Self-Harm Recovery Daily Check In: Saturday, June 1st, 2019
Happy Saturday everyone and happy June! I am really looking forward to hear from you. 
How are you feeling today? :)
How has this week been for you? Do you have anything you would like to share about it? :)
It is summer! Do you like summer? What is your favourite thing about summer? :)
(well, I mean summer on the Northern hemisphere anyway, where I am at :P)
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@redmark
Heya, red! Glad you cleared up the summer bit xD I love summer, despise winter because it always makes me get sick! As I am right now :( Aside from that, the day has gone alright! How have you been? <3 xx
Hey there @rebecca947 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is always really nice to hear from you around here!
Well, I mean, I know that it is not the start of summer everywhere right now, but I am just kind of excited for it. This whole week we have had really bad weather with a lot of rain, cold, and storms - hail even - but today, on the 1st of June, somehow all of that just cleared up and it is like 25-ish C and it is just so nice :)
Anyhow, I hope you will get better soon :)
Stay awesome!
@redmark
Hail! Oh my gosh! Lol the weather wanted to pour alllllll the bad weather down before June hits! Start of summer! Hopefully all you get is good weather ❤️ Thanks, its day 3 today of being sick, so hopefully day 4 Im nearly finished with the sickness!
Feeling relaxed.
Week's been good, bought a chest binder, mum started calling me Rain.
I like the beach in summer. Also the lack of school.
Hey there Rain! *hugs* (if you are okay with it) @ItsReganingRain
It is always really nice to hear from you around here.
yay! Getting a chest binder is always such an exciting thing and I am so happy that your mother is supportive like that as well. I am really happy to hear that you have had such a nice week :)
Just getting a break from school can be really nice for sure. I have kind of mixed feeling with beaches because of the sand buut generally just getting to some body of water at summer is really awesome :)
Stay awesome!
I haven't self harmed in about two weeks. I haven't been doing that great but I've made progress
@fairmindedRaspberries1389 I'm happy to see that you aren't harming 😄 I too am a self harmer and know you can stop gives me hope. Never say you aren't an inspiration because you are inspiring me right now💖.
Hey there @fairmindedRaspberries1389 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
We are really glad to have you here with us!
I am sorry to hear that you are not doing that great. I want you to know that you are not alone in this here and that we are all here for you. I mean, I know you can do it, and you can get through it, since you are alraedy making such an amazing progression being SH free for so long. I am really proud of you and I do believe in you :)
Stay strong and awesome!
Hi @redmark, long time no see (from my side).
How are you feeling today? :)
Better than yesterday at least. I experienced a sensory overload yesterday (or I think I have felt it all month, but I only realised it yesterday). I have been very snappy all month (may I mean). Very stressed out and restless. And I have become more and more argumentative, to the point where I have become irritated by every little thing, and very aggressive too. I haven't been able to handle it at all.
The last few days I have been very argumentative and aggressive, and have argued with all and everyone. Even good friends, and often over stuff that wasn't even important at all. Just stupid, little things that meant nothing to me at all, but in the moment meant everything to me. It was just so stupid. I haven't been able to control myself or my anger. I haven't been able to see when to pull back and just leave, I just kept arguing until someone told me that enough was enough.
I don't know why I am experiencing this sensory overload. Maybe due to me being very stressed over two very intens weeks. Maybe bc of my anxiety. I mean, I have anxiety, but haven't felt it for a long time, due to a "safe" live and a manageable every day. Maybe bc I haven't been able to fall asleep, and therefore sleep, as I used to - I'm just so damn tired. I'm tired of not being able to fall a sleep. I mean... I can lie in my bed from 10 (in the evening) to 2-4 in the middle of the night and not fall a sleep. Then I will sleep until lunch and everything is just crazy. Everything is turned upside down. And I'm tired all the time. I'm so confused to why I can't sleep, or fall a sleep that is.
But the weird thing is it's only at home I can't fall asleep. At my grandma's or at my grandparents' I have no problem at all. Which is why I sleep there once a week, to get just some sleep.
And now I am somehow stuck in this overloading of my senses, and I can't seem to get out again. It's just so weird, bc I don't wanna be aggressive, argumentative, snappy or irritated all the time, but I guess I need to relax somehow. And since I can't sleep that's kind of hard. The weird thing is that I can fall asleep and sleep just fine during the day (but I don't do it of course, as it would make it harder to fall asleep when I come to nighttime), but at night I feel very restless and confused about why I can't fall asleep at all. I can lay for hours with closed eyes, but not fall asleep at all. I feel restless and feel like I have so many things I should do, that I shouldn't be sleeping. And I don't feel that feeling during the day at all.
