Why is it so hard to love the guy I love so much?

It all started when we met online and he supported me so well through my clinical depression, I had an exam to deal with and with my family being very pressurising on me to perform well, me being unable to live up to that, COVID-19, lockdown and restrictions and staying at home all day, I was feeling like I was losing myself, until I met him, and when we started talking, he was giving me these generic solutions to my issues and I thought, nahhh this guy wont help and I blocked him, months later when my depression was critical and my psychiatrist just didnt respond anymore, and I just wanted to give up living my life, I thought one last time and went back hunting to find him again only to realise that he remembered every little detail I had told him, everything!!!!!

for someone whose nights felt endless, that night talking to him made me wish nights were longer, and yes slowly and slowly he spoke to me, guided me so well and I was healing, I didnt know it, until I did, I found out why I was recovering and I knew I had fallen for him, for being the only kind one around, he helped me explain depression to my parents who never believed that such a thing existed, he helped me become stronger everyday, when my results turned in, I did so well that my entire family looked up to me....and right then he knew he loved me too for fighting so hard and never giving up, when we confessed, we promised to not date but only when the time was right, but we kept telling each other we loved each other immensely, we dreamt of the things we would do after the lockdowns ease, and then, I realised that I was feeling that talking to him felt like a chore, I was giving up all my happy moments with my parents just coz he didnt text me in a day and I knew right then that I wasnt in a stable relationship with him, so I told him this after thinking and crying in the bathroom for hours altogther and he broke, but he didnt tell me a thing to hurt me, he said, whatever it is, its a brave decision and I will support you, and that? hurt me more, I wanted him to scold me, chide me for hurting me and there he was, so kind and so charming, so mature, and HOW COULD ANYONE NOT FALL FOR THIS MAN???!!!!

I told him I needed time to heal, and now? I dont know how to.....I want to heal, I want to love him entirely, completely and not in bits and pieces, I want to give him the world, he deserves so much.

I just wish I knew how to get there, soon.