My Diary (sort of)
I...well, I don't know how to start this or even if I am at the right place but I know that I need a place where I can vent and just rant without just overwhelming and hurting anyone. Not anymore anyways. I mean, I guess may be the perfect format for me. Nobody will have to put up with the anxious and often times depressed mess I am but if somebody wants to do it....well, I would be glad and it will be out here...
This, most likely will not be really focusing on my life on a day by day basis but more just a wall where I can just write things out since I just have way too many things going on in my head and on my mind and it is starting to get the me...more and more lately.
So...yep, a fair warning: a lot of rambling ahead.
I mean I have got a friend here, on 7Cups, we have used to talk a lot but there was a lots of stress in my life at one point where anxiety has got me and I have got really just an anxious mess bombarding them with all those stupid, small thoughts that just kept popping up in my mind because...it helped, little bit anyways. Of course it was not fair with them as they had to put up with me and I know very well how overwhelming this could be and....well, it was overwhelming for them as well.
A bit more than two weeks ago we have had a talk and generally they have addressed this and we have agreed that...uhm....well I am not exactly sure what we have agreed on. I mean the thing is they have told me that this is too much from me - which I can totally understand - and then we have not really agreed on any exact terms but since then I try to keep all those "not important enough" thoughts to myself. Problem is I am very bad at judging it and since I have made this kind of filter I do not really found too many things "important enough" too sure which mostly has to do with my near non-existing self-esteem I suppose.
There was one thing tho, and it was not even suggested by me but by them, that we will still talk - like serious talk Listener-Member style - on Saturday evenings. Only problem with that is it only happened on the first week some days after our talk and since then the last two weeks - including today - nothing. I mean, I could go after it, I could ask them to talk to me, to keep to that time they have actually set up but....that's not what I want. I am so tired to always be the person who goes after others just to have some company. Always being the one starting the conversations, the one who is making the first step.
I mean, I guess it is stupid and probably selfish as well but I so want to have it....well...at least like around fifty-fifty. I want so bad for someone to just come and say "Hi" to me without going ahead and saying "Hi" first or asking for it. I mean, I do not know if it even makes sense but I guess I just want to feel important, important enough that somebody takes there time and actually reaches out to me, not because they have to, just because they want to spend time with me....
(Also, my anxiety doesn't help either when I try to go to someone and initiate a conversation either, so that is a factor as well making this even more....uncomfortable for me)
I am not really that kind of a person tho. I am boring and just a mess, I know that very well so I am not really the best company to have for a long time, I know that but I do keep hoping. I mean, it is probably stupid to keep hoping for something like this in my place but I am always an optimistic for some reason and still do believe in people and the good in them in spite of everything this way of thinking has put me through already.
@redmark Hi red 
I just wanted to say that I understand, it is hard when you always have to be the first to reach out. *hugs*
I do absolutely love this color - "floral lavender", according to wikipedia -, I do hope it is not too annoying to read tho. I mean, it doesn't seem like that but I know that the contrast on my laptops monitor is just all weird and messed up...
Anyways, back to ranting I guess. I mean, I am weird and I am having a hard time really accepting myself as is and find it near impossible to love myself. If you know me you most likely know about my hate-love relationship with the dajective "cute" but in case you do not...and anyways it is something that just keeps like tearing me apart each and every day still.
I mean, I guess it is up your interpretation based on my actions in check-ins and what not but I...well....may be cute. Or, I do not know. It is all a weird mess. I am a man - or AMAB anyways, but I was not exactly able to do much about it outside of this place even though I am not exactly happy with it so for now I will go with man. So, 26 year old man... *shrugs*
I want to be cute. I mean, not that I do act in a way to be "cute" but I guess that is an impression I would like to make in people for some reason. I remember I have had a listener/friend here and they just out of the blue once called me "cute" and it was the best feeling ever, I were right up on cloud nine. And, yes, I do like cute stuff, when I am on my own I do surround myself with cute things and I sometimes really just want to go "aww" showing off someone something cute I have found - allthough these boils down more to the point I have no friend at all I feel like, but I do still miss sharing it with someone.
