Should i forget these friends?
A few months ago me and my friends got into an argument over a joke i had made, i hadn't known that they were struggling with when i said it and i explained saying i didn't know and they still got mad and i explained that they always make jokes about me and i tell them to stop and they knew those jokes bothered me because it started the make me want to change the way i look and they never stopped and i explained that that to them and i didn't know they were struggling with what they are and later that night i said i was sorry and i said i understood how it could be offensive but they were still mad they hadn't texted me or anything in a couple days so i assumed they didn't want to be friends and i needed some time apart so i unadded them on snapchat and Instagram, ill say girl #1 she had texted me saying she was sorry and that she missed me and i replied saying its ok im sorry too and i miss you too and she never replied and this was a few days after the argument. A few days ago i say i would rather be friends than not and if they want to talk about it we can and one of the girls, ill say girl #2, said she was tired of me victimizing myself and that i was becoming toxic and i had replied saying every relationship has their ups and downs (this was our first argument) and i asked how i was being toxic because i wanted to fix it and she said i would take pictures of her and call her ugly and i would say you need therapy you're too sad. I never and would never say you're ugly. You need therapy. You need help. The pictures i took were of us candid eating lunch in school or when we were in the middle of a sentence and i would say like "oof", "this is terrible" and she would laugh at them too, she never told me it bothered her. One time i said we need (i never said you) therapy and listen to music and she thought i was saying that because i thought she needed help i said it because i went through the same thing. I had to heal myself from depression because my mom denied i had it and i was joking because i don't think she needed something heavy and i wanted to help because we both like music so i wanted to help because that's what worked for me so obviously i don't want my friend to be sad and i explained all of this to them but they didn't respond to it. Girl #1 had said i threw away our friendship of 6 years because i unfollowed them and unadded them and i explained why and i said i thought you guys didn't want to be friends, and she had never texted me back when she texted me and i even came back saying i would rather be friends. I also felt like she was bragging about a 6 year friendship but i felt like if you were really my best friend for 6 years like you said you would know the joke didn't come across as it sounded (over text so you never know the tone) especially after i explained it and apologized. She has also said many offensive things in the past regarding my family and she knew that i had family who was a certain race she would make fun of and i never said anything because i knew she didn't mean it like that but i feel like it didn't go both ways. It just annoyed me because they acted like i need to be perfectly correct 100% of the time and they don't. Girl #1 did say she was sorry for anything she did to me however, girl #2 wouldn't even acknowledge my side or say sorry for the stuff she did. They were also saying i was making everything unhealthy and toxic but I was the one apologizing, explaining my thought process, every joke, admitting the situation could have been handled better and i said if you had told me all those jokes bothered you i would have stopped saying them and i would have improved myself and they didn't respond to that. I feel like the situation was way overblown, i felt like they got mad over something i didn't know and i explained that and apologized but they knew their jokes bothered me. It was also frustrating how girl #2 wouldn't even admit she did anything wrong. Girl #2 also said to me "i hope you figure it out", this really annoyed me because if i was the one to say that they would have freaked out and reacted way different than me. I also feel like if the roles were reversed they would do the same thing im doing now. My friend told me girl #1 was telling people what happened which i feel like is very unfair it should just be between us there is no need to gossip. My friend said that people asked but she could have just said there was an argument and were not friends she didn't have to say all the details. I just don't really know what to think of the situation everyone I have talked to said they acted immature and toxic towards me and i did everything right but im not sure. Thank you.
@el1054 this became extremely long because I have a lot of advice based on similar situations I was in, so sorry for the long read!
this sounds very similar to situations I faced in high school with my then friends. every little argument became a huge ordeal and there was a fight in our little group of 4 every two weeks or so. so I understand what it's like to be in a situation that's blown way past the original problem to ridiculous and out of control proportions.
I can't comment specifically on the situation as I know there's probably details and interactions between you and your friends that go back and change the context of certain things. it does sound like at least one of your friends seems to have been harboring quite a bit of resentment that hadn't been acknowledged, which is another factor in deciding if it's better for you to maintain a friendship or not. bringing up old issues that she didn't communicate as a problem at the time can be indicative of a lot of things, either that she is digging for additional reasons to be mad at you or she was uncomfortable with sharing her feelings at the time. if you can tell which of these situations is true, it might help sort things out.
from how it sounds, I don't think any of you are explicitly in the wrong or being toxic necessarily. there are a few things your friends have done that definitely sound untoward and wrong, but it just sounds like a lack of communication all blew up at once. it sucks when jokes go sour, whether you're the person telling them or the person on the receiving end. as for the whole unfriending/unadding thing, it sounds like you're a school age still, and in the current adolescent climate that stuff, while it really means nothing in the grand scheme of things, seems to be a big deal to teenagers right now, so I'm assuming that set your friends off. that doesn't make it a toxic or mean action.