I have tried watching movies while trying to fall asleep, listening to audiobooks, listening to music, or not listening or watching anything. I have tried to only go to bed when tired, going to bed the same time every day and stuff like that, but that doesn't help either. I have tried to tire myself out during the day, like riding my bike twice a day again (as I had taken a little break from it), running and working out. I have tried to tire myself mentally; like doing math or complicated things/stuff that is hard for me. Doesn't help at all. Any good advice for one who can't sleep at all? Or I will fall a sleep eventually, but at 2-4 in the night.
How has this week been for you? Do you have anything you would like to share about it? :)
Crazy like hell. I have been a really ugly person to be with, as I don't feel like socialising. At the same time I crave to talk to ppl, so I do it online, and I always end up arguing with them about stupid things. I get argumentative and aggressive, and I have a hard time not getting irritated at everyone and everthing...
So if any of you experience me being those things, I am trying to say that I am sorry, but I really can't control myself at all. It's like someone else is controlling me. I feel so out of control all the time and it scares the shit out of me.
It is summer! Do you like summer? What is your favourite thing about summer? :)
(well, I mean summer on the Northern hemisphere anyway, where I am at :P)
That I don't have to wear layers and layers of clothing. That I don't freeze constantly. I hate that it is so damn hot though, I wish the tempature could just stay between 15 and 20 degrees Celsious.
OH! And I self-harmed yesterday, bc I felt like I had to. I couldn't control my emotions and reactions, so I could control the blade. I could control the pain. At least I tried not to, but I ended up doing it anyway. I had the urge all day yesterday, but resisted it until nighttime, where I did it :S
Hey there @EvilRegalsReadToo *hugs* (if you are okay wtih it)
We are really glad to have you here with us!
It does certainly sound like you are going through a lot. I know that the last few weeks have been really stressful for you and just the lack of sleep can really make things so much harder and just make us more impatiend and...well, really just bring the worst out of us.
I do not really have any things to fall asleep. Sometimes I struggle with it as well but there are few things that have worked for me for certain - generally small - extent during those times.
First thing is that I just write things down, out of my system before going to bed. I mean, "things" as in generally anything that may worry me at that moment or just corssing my mind. It is kind of hard to define these "things" as they can really be random. Sometimes I can just overthink and worry about a really small mistake I have made at work sometimes I am just worrying about things that are already said and done like years ago and had really no bad effects on me...
I mean, it is random to say the least and, interestingly enough, sometimes seeing things written down and just reading them kind de-escaletes these thoughts as I just realize how stupid they are.
Second. Well, I write schedules for myself. For tomorrow, for the week. Something that allows me to gauge what I would like to get done and I how I can get it done effectively. Gives a sort of feeling of control back to me as well as it can just be nice to look back at the end of it and see how much you have got done.
Also...positive self-talk. I mean, this is a weird one. I do not really always believe in what I am saying but I just take some time every once in a while to tell myself something like "I have really worked hard this week and have got a lot of done at work and it has got recognized. I am doing a good job!" - you know, not that I necessarily "mean" it but I allow at least my logical side of the brain to try to cheer me up a bit and get me out of that rut I might be stuck in.
...and....well...teddy bears. It is mostly self-explanatory I suppose but for me it is just useful to have a teddy bear with me in the bed. I kind of just project that, otherwise quiet, positive voice in my head onto it giving it a much stronger, distinct voice....and, well....yep I have a (silent) conversation with my teddy bear. It may sound stupid but some days it helps to me to be a bit more positive.
More of a general advice, I suppose, but if it is really causing you so many problems as it does it might be an idea to try to reach out to some professional. A GP or a therapist or so. After all, it seems like there might be something triggering it, specifially something at home maybe. I am not sure what it may be but it might be helpful.
Anyhow, I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. I want you to know that no matter what we all are here for you if there is anything we may be able to help you with or anything you would just like to vent about :)
Stay strong and awesome!
Hi @redmark!
Yeah, my weeks has been really rough. Normally I love going to my grandma's place, but at friday I was like: I can't get through this! I feel so damn stressed, how the heck do I get there without dying? Like I was just so stressed that I couldn't even figure out how to ride a train, which is kind of lol, as I ride the train almost twice a week and suddently I didn't know how to do it.
Thank for the advice, I'm gonna try that. Teddy bears are just great. I have one in my room I have had since I was like... 2 or something. Keeps me warm on lonely nights. So I totally agree with that advice, gotta find him. He must be somewhere.
I think I should talk to my therapist to, I have already planed it, and I'm seeing him in like a few days (thursday), so I really do hope he can help me, as I get really frustrated when I can't sleep.
But I must say that I feel a lot better after getting all of this of off my chest. Like a whole lot better. I already sleep a little better. I still get very frustrated when I don't fall asleep like: laying in my bed, closing my eyes, falling asleep - but I guess it's something I have to get used to. Guess my pills don't make me tired as they used to.
