7 year marriage and I have similar feelings as OP. I am trying really hard to let it go and agree with my husband on things if it makes him feel better. But when ever I ask him about personal feelings, all he says is ‘fine and doesnt want to engage in a conversation. This had been happening for years. I would like to be connected to him at a deeper emotional level, but Im not sure how to and if he wants to. He works and travels a lot for work so were often in different parts of the world. Sometimes our fights dont get resolved. However after every discussion he wants me to say ‘hes right and agree with his point of view without consideration for mine. Its a bit frustrating to be honest...
@Surrealorreal
Idk why guys feel the importance to belittle us to feel better about themselves. That's one reason they force their wives to take their last names. We lose our identity and have to 'submit' to them. Old age thinking. Im so angry
@Surrealorreal
The most important step here would be to find out whether he wants to connect with you at that deeper emotional level. It needs both partners to actively engage and be involved in allowing that attachment and bond to be formed.
I can see why it can be frustrating to artificially agree on every discussion point. Can you provide a little more detail about a few points?
1. What happened years ago that you decided to let go and agree with him on everything to make him feel better?
2. What happens when fights don't get resolved? Do you both just pretend nothing happened?
3. If you do not end the discussion with agreeing to his point of view, what happens?
@0m
you bring up a really good point. I dont know if he wants to engage or build a deeper emotional connection. How do you ask someone if they want to?
he doesnt think I agree with him enough unfortunately. Many times we will just not talk about what is frustrating for both of us. And sadly sometimes I lose it, because if I say something, and he responds, and I dont agree, his response is ‘its better I dont say anything or ‘see this is why I cant say anything (because I get angry and frustrated). Im trying hard not to, but I get caught up in the moment and in the emotions of it.
for example, we were starting to plan our year end holiday. I simply said, we should take 3 weeks off. And he said he cannot, and I got upset because wed not taken any vacation this year. Yes I know its petty, but his response was, ‘ok better not to say anything and that was the end of the conversation. And for half a day we didnt really talk to each other / were super formal / tip rowing around each other. Today is fine, but I know everytime we try to do something together that requires a discussion, we will have a fight and shut down again...
@Surrealorreal
You bring up so many important points that I will respond as best as I can to each one within your original post.
you bring up a really good point. I dont know if he wants to engage or build a deeper emotional connection. How do you ask someone if they want to? (You simply ask them whether they'd like a deeper connection with you, and how they feel that might be achieved if they answer yes. If they need clarification about what you mean, be prepared to explain your perspective)
he doesnt think I agree with him enough unfortunately. (It's sensible to remember there are many correct ways of doing things even if they are not your way. If your NO in a day outweighs the YES, there's something wrong in the way of assigning priorities regarding issues versus people important to you. Issues are important yes, people are also important! Think about the percentage where you agree, respect, compliment or support him as opposed to disagree or condemn him and you'll know whether he is right about this) Many times we will just not talk about what is frustrating for both of us. And sadly sometimes I lose it, because if I say something, and he responds, and I dont agree, his response is ‘its better I dont say anything or ‘see this is why I cant say anything (because I get angry and frustrated). Im trying hard not to, but I get caught up in the moment and in the emotions of it. (Well done on identifying the cause of communication gaps. Allowing emotions to overtake a rational discussion means it becomes personal instead of finding practical solutions)
for example, we were starting to plan our year end holiday. I simply said, we should take 3 weeks off. And he said he cannot, and I got upset because wed not taken any vacation this year.(Bullying him into a vacation isn't even going to be fun! Why not ask him what's reasonable or if he can manage something else? Give him a chance to provide an alternative solution when he has raised a problem with your plan? ) Yes I know its petty, but his response was, ‘ok better not to say anything and that was the end of the conversation. And for half a day we didnt really talk to each other / were super formal / tip rowing around each other. Today is fine, but I know everytime we try to do something together that requires a discussion, we will have a fight and shut down again... (Fights are not always a bad thing, they show that you both care about stuff. However when the fight becomes about people instead of issues, that is personal and hurtful. If it crosses the line where someone feels unsafe to even express themselves that is a huge loss to the relationship)
@0m
Wow this is so helpful. Sometimes i wish i had a Male friend to talk to and share my feelings and get his opinions but i get scared that it will lead to cheating. But sometimes i wonder if my husband is tired of me and has a female friend he confides in. These thoughts scare me, especially since we didn't date that long before getting married and dont have a strong foundation
@Didinmommy
Glad to know you found it helpful!
