Setting boundaries
I people pleaser struggling with setting healthy boundaries. I hardly say no and yield easily, even to the people I know barely. This might the consequence of my deep rooted childhood trauma from being bullied (was called softy, not fun or advanturous, coward, etc.). People often treat me like a pushover and take me for granted. If they were family, I wouldn't have thought as much. But I tend to treat barely known people more gently than my family, don't know why.
I am terrified of being criticized and maybe that's why I always do whatever people asks me to do. I even change my personality based on their personality and needs. It's a blessing that I have a strong moral compass and avoid bad people in general. But still I know that this level of people pleasing is not okay.
Yesterday, I couldn't say no to one person and they gave me too much responsibility. That triggered me and I couldn't bear the anxiety anymore. I started talking to my mom and went on venting for one hour, didn't even let her go to sleep. I then realized that I often let my family responsibilities aside while tending to the needs of other people.
I am so ashemed and hate myself for doing this. I feel like I still behave like a child even though I am an adult, can't take care of myself properly, let alone my family.
I really want to change and start setting healthy boundaries, say no and not be a people pleaser anymore. This will solve almost 90% of my problems. But I whenever I try to do so, I feel guilty and extremely anxious. Sometimes I go on having anxiety for days and avoid the person I said no to. At this point, this seems like a disease to me. But I want to get cured and heal as soon as possible.
Can anyone suggest me ways I can try to address my problem?
@courageousSquare1219
Hey… I just want to start by saying thank you for sharing all of this. That kind of honesty takes strength, and reading your words, I can feel how much you're carrying, how deeply you're trying to understand yourself, and how much you want to grow. That matters. You matter.
You’re not broken. You’re someone who learned, probably from a very young age, that being agreeable and accommodating kept you safe emotionally, mentally, maybe even physically. That little version of you who was called names, misunderstood, and made to feel “too soft” they did what they could to survive. And now, as an adult, those same survival tools have turned into patterns that don’t serve you anymore. But that doesn’t mean you’ve failed it just means you’re ready for healing.
The guilt you feel after saying “no” or setting a limit? That’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. That’s your nervous system reacting to the old belief that love, acceptance, and safety come only when you please others. But the truth is you deserve love without bending yourself into pieces.
It’s okay if you’re not able to set perfect boundaries right away. Start small. Even just *pausing* before saying yes, asking for time to think, or saying “I’ll get back to you” can be a huge step. You don’t have to become a boundary-setting pro overnight. And when that guilt and anxiety show up try not to shame yourself for it. Those feelings don’t mean you’ve failed; they mean you’re healing something deep.
Also, the fact that you vented to your mom? That’s not weakness. That was you reaching out, trying to make sense of your pain. You noticed something important: that you're putting others before your own well-being and your family's. And now you want to do better. That awareness is growth. That’s huge.
You are not childish. You are hurting and you’re also incredibly self-aware, thoughtful, and compassionate. You're trying, and that’s all anyone can ask. Please be kind to yourself while you're learning new ways of being. It's not easy, but you’re already on the path.
And no this isn’t a “disease.” It’s a trauma response. And it can absolutely be healed.
You’re not alone in this. So many people have felt what you’re feeling. You're worthy of rest, of safety, of boundaries, and of being your full self without apology.
I'm really proud of you for taking this first step. Truly. One “no” at a time, one deep breath at a time you’ll get there.
If you ever want to talk through a boundary situation or need help with what to say, I’ve got you. You’re not alone anymore.
@16peacefulBraveheart01
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and explaining eveything beautifully. I feel a bit calmer now.
You are right, I was trying to solve the problem and change my behavior overnight. That's not possible as I practiced this behavior since my childhood and so my brain is wired to do it. Rewriring will take a lot of patience and time. I will try to keep that in mind while I am on this healing journey.
I would really appreciate if I can have a conversation with you later. Can I text you?
@courageousSquare1219
Your behaviour is similar to mine so I can completely understand and as I replied I live with my terms so it doesn't bother much ...just change the approach is a good way and have healthy boundaries so you won't be disappointed too much coz of someone else behaviour
@courageousSquare1219
Ofcourse...you can text me anytime without hesitation
Establishing healthy boundaries begins with treating yourself as kindly and respectfully as you treat everyone else. Practice checking in with your own feelings and needs, and give yourself permission to say “no” or to ask for space when you need it. You deserve the same care and consideration you so willingly offer to others. By honoring your own limits, you’re not being selfish you’re building a foundation for healthier, more balanced relationships with everyone, including yourself.
If you need any help or someone to talk to, feel free to let me know.