I still self-harm though. I can't seem to stop it. It helps me get out the anger and frustration, and as I have to punish myself in some way for eating as I does right now, I think self-harming is kind of the right solution. Kind of. I know, I know "self-harm is bad", "you shouldn't do that to yourself" yada yada, but it works right now, so I gotta do it.
I feel a lot less frustrated with ppl and a lot less aggressive though, so I think I feel just a teeny-tiny bit better <3
@EvilRegalsReadToo Well, self harm is definitely a coping mechanism and actually can be an effective one albeit not a healthy one.
I know it can be hard to really leave the habit of SHing, to move on and I do understand it can be struggle-some and the fact that you might SH sometimes do not make you any less in any sense.
Still, of course, there are other, healthy alternatives to SH which may depend on the person, on you, a lot. For starters I think it is a really good thing that you plan that meet-up with your therapist and plan to share this with them. I do hope you will find it helpful :)
Also, I am glad that venting has made you feel better here. We are always here for you if there is anything we may be able to help you with or anything you would like to vent about :)
We can get through this together.
@redmark, I mostly SH when I get angry or sad, or when I wanna punish myself for eating something I shouldn't have (I have an ED). So as you can hear, that comes to a lot of SH. I'm really trying not to, and I am not SHing today as I am at my grandma's place, but it's really hard when it feels like the only thing that helps.
I am really looking forward to meeting up with my therapist, as he mostly helps me a lot. Or he does, most of the time. Anyways it's always good to talk to him, as it gives me some kind of peace. There are far between my sessions though, every third to fourth week, and I feel like there is too long time between sessions, but there is really nothing I can do, as I am not really feeling worse as such. I like... just don't feel good, but that isn't enough, sadly.
But I gotta make a plan of what to say to him, as I tend to forget what to say. Maybe I should just write it down, hmmm...
Thank you for just being there and listening to me. That helps a lot <3
@EvilRegalsReadToo *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
I am happy to help if I can :)
Also, I am really glad to hear that you will be able to meet with your therapist so soon, considering that it might be helpful for you like this and I am glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better now :)
I know it can be hard to resist those urges, when you are mad at yourself it can even, in a twisted way, seem logical but I can assure you that you do not deserve any sort of punishment and especially not such a harsh one. From what I can tell you are really, really trying hard and being brave every day and I am actually really proud of you for that. :)
@redmark
I am doing a little less than ok. It is getting harder to complete daily tasks such as brush my hair and teeth. I am not sleeping well either. Other than that, this week has been good. I was able to hang out a lot with my friends :)
I like summer becuase I am out of school and can visit my family.
Hey there @PurpleSnail *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is always really nice to hear from you around here!
You know, I know that some days, those things, that sound just so basic, like brushing your hair or teeth can be really hard as well but I am really proud of you for being so strong and keeping up with those as best as you can still! :)
I am also just really glad that you have got spend some nice time with your friend like that. ^-^
I do hope that you will enjoy your summer break this year and you will be able to spend some really nice time with your family as well :)
Stay strong and awesome!
Hey. I'm not really a regular comer here, but I've posted a couple of times before and lately, things have been bad and I really need to vent and I hope it's okay to do so here as I have nobody else to really go to anymore.
I had a relapse back in January after a year of being clean and it's been downhill since. But lately, the urge won't go away no matter what I do. It used to be something I'd only do during particularly bad depressive phases to make myself feel a bit more alive or to calm down after a panic attack but now it's a constant urge. I'm obsessively snapping bands against my arms in between cutting sessions and it's not even helping me feel less depressed but I can't stop doing it. Honestly, not trying to sound over-dramatic, but I've never felt so miserably sad and alone before and I just don't know what to do anymore.
Hey there @23Lotus *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
We are really glad to have you here with us!
That is why we are here, I am glad that you have decided to put your trust and share all this with us and do not worry, this is really a place for exactly that, to just express how you are feeling, no matter what :)
I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time tho. It can really be such a downward spiral at times where it feels so overwhelming. You are not alone in this tho. We all are here for you if there is anything we may be able to help you with or anything you would just like to vent about. You are not alone in this and we can get through this together. I believe in you!
Also, depending on the severity, it might be an idea to try to reach out to a professional as well, although, no pressure on you to do that as I know it can be really scary and hard and it is totally fine to take your time. You are already doing a really amazing job by reaching out to us here in spite everything. I am really proud of you :)
Stay strong and awesome!
@redmark Thank you so much for the warm welcome and kind words. I've tried reaching out and went to a therapist before, but being a minor, they'd likely have to inform my parents of the self-harm and whatnot, and I kinda have a complicated family situation so that wouldn't end well for me to say the least.
