closing one door to open another!

No matter how hard I try I can't kick the habit of hoping things change. It's easier to go back then it is to move ahead. I have ptsd now and as soon as I'm stronger I call him and he comes running. It's been 8 yrs of no true commitment ontop of some very bad abuse. I'm thanking god the commitment part hasn't ever happened. I can keep him at bay disappear for a month and still I'm weak. It's up to me to break the cycle to find a new life. Starting over is hard especially when I lost all my friends. I cannot live a lie that kills me more then the abuse it's self. I don't understand what keeps me holding on. Could use every excuse in the book. But it comes down to one simple answer it's fear of being happy. I fear if I'm happy things will go bad so why be happy at all. Very wrong illusion I have about life. Truth is we don't know what tomorrow brings. But we can plan for better make it better and keep doing that till it's ingrained in us that way when something does go wrong it's not so chatastrophic. The good out weighs the bad!!!!