A loser

hey so I just came back from my school summer league soccer game and I suck at soccer. I didn't play my worst but I'm just not good compared to everyone else. I am going to make my mom tell the travel soccer coach that I don't want to play. I just tried out and made it but now I don't want to play but I don't really think I ever wanted to play. My mom went behind my back and asked the coach without consulting me and I would've told her that I didn't want to play but then on tryout day I told her I didn't want to go but I ended up going anyways and now I joined the team but it didn't start yet and my mom didn't pay so I think I am going to get out of it. Sitting in the car ride home I start thinking and I have no confidence but I never did in anything I do. I have crazy high expectations for myself but won't do anything to achieve them and I hate myself everything about myself I feel alone and I feel like I am no ones first choice I am just a backup for someone everyone else likes better. I feel like I am alone in this world and no one really understands me. My mom is a *** she is so mean all she does in insult me when I say I suck and she trys to tell me I don't suck but she is making faces when I get in the car and I know that she thinks I sucked so her not saying doesn't mean I can't tell. I'm not an idiot. I just yk don't love myself and feel like a complete screw up that no one likes. I'm just someone who wants to please other people but no one ever trys to please me so they probably don't like me and I've felt this way since 8th grade and here I am the loser who is a 3 sport varsity athlete who got enough money and who should be completely happy and have 0 complaints. I feel like someone who has all I have should be happy, but I'm not.