rlly confused???

There's kinda a lot to this but I'm genuinely lost and it's ruining the little amount of motivation I still

have....•

So there's this person i was super close to (we'll call him damien) like super super close to,, we'd literally spend from the time we got out of school till past midnight talking almodt everyday. we pulled all-nighters nd all that to talk to each other and did that for about a year

long story short he had a breakdown and kinda ghosted me for a year and like a little over a half, we talked for a few hours and then 4 months of silence again

i took the initiative after over 2 years of trying to give him space and started a convo. we talked A LOT in the first three days. then it slowly died down again to the point where we went 3 weeks without even a hi, now to he left me on opened 4 weeks ago... but randomly joins me on an online game when "he's bored"?

i don't think i've really ever romantically loved him. maybe a crush when i was a lot younger.. but grew out of it very fast. (for ref. i'm not as much into men as i thought i was as a kid, so not a big chance I am now either) However, i do love him... platonically, at least... so not being able to tlak to him like this has hurt me so so much. he was the only good in my life when my dad was mistreating me because of my identity, when i didnt have friends, when i was adjusting to online school, when i had no self-love-- he was ALWAYS there no matter what.

he always made me so incredibly happy and i never wanted to lose him. i genuinely thought i never would. i still have 2 ways of contact but am too embarrassed/scared to talk to him bc it seems like he definitely doesnt want anything to do w/ me.

..•

ive tried to explain all of this to him before months back.. how i felt and how much i genuinely cared for him and he just saved the chat and didnt respond.

im fs too embarrassed to talk about any of this now that i made a fool of myself trying desperately to get him back..

i kind of forgot about him when i remet a childhood friend. we were friends when we both were 7+8 (and we'll call them SK)

SK and I remet at a pastors kids retreat which i thought would be incredibly boring as I'm in no way religious, but they made it so so enjoyable... we barely talked at all on the ride until we saw an " <3 MILFS" shirt and immediately bonded over it as a joke. the second we got assigned our rooms we were in theres and talked to eachother the entire time.. we even skipped meals just so we could spend more time talking. when we HAD to leave the room, they were right at my hip the entire time. never left me once

i had a horrible breakdown over a lot of stuff that was going on, some of which including damien and how torn up i was about it. I'll never forget how i flet when we were on the thirf story of our rooms and they just held me for what felt like an hour telling me everything would be alright... and two months after this i definitely started developing feelings for them. these kinds of feelings were so different from what i experienced w/ damien when i was a kid. they felt so new and so refreshing in the best ways... we never got together or even close to saying anything about how we felt in any way.

but they called me sweetheart, babe, baby, love and all that

was so so caring when i told them anything relatively upsetting. calls me gorgeous/beautiful/ pretty all the timr and sent me an entire paragraph of ho their favorite things in life reminds them of me, sent me goodmorning texts almost everyday

i was absolutely captivated at that point.. a friend i had as a kid turned out to be this incredibly sweet and gorgeous person? they genuinely cared about me? i just felt like things were right for once

then came the guy they're into (calling him nol)

They met Nol at a church retreat a long awhike after ours and they talked once, he said he knew a song that was their fav and they like fell head over heels for him right then nd there

Nol is kinda too old for them as we're all still minors (three year age gap there) but SK is so certain they're fully in love w him. every now and then i grt paragraphs about how amazing he is, how cute he is, how their favorite color is the color of his eyes and god it's just so hard to bare

0.•

every time SK talked about him I forced myself to be as unbiased as possible and "fawned" over him as *** typical friends do (like being excited for them??) but it's becoming so so hard

i grew up w/ really emotionally gone parents and i'm neurological. both of which personally affected me in a TON of ways emotionally. i can't understand any of my emotions, comprehend why i feel them, or actually do anything with them unless it's anger wheih ive only successfully expressed in self-destructive ways

this has made romantic feelings near impossible for me to understand. i just know i feel something for

SK different than I'd feel for one of my best friends. i can see myself being w them and going on cute dumb dates stargazing/painting/going to art museums together where i couldnt fit anyone else i knew into that mold

i dont want them to know how i feel vet but i dont want them to feel anything for Nol and I feel so selfish because of it. i feel like such a horribke person brause i refuse to tell them my feelingd but dont what them to have their own, which they cant control in any way

the more they talk about nol the more i find myself missing damien. im so so lost because i know i still do like men, just not much at all. i feel like i hate him and want to cry about it all the time but i miss him more than ive missed anyone in a very long time. i want him to talk to me again

i want them both?? i have no clue what to do in either situation and it's making me lose so much sleep