Struggling

I am struggling with my thoughts, my feelings, my life. The mistakes I made doesn’t seem like I deserve being put in my situation; or maybe I do deserve this to happen. I felt like everything was finally being worked on correctly. It seemed that all angles of my life was finally starting to get on track; me being a grown man. The man I once was, the man I started turning into. So here I am, lonely on another family holiday. The holiday that marks forgiveness and renewal…..here I am. My living situation is not at all good and I’m sooooo far away from my job that I may get fired. My business collapsed, my relationship collapsed and I cannot grasp why and what happened. I am still crying tears every night. I’m broken, I’m lost, I’m alone. I have surrendered myself….my mistakes, my anxiety, my fears,  my sins, my all. My life was great up until a few months ago and I feel like I’m trapped in a perpetual nightmare. No “ghosts” or “zombies” haunt me….my sorrows and void of heart is what haunts me. My loss of everything I held dear to me. I will admit the fear that I have let go tries to creep back around daily. Unfortunately it’s held back by my voided sorrows. I love her. I love my blended family. I lived for myself, my family and my love. Now, I have lost all of that to a force that I barely understand. How long can one live with so much pain? Feeling like I was tossed to the dogs and callously spoken about like I was the worst, most horrible person on this planet. Feeling like the last of anyone who would love me, for me being me, has just left my side for me being me. I know I’m just rambling on…..so thanks to all who read this. 😞😞😒