I think about my religion a lot

I think about my religion about as much as I think about how lonely I am.  I remember when things felt more simple.  I believed in Jesus, and I tried to focus on friends.  Little did I know that those friendships weren't anything very strong, and that were going to dissolve away, and eventually I would be lonely forever.  I still pray to Jesus, and sometimes I still ask him for friends, and a wife.  But I don't think it is in His will for me.  Jesus keeps us Christians out of ***, but it is easy for me to believe that I will still go there.  Because as I feel my life declining, it makes me wonder if I'm really saved or is it just an illusion.  Jesus once ask his 12 disciples if they were going to leave him, like everyone else did.  Peter answered, and said to whom shall we go?  That is how I feel about my Christianity.  If I were to abandon it, then I really would have nothing to hold onto.  I can't hold onto myself, cause I fail myself.  I can't count on others to help me, cause they fail too.  All I got is God.