I need someone who can understand me
I don't know if this counts as anxiety, but first l'd like to introduce myself. My name is Sophia, and I am someone who's deeply insecure and is obsessed over my looks. I struggle with a lot of stuff about myself My looks determine my mood for the rest of the day. I was homeschooled for a year because I struggled with depression, and that helped get rid of my obsessive thoughts. Going back to school is my main issue for now. My dad wants me to come back to face-to-face classes because he thinks I should enjoy school and my classmates. He's also worried about my social isolation. Honestly, I don't mind being alone as long as my mind doesn't get trapped in obsessive thoughts.
When I was in school, my classmates usually notice that I always go to the bathroom per class. I honestly don't count it as a problem before and I didn't think thay behavior was unusual. I never use the toilet when I'm inside there, but mostly just looking at myself and fixing the flaws in my appearance, as well as practicing facial expressions so I don't look "'mean" when people see me because I have this certain resting face, which people call a "resting b*tch face". I get so bothered when people say that I look mean.
That doesn't bother me a lot, compared to the flaws I see in myself. I mostly don't mind what other people think about me, but I'm mostly bothered of my own thoughts. If I don't fix a certain part of my face, my mind will become obsessed, then relieved once I fix it.
The parts that I'm most bothered about myself is symmetry. I am a person that is highly obsessed with the way I present myself. If both sides of my hair aren't symmetrical, or if my other eyelid is hooded and the other eye is bigger, if my smile is crooked. I have to look perfect before I go to school or otherwise, l'd want to absent and just do my schoolwork at home.
What also bothers me the most is my hair. My hair is the most awkward part of my body (for me). It just never falls nicely and sits awkwardly around my face.
Which bothers me A LOT. I always have to tie my hair in the same hairstyle for years which also kinda makes me feel insecure because I'm always the girl who always has her hair up, compared to the girls in my classroom who always has their hair down and they don't have to struggle styling it. I don't want to go back to school because being in school triggers those obsessive thoughts and I'm scared my dad will yell at me again for always not being in class, until I begged him to be homeschooled. But he only told me that he'll allow it, just for one school year. For the past few months until now, l've been thinking of ways to harm/ k!Il myself. We have a g*n at home and I always thought about shOOting a certain part of my body (not a vital organ) just to be hospitalized because l've missed the feeling of being cared for, or the same type of care my mom did to me when she was alive. I also thought about not drinking water so l'd be dehydrated and taken to the hospital. I miss the feeling when people actually sympathized for me, and not people to think that I'm just lazy because I don't wanna go back to school. The truth is, I love to learn new things! I just don't wanna be in school, surrounded my multiple people seeing and looking at me everyday. Another thing is that I'm about to be in Senior High School, and the uniform there is different.
I can't wear skin colored tights/stockings or long knee high socks to cover up my legs. I'm also deeply insecure about my legs from the scars I had, because remember, i skin pick a lot, which I'm aware of, is a bad habit. I don't do it when I'm just anxious, or bored, but I just do it because of temptation. The feeling of removing a scab feels relieving to me. I also picked some spots off my face. I knew that l'd regret it right after, but still I did it because my mind tempts me to do it and is obsessed with removing spots off my skin.
I need advice and I'm sorry if this is too long for you to read, I just wanna dump out everything I need to say. If you think "not minding" the flaws in my appearance would work, I tried that and it did not.
@deathspringgirl
You are important! I can relate a lot with the wish to feel cared about. It probably says something beautiful about you.
I will start with very practical discouragement from shooting any part of your body: It sounds that you could hate the mark and asymmetry it could create for the rest of your life…
Would you feel comfortable sharing what help are you getting to deal with your obsessive impulses?
I am not an expert but I know our mind can be very difficult to be convinced to ignore a threat. The imperfection in your appearance seems to be treated like such. I believe the that brain adapts when we repeat surviving certain experiences. What if you on purpose went out with asymmetric look to store or somewhere where nobody knows you? What if you made it terribly asymmetric by your standards? And kept doing it for few weeks once a day?
Your mind seems desperat to feel in control. What if you tested controlling not being in control? Like what if you have your hair down and asymmetric and out of control in public? You would likely normally think of how soon I can fix it… but what if at that moment you consciously choose to look at this as a test of your brain? What if you choose to tell it: “look brain, we can survive this, we don’t need to control the hair to be safe. Look at the people brain. They don’t care. Why don’t we use our energy for something more joyful than tracking every hair on my head?”?
I bet you would hate the feeling. Would you survive it? And I mean this question. I can’t tell if it could make you hurt yourself? Or you would be able to go, experience the discomfort and come back and relax?
Alternatively, could your standards be changed by rethinking of what do you choose as important in your looks. Today, it sounds like symmetry is very important. What if you were able to find something more important? Like looking natural and relaxed?
There is nothing wrong with trying to make yourself good, I hate the way I look too, especially my hair because I can't get them to look the way I want, they stay in one style and it looks bad.
The thing is, you are beautiful as is. And you need to mind the flaws in your appearance but here is the thing, are you doing it the right way? You see, if you want to make yourself look better, do it, but tell yourself does it change anything? If the answer is yes so there isn't a problem. If the answer is no then do it for yourself. Don't do it for others.
Tell yourself that I'm doing this for myself.
You matter, you are beautiful, if anyone says otherwise then rememeber, they are reflecting themselves. People are always jealous. If someone is jealous of the way you look, they will tell you a lot of bad things about your appearance and if someone likes the way you look, well then they will compliment you.
Both ways, you are amazing the way you are. There is nothing wrong with trying to make yourself look better.
