first heartbreak is never easy

its been 7 months and i still havent gone a day without thinking about you im still not over you. not really. i dont think i ever will be because i dont think people forget their first love and first heartbreak - i cant imagine this pain ever going away. and the saddest part is that i still kind of like you, your smile and your hair and the way you paint except im not allowed to like those things anymore but i cant help it i still do. its so hard that you still exist in my life i still have to see you around every day except we dont talk i dont get to be your friend anymore because youd never say it but you just dont want me in your life anymore, so im not. i gave everything to you and you didnt want it, the first time i was authentically myself with someone they turned me away. i dont want you in my life anymore it hurts so much seeing you happy and laughing each day without me. but at the same time, i dont want you to leave i cant face the idea of us parting on these terms bc if we leave now i wont see you again and youre lost forever. i dont really know what i want i think i just keep hanging onto the possibility that you can be a proper part of my life again but if you wanted that, youd try. and you havent tried.

all my love even after all this time x