@23Lotus I kinda went through that to because I was a year clean and then out of nowhere I relapsed and I didn't start to or want to recover at all I was just really downhill and now I ruined my body with marks which makes me feel way worse because I finally started to feel comfortable showing my arms or legs now back to square one. I don't know how to help you but rn I'm just trying to remember to tell myself that the thoughts in my head are false and I shouldn't let my feelings control me. It obviously sounds easier said than done because I'm still struggling now but I believe that if we keep fighting it'll get better but the truth is that once you get better you're always going to have moments where you feel like you're back to square one and that has been happening me constantly and I feel like I'll never stay uphill but maybe that's just life and the goal is to not always be happy but to learn how to get back up when we fall because we will always end up falling.
Hi!
My week was okay. I did cut a little bit... tho
Hey there @GrafGrishnackh *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
We are really glad to have you here with us!
Sorry for my late reply, I am being a bit sick lately >.<
I am glad to hear that you have had an okay week. I know tho that sometimes the urges can be really strong but I am glad that you have decided to share it with us here. You are not alone in this and, no matter what, we all are here for you and together we can get through this :)
I believe in you! ^-^
Stay awesome!
I
Hey there @CrunchyJpeg *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is really nice to hear from you around here!
Sorry for my late reply here, I am being a bit sick >.<
I am really proud of you for being so strong and being clean for so long now, you are really doing an amazing job :)
I know that scars can be really hard to deal with sometimes but, you know what, I believe that scars show power. Scars show how amazingly strong you were and still are fighting through so much and now you have won that battle, you have got that behind your back for so long now, you are doing such an amaying job :)
Stay awesome!
I was having a really hard time earlier, but I got it out of my system on paper, my feelings come and go, depending what I'm doing, but I can do this! It's been difficult time for me since feb/march, but I'm getting there. Just got to keep trying.
Hey there @LaylahG *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is really nice to hear from you around here!
I am sorry for my late reply, my week was just really busy and were still dealing with a bit of this cold. Still, I should have got to you much earlier, so I apologize.
I am really proud of you tho. You are doing such an amazing job and being so strong. You are really amazing and I do definiely believe in you, you can get there :)
Stay awesome!
@redmark thank you so much for your reply :) I'm doing alot better since I posted this, do not worry about late reply, I really hope you are feeling better :) Get well soon and take it easy x
Hello @redmark, will there come a new check-in any time soon? <3
How are you feeling today? :)
I'm ok. I am home from my grandma's and I am making a drawing of something I gotta use for some RPG (roleplaygaming) I am doing. I'm looking forward to figure out where to start, but I think I have a plan for it, I hope. My friend is expecting something by tomorrow so I better just start figuring it out.
How has this week been for you? Do you have anything you would like to share about it? :)
This week has been ok. I'm back on track, so to speak. Or at least I think I am. I'm back to counting calories, which is good, as it keeps me calm. But I am still punishing myself with self harm, and I don't know how to not do it. It's kind of crazy. But it helps me keep my anger down and my moodswings not too crazy (and it feels really good to do as a punishment for overeating so that's good, right?), so I thing I will just keep doing it. I had the plan of being on 65 kgs by summer, but I'm still 10 kgs behind, so I gotta punish myself. I just have to.
It is summer! Do you like summer? What is your favourite thing about summer? :)
When it isn't too warm, but not too cold either, and you can walk around in T-shirt all the time - I cut on my legs, so I can't wear shorts... but I was never fond of that anyway as I have flappy legs. So I'm all good. All set for summer.
Hey there @EvilRegalsReadToo *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is always really nice to hear from you around here!
I am sorry, I was pretty sick last week so I have not been able to post a check-in here. But I am back now and a new check-in will go out soon for today :)
I am glad to hear that you are feeling okay. That drawing sounds really interesting. I know that we have tried some table top RPGs with my friends back then as well and it kind of inspired me as well to try to draw. I am not really good at drawing thio :P
But, anyway, RPGs sure can be a good inspiration to get some drawing done :)
Hmmm....I do not think you deserve punishments. But, I do understand the sort of logic you have behind it. I mean, not that I agree with it but, still...
I mean, it was a really, really hard thing for me to learn as well and just accept that it is okay to make mistakes and I should not be always that hard on myself. I mean, we are human, we make mistakes but...we are not out mistakes. It is not really the mistakes that define you honestly. There is this sort of mantra, one part of it is that life is about learning lessons and there are no mistakes just lessons, opportunities to grow. I mean, I do not know why, but that helps me at least - so I thought I would share :)
That shirt weather is really awesome for sure. I do hope that you will be able to enjoy a summer that is not too hot. Right now we have waaaaay too hot weather here but hopefully it will change soon. :)
Stay awesome!
