When do you know you are done

So, a little back story.. we met 2 years ago next month, my life was amazing with him, he treated my daughter like his own, when we first met I said I was going to marry him…

well we have a year old son next week and engaged, we rarely argued, we get on so well that sometimes I believe he can read my mind. I love this guy so much, now for the ugly.

5 months ago, he emotionally cheated on me, after months of telling him this certain person was trying her luck and I could see through it, he ignored me. We had a really big argument, it lasted for 4 days, he told me things “felt different” well he left his phone on the side, I saw he’d redownloaded Snapchat which he knew I hated. Basically it came to light after another 6 hour argument that he was talking to this woman behind my back (not anything sexual apparently) but he did it at work, it absolutely broke my heart, it broke my trust, I’m paranoid, I feel all levels of crazy, I catch him looking at women when we’re in the car and it makes me self conscious. We spoke about it a few days ago and for that we’re slowly getting to a better place.

tonight, we’ve had another argument. Am I crazy? He plays golf, he works in golf and he plays pool some weeks with his mates which is a 45 min drive each way. He plays golf after work every Wednesday, I used to have a problem with it, but now I’ve accepted it. The only thing is, he doesn’t help me with the kids. He leaves on a Wednesday at half 6, he doesn’t get home until 930/10, I clean the house, do the washing bath and feed the kids, I don’t have a social life. I don’t go out. Every friend of mine he hates, I’ve said to him 4 times in the last 2 months if he’d be able to look after the kids, it’s never happened. I don’t drive and we live ages away from anyone. He got us into £1500 worth of debt just on our rent, he has all the money in his account he says I can use it too but I don’t feel like it’s my place to use it, plus bills come before going out, right? We rarely go out together, which bothers me, I said that to him tonight and it got twisted “if you want to go out, you arrange something, it’s not always down to me” I don’t know what money we have, I don’t know if he’s tired and doesn’t want to do anything… he has two days off a week (he does all the rotas, so he can pick and choose) on those days he’s glued to his phone talking/doing work things. He keeps telling me I’m controlling him, I don’t let him do things, he doesn’t want to tell me he’s going out because “I’ll be in a grump” when he gets home, he sits on the sofa and does nothing. I put both kids to bed even if he is here, I’m still up at 2 o’clock because our son keeps moving & I don’t want to fall asleep and not hear him because I know he won’t get up and sort anything. I honestly feel like a single parent. I feel like I’m being mugged off. I don’t mind him going out, but once in a while it’d be nice to hear a “wanna come babe” “wanna do something together” “let me put the kids to bed” even a “go have a bath by yourself” I don’t want to hear that I’m controlling, I like spending time with him, he doesn’t play with the kids, he just sits on the sofa and only plays with our son if I sit on the floor and start playing with him. I am at home every single day, with no one, I feel so lonely all the time, he’s started treating my little girl differently, I watch as he’s playing with our son and she’s asking to play too or asks for a cuddle, he says no to her and I see her little face drop & it honestly makes my heart bleed for her because she doesn’t deserve it, she’s such a sweet girl and cares about everyone, even strangers. He constantly shouts at her, he tells her off for the slightest things like not finishing her dinner, when he’s not here she’ll refuse to eat because she doesn’t want to get fat, she’s 5! He has to be up for work at 6, he shouted at me and told me to get some respect and that he can’t sit on his arse all day doing nothing and staying in bed (implying that I do, even though the house is spotless and the kids are asleep when he gets home) he continued to watch tv for another hour.

so tonight I gave him a ‘solution’… tell me what time you are coming home and go out as much as you want, as soon as I feel like I’m being treated like a mug… I’m gone.

his response..

”cool. I’ll think about it because I’m not going to be treated like a mug either”

when he goes out after getting back from work, he doesn’t help with dinner, he eats his own and then he goes- there isn’t a set time to be there- the kids have already had their plates for a good 5 minutes- youngest still needs feeding and I haven’t even managed to take a bite of mine yet.

I really feel like a single parent. His work colleague who also has a son said he was shocked at how much I do and how little he has to do when he gets home, am I doing to much? I was a single parent for 3 and a half years, I manage on my own because I have routines and I go by the kids needs. He tells me I’m doing to much so I stop and then I get moaned at that he doesn’t have any work shorts… I try and talk to him about it but he ends up either talking over me so I can’t get out what I want too or he starts shouting at me. It hurts when he says that all the people he plays golf with- they all have kids and partners and their partners don’t moan that the men go out. Am I wrong for wanting to spend quality time together, with his kids, for cleaning the house the way I like it done, for doing everything for our kids, for the house, I home school my girl so I don’t have a break at all.

im ready to walk.

I don’t feel appreciated

I don’t feel like I’m getting the same back from our relationship

i feel undervalued

do I pack our bags and leave?

i love him so much, but there’s only so much one person can take right? When we don’t argue, we’re perfect. I don’t want to be without him, but I know I deserve a little more then what im getting.

sorry it’s so long, I needed to get it out 😂