I can't tell you whether or not to cut off your friends. you know the situation best and will have to make that decision. I will tell you that having friends who clearly harbor resentment and anger towards each other without communicating it is not an ideal situation, and if this fight isn't resolved completely it'll only lead to more of that and come with additional "don't you remember when this happened" during arguments in the future. if you believe you've communicated your point of view and apologized for upsetting your friend who was struggling, the best you can do is limit the back and forth and say that you feel as if you're being treated unfairly considering the original situation. try not to communicate angry and tell your friends your concerns, especially that you weren't trying to hurt them and that you feel like you're being treated differently. if you need to, you can take a break from the situation completely. it's summer during a pandemic--I'm assuming you're not seeing these girls directly face to face.
if you decide to remain friends, you guys should talk about what everyone is and isnt okay with joke-wise! I got into a fight my sophomore year of high school because one of my friends was taking pictures of me and posting them and it was really messing with my self esteem and body dysmorphia. I didn't communicate this, though, until it blew up, and it was a bad situation overall, when I could have just asked her to stop taking pictures of me. if this whole thing is over jokes and accidentally hurting feelings, then a conversation about what to do when one of you crosses rhe line or what things everyone wants others to stop doing will be helpful in resolving it.
if you decide to stop being friends, that's fine too. i was never the best at making friends and spent my last 2 years of high school pretty alone (not just because of the fighting with my friends though, but that's neither here nor there. just didn't want to scare you into thinking one fight would leave you the same way I was lol), but people are usually a lot friendlier and kinder than you'd think. I can't offer specific advice for making new friends, because I'm not good and that type of thing at all, but stopping talking to or at least taking a break from old friends is not as big of a deal as it seems.
you also sounded quite upset in the way you typed this, so I also wanted to remind you that it's okay to take a step back! I'm not trying to sound condescending, but remember that it is just high school (I'm assuming?) drama. think of where you'll be in a year, 2 years, 10 years. you probably won't even remember this fight! it's possible youll stop talking to these girls when you stop having to see them everyday for school. I have no plans on seeing or talking to anyone from my years in high school, and I haven't run into anyone since I graduated a few months ago. I don't even remember what half of those seemingly world-shattering fights were about, and it's only been 2 or 3 years since then). it's important to take a step back and realize that it's not the end of the world (again, not trying to be condescending! this doesn't mean that the argument means nothing at all or that it's not important to you right now, I'm just trying to remind you that there's a lot more in the world than friendship drama!)
in the end, the choice of whether or not to stay friends is up to you! if you decide you want to work on it and preserve your previous years of friendship, make sure everyone's on the same page! you said you apologized, which is the best you can do. this doesn't sound like a pattern of behavior, so I wouldn't worry about being "toxic" or anything. bad people don't worry about being better, and you seem to have apologized for unknowingly upsetting your friend. if you feel like you cant continue being friends, then try to find other people based on things you enjoy or try to talk more with people who are just aquaintances! you dont have to put up with situations where you feel helpless or like you're being treated unfairly out of fear of being friendless (trust me, sitting by yourself once in awhile really isn't that big of a deal). it's not worth that. you know your situation best! communicate your viewpoint and tell them this has made you question whether or not to remain friends, then make your decision based on that. it's not your fault this situation blew up for no reason. all you can ever do is explain how you feel. if you've already done that, you just have to either take a step back, walk away, or start figuring out how to resolve this, whether that be a conversation about boundaries or asking for an apology from another friend of yours. I hope this helped, and whatever you choose to do, remember it'll be fine! ♡
I also forgot to mention the part where you said your friends were upsetting you with jokes that you had told them bothered you! that definitely changes the situation and is clearly wrong and hypocritical, unlike I said in my first comment (sorry about that, I somehow forgot that part of your post while typing). that sucks, and if they refuse to apologize to you for that, you should absolutely take that into account as to how best to handie everything. again, I wish you luck with the whole situation!
@itsrory thank you! i feel a lot better about the situation and i think i know the best decision for me