Your instinct is absolutely right. When we share our deepest thoughts and feelings, it forms emotional connections and we become attached to the person who brings us comfort and allows us to be ourselves without harsh judgement. Thing is for an external person who doesn't have to live with the consequences of opinions it's really easy to agree with you to provide the bubble of comfort. Within a healthy relationship, it's alright to have male friends that you share with, but the sharing must never breach the trust of the marriage. In an unfulfilled relationship it can be disastrous to seek that connection outside especially when you have said you want to make things work with your husband.
People who have had long dating periods before marriage can also struggle to set boundaries or maintain the deeper emotional connection over the years. It's about regular communication, kindness and a genuine interest in knowing your partner better. We all change in little ways everyday based upon our experience and new knowledge/information gained. Keeping connected is a lifetime process.
Take little steps towards first understanding the depth of distance, hurt, anger, emotional baggage,unresolved issues for both sides and talk until you both understand and accept that this is not how you want to spend the next 50 years ... then talk about what can be done to make things right.
@0m
Sorry for such a late response, i had a crazy busy week. What u said makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much!
This week i tried to avoid any touchy subjects n i started reading a book. Both helped!
@0m
This is such great info. you are passing along in my opinion! I for one am truly enjoying reading your words! It's good for me as a listener, to read these things from another listener, it reinforces my thought pattern, good reminders for me, etc. The only thing I would ad is the length of time. I have to wonder if 30 minutes would be way too difficult for people to handle when they are just beginning to start to have productive conversations. I've always liked the salt shaker trick. It's an easy device to find in the home. Whomever is holding the salt shaker is the one that is allowed to speak, uninteruppted. When one thought has been completed, the salt shaker is then passed to the other party, and then they are allowed to speak uninterrupted. This is done in hopes that only one issue is addressed at a time. I think there is value in setting a kitchen timer in the event you are dealing with an overly verbose person. I think a five minute limit with a kitchen timer would be good, then the salt shaker is passed no matter what. I think it's good for everyone to know, prior to going into the discussion is a point that, the purpose of the discussion and time spent, is not to sit and think of a response to what the person is saying, but truly listen to what the person is saying.
@PhoenixArisen
Thank you for your kind words and I absolutely love the salt shaker trick! Fantastic idea :)
@0m
Thank you! I'm glad you like it!
@PhoenixArisen
A bit more detail on explaining the 30 min timer because your points are completely valid, but I thought you might be interested in knowing why I recommend such a prolonged gap of time for a couple learning to communicate and understand each other.
1. With that investment of time, it required both parties to commit to being present for that length of time and playing by the rules agreed. It ensures that both partners are ready to make things work despite having issues or resentment.
2. When you have shorter response times, people often go into the response mode because what you heard fresh a couple of minutes ago remains in the psyche. When you have 30 mins to talk alone and someone patiently listening, caring, making notes, you tend to go over anything and everything that is in your mind recapping all the issues, pain, anger, blames, hopes, disappointment, etc. Each partner can completely drain out all the pent up negatives as well as hopes for the future.
3. The 30 min gap before response will allow the second partner to reconsider some defensive notes at least after a few days of the exercise. Not everything needs response, sometimes it's important to just understand the other person's perspective even if we don't agree.
4. Forced gaps of long silence gradually help them learn the skill of reflection on what their partner has shared, even if it means going over the notes taken in search for suitable response. Of trying to understand the other perspective without needing to immediately defend, blame or justify.
5. Since OP is initiating the desire to connect deeply, she goes second. She is less likely to use that precious time finger pointing than her partner if the sequence were reversed.
Hope that sheds some light on my thoughts about it :) So glad you enjoyed reading my posts.
@0m
Thank you so much! This is great! I think it's wonderful that you are helping members in the forums too and if listeners choose to read your responses, well, you are definitely helping the listener as well. You're helping the listener to move forward, hone their craft and giving us needed information to help other members down the line. Got to love the ripple affect. In essence, you are helping many, many members through your post!
Many gulps and uh-huhs as I read this thread, we are 32 years together and never effectively learned to communicate. I hope to implement some of the ideas presented here. Have a great day.