I Push Everyone Away
This even happens with Listeners most often if they're male. I went through a lot of verbal bullying when I was younger and most of the people who did it were guys. By the way, I'm female. I currently suffer from social anxiety, abandonment issues, trust issues, health anxiety, and depression.
I'm 30 now. At a certain point when the guy says he wants to be friends, something switches on in me. I get anxious, so incredibly anxious. It's like the words I'm typing aren't even me anymore. I had a male Listener I really felt I was able to trust; however, he ran into some difficulty. He is taking chats so I know he's still here just not talking to me. This guy not being around like he used to felt like rejection which made my anxiety unbearable. I felt like I had done something very, very wrong for just being who I am. Instant messaging bothers me to this day because of something that happened in February 2015 which causes me to freeze at points when I'm talking waiting for the shoe to drop in a way. I basically cause the demise of pretty good friendships because of my actions.
The saddest part is that I know I'm hurting from what I've been doing. Before it never used to matter. As well, I get this feeling that the other people are hurting, too. There's nothing I can do to patch things up with the other person or all of the other people I've hurt except to say sorry and move on. If there are any Listeners out there who have experience with severe trauma and are willing to be patient, I can try to get myself calm again and perhaps stop some of the hurt.
Thanks in advance.
You are not alone, I also have the same problem but unfortunately my "bully" was my verbally abusive father. Hearing words from him like "you're worthless" and death threats from him at a young age I feel like I cannot trust anyone and have a hard time opening up to anyone. I have a hard time talking to women and it is also like a switch with me where I just become really anxious. You are not alone...
Just remember that you are never alone, there is always someone out there who cares!
I find it most scary especially after I blocked the Listener I mentioned. I'm starting all over again in a different place but still no less anxious. People say I should have the hardest time talking to women. No problems at all.
Really sorry to hear your experiences :/
Sorry to hear about you experience, have you found yourself a listener yet?
@Truth0615. I'm looking for as many sources as I can find until i can find someone I'm comfortable with. Every little bit helps. Am really fighting anxiousness at the moment so it's tough to stay in contact.
I'm so sorry to hear about that. Please feel free to message me if you'd like to talk.
Bullied is not the word when it leads to severe anxiety and depression. Abuse is more like it. I had a father who had PTSD (he called it battle fatigue) and could not get treatment since the VA had no idea then what to do about it. So our family suffered his verbal lashes and extreme anger. And most, excepting me, were failures in life.
I am so much better now at handling it. Breathing is vital to the recovery. Therapy is next and if need be a good doctor unafraid of dispensing meds that will help and will listen to you. Getting a good therapist is a merry go round you must ride until you find the right one.
It's essential to know that no one is going to hurt you. If they do then call the cops. Period. Being free of that worry lets you explore people, enjoy them for their own imperfections. We all are not perfect. Try not to go too fast....I am here when I can.
Yeah. It's the you're not going to hurt me that still gets me. People don't stay around and often leave without saying why. It leaves me feeling like I have to do everything alone which is so true. :/
