Insecurities

This is my first thread and I am unsure how this works, what I write and what to expect, I guess I am just venting and letting out my frustration and anxiety. 

I have grown up in a family of alcoholics. I am a big sister, 4 years older that my little brother and have been looking out for him during the weekends and on working days when my parents got drunk. I have some recollection from my childhood where I was about 5-9 years old, in these memories I am cleaning the table from all the bottles, cans and dishes that were spread around. I remember dragging my parents or helping them walk to bed, making sure they don´t lay on their backs to ensure they don´t choke on vomit. I vaguely remember hurtful things they´ve said to me during the years, but most of it is a blur. I moved out from home after high-school but at least once a year I still tend to have a story for my close friends to tell about things my mother has done: my father has stopped drinking after he and my mother divorced, while my mother still drinks to this day. My friends are the only reason I know I am not imagining things or making it up, because with each story they tell me how it is worse than the previous one. My mother is the root of my insecurities. She has called me every bad name in the dictionary, she has compared me to others, to my brother, and most recently...

I booked a trip for me and her to Italy (because she has dreamed of going) and I always had faith that there is a way to salvage our relationship - I don´t think so anymore. Every day she was drunk - not saying it was ok, but it did not bother my as it was during the evenings and once drunk, she went to sleep. She payed for every meal and a lot of the attractions - I booked the whole trip, flights, hotels, train tickets, you name it, I made sure the trips was ready and she reimbursed me for her part. She kept saying how none of her children were going to have to pay for things while with their mother - little did I know she was complaining to my uncle (her older brother) during the whole trip how she has to pay for everything and I don´t contributed to anything - mind you I offered to pay for my meals every single time! Last day of our trip we had to switch hotels, which was fine. We were granted early checkin at the hotel, and decided to take some time to relax. I was scrolling on my phone for about an hour, so I have no idea how much alcohol she had by then (11am). We went out for lunch and she had a beer with her meal. After that we went to the store and she was wobbling while standing at the register trying to pay for her stuff. I was uncomfortable and embarrassed - you know the way drunk people get way louder in their tone as well, right? I suggested going back and relaxing a bit - so we did. I knew she was going to pass out, which would give me a few hours to wander around the city by myself. I stayed in the room for about an hour and once I got ready to leave, I figured I had to wake her up since we only had one key, and she might wanna lock up after me. I realized her pants crotch was stained and the bed as well underneath - she had *** herself. I left. I shopped some things at the store and went back when I received a message from her bragging about how she figured out google maps and found a store and was able to purchase more wine - I was livid. When I came back I didn´t look at her, I didn´t speak to her, I just packed. Finally she asked me why I was like this and we got into an argument and didn´t speak the rest of the night. The next day we left for the airport and had a 7 hour layover in our home country - here I stayed with the luggage past the security gates, while she went out. When she came back about 5-6 hours later she was once again hammered. Her mood had shifted though, and I believe it was because she forgot about our situation. Once she realized I wasn´t speaking to her, she sat there and cried. While on the plane it took about an hour before we took off and during this time she woke up about three times and tried to get up and leave the plane - I had to sit next to her and keep explaining that we had not left yet. But did I mention she was going to stay the night at my place, because she lived a few hours away by bus? That didn´t happen. She talked to my brother and as a statement decided to stay over there - I was fine with it, at this point I just wanted her away from me. Before boarding the place I did call my brother to let him know about her condition and that he needs to meet us at the airport. 

When we landed, my boyfriend was waiting for us there, as well as my brother. My boyfriend had gotten me flowers (that had a sale sticker on them - important for later) and she noticed that. The next day she texted med this "I just don´t understand one thing. You buy everything for these men, and for you he got flowers on sale yesterday, I see everything. Buy, I don´t care, but you don´t value your mother. But that´s none of my business, enjoy these men, I am proud of you brother this time, he met me at the airport, followed me to the bus stop the next morning and even took my luggage inside the bus, this type of child you can be proud of. And you, your boyfriend is going to enjoy you for a little bit and then dump you just like everyone else. It´s your business though, live how you want, but don´t ask why I love your brother more, he cares." I was floored. What? To put some things into perspective... my brother would not have gone to the airport had it not been for me asking. Yes, I´ve been in quite a few relationships during the years, but I have always ended things because of various reasons, meaning she wrote those things specifically to hurt me - which it did. Haven´t really engaged in conversation with her since then. She had me blocked for like a week, that sent me a friend request, never accepted it, so she deleted it. That was about a month or two ago.

Now to make my point. This woman is the reason why my self esteem is at the bottom - which it shouldn´t be. I know I am not a goddess like the women you see on the screen, but I am not awful to look at - my boyfriend tells me this everyday, and while I struggling with seeing this myself, sometimes I get lost in his voice and believe his words for a moment - but that´s it, it´s only for a moment and the it is back to self despising, questioning why you´re woth of anything and not understanding why would anyone look your way or even be interested in you. It mostly bothers me when he talks to other women, because I know he has good intentions and I trust him. At the same time though, my mind keeps saying "she´s better than you though, so that´s probably why he messaged her or even spoke to her, he´ll leave you soon enough". My goal is to feel good about myself, but I just don´t see point in working so hard. When I think about how I´ve been messed up mentally for 20+ years and am I supposed use 20+ years to try and fix myself...