rant

I seem to have a new issue every day, I know. If you're sick of me, I just want to say thank you for letting me get this out here; I really have no other outlet.

I am so angry today. So, so angry. It's finally dawning on me how much pain I'm still in. I loved someone and he hurt me out of spite. I took a chance on a stranger who seemed "all in," and as soon as I finally started returning feelings, he reneged. I realize there's avoidance issues there, but what REALLY annoys me about all this is: he was so *calm* after the breakup. He went from a passive aggressive, spiteful, seething manchild to a guess-I'll-get-a-haircut-and-live-my-life adult. How? When? WHY THEN? It was so sudden. And I, meanwhile, was in tatters, because I was an adult who loved someone and got thrown aside unceremoniously at the first indication that I MIGHT ask him to make an adjustment in his life for me (kids). The emotional whiplash was devastating. And he turned it into a money thing in the most sexist way: "oh, you want someone who makes more money than I do." I make 3x his salary, yes, we know this; but the REASON I do is that capitalism is degrading and I am someone who knows what it's like to be degraded. He never leveled with me. He always said "you think X basic thing" and it was like no, I'm just an idiot who loves you and it hurts that you're making me feel I need to apologize for supporting myself / hoping you'll do one small thing to accommodate me, or at least, entertain the notion beyond

a joke, also you're 35, why are you like this at 35

I walked around the block and cried so much today; this is bs