i miss my old me

2 years ago i am 18 and i make my own future dreaming love story....i get married and i hv one year old son....i jsut want to turn the time back that all....its already 2 years i am suffered with my ownself.....i taught he will be my best friend forever because i hv only him left.....i throw my own family back but its doest matter to him anyway....he can have his own time for him self he can go everywhere he can besause his job to find the cash....and i am the bad person who stay at home all day everyday....whe he came home i taught i could share my day but its seem like he doest even care.. .cause he will angry if he loose him game .....i really want to go to the specialist to talk about my mental health its seem scary now....before this i am happy to remember how happy i am how free i am every day i will in my own mind even i talk to myself sometime i am angry happy to talk to myself. but when i realize to the reality i feel scared because i am alone by myself that why i try to find few app about mental health...btw its not that i dont want to go to the specialist but i just cant go out from the for myself....only to buy bread or egg thats all then i will at home alone with my son....while watch him laugh play game with his friend.... i dont know why i am scared to speak up for myself.....that is the main reason why i am really need help.....because i hv been mentally abuse with fucking love dreaming happy live