The problem is that this is such a temporary thing. I am happy. I am happy when I feel like somebody thinks I am cute - or similar - I am even happier when somebody says something like that to me until reality just hits me. I am, after all, a 26 year old men. I should not be going for being cute or even be cute I suppose. And I am not, not outside this place. At work with my coworkers I just act like you would expect me with everything considered because anxiety is just holding me back, doesn't let me move or say any word - I mean, literally sometimes. It is just so hard to explain when you want to say something out and you do form the words and you say them in your mind but your mouth just does not move and there is no sound.
It feels suffocating honestly how I sometimes just not able to do it, the simplest thing.
With that tho I am in a weird situation. How I act here feels so much more natural but this is "just on the internet" while how I do ask for example at work is just so distant from me but then again, it is out there in the "real life" and I just feel like both is a lie. This is a lie because I "just do it on the internet" and I do not do it in "real life" and the way I act in "real life" is just...not me, not what I would like to be....
I mean, this probably makes no sense. I am not sure but the feeling I feel, I know it is really suffocating and sometimes I just want to scream or cry - which I for some reason cannot, which is rather annoying. Or just asking for help, telling someone in "real life" about the way I...well....honestly it feels like suffering. But there are no sound when I try and nothing, I just freeze. I mean, do not misunderstand it, I am so happy that I have got this place where I can be myself but....I want more than this, someone....someone I could touch or get/give a real hug. I mean, honestly, I know it wont happen, I do not really have hopes in it but in theory it would be so amazing....
I have fallen back a bit with my things here, I know but I just had such a long day today and I just feel so tired. LIke literally tired so much that my head hurts and most likely I will just go to bed right after this even though I feel really bad for negleting things I have hear to be done but I guess I come first - or even if I am not I have to go to bed very soon so, not that I have a chance.
I mean, usually I go to bad much later but tomorrow I have to wake up very early since I will have my appointment with my therapist. I mean, it is usually on Mondays but she was just busy I suppose. But....I am just so anxious and worried about this one....I just don't want to go....
I mean, long story short, I am visiting this therapist for a little bit over a year now and....it is not working, there is not really much connetion between us and there were times where I was just literally going because I "had to go"
...and I had to because I cannot say no....like confronting someone and saying any sort of criticism for that, I just cannot...too much anxiety there.
Tomorrow tho this is what will exactly happen. I suppose she may have felt all this on me or maybe it is because we have just crossed the one year mark with this relationship but she wants to talk about how this is going, how do I feel about and what I do not like and such and I just.....I don't know....I don't want to do that....I am just so anxious and I hate it already...
I am afraid I will hurt her, because I know she was trying hard and we had like small things that we worked through even if the real problems are still there with not much being changed. I mean, I know this is a "professional relationship" for her but she is still a person and has feelings and...what if I hurt her...
I do not know what to do but I do not have a choice at this point so I will just go there tomorrow and see what happens. It probably will not be that bad....or exactly as bad as I feel about it right now....I don't know....I just know I have no way back now soo....here goes nothing, I guess....
Sooo....today I have learned that Noni is okay with virtual hugs and not only that but reciprocates them as well which is really good news for me as just sending a virtual hug out is kind of a coping mechanism for me if things around me get very noisy and loud as others cannot keep their tone down triggering my anxiety a bit - and now I can do it again, without bothering anyone too much like I did it before. I mean, just in general Noni is pretty awesome if you ask me :P
The appointment with my therapist....well...we have not got to the end of it so generally it is still up there in the air as we will just continue and most likely finish this talk about the whole last year at the next time, in two weeks sooo...it is still there but now I can procrastinate things for an other two weeks which is....well, right now I am happy with that option although future me will hate me for this but I just really don't want to deal with this - sorry future me >.<
On other news today was rather calm, exactly what I needed, a bit of breather after yesterda and after waking up so early - and actually not sleeping enough - today. Athough today we have got some news that one of our co-worker will leave the office and the company at the end of this week - his boyfriend got a job that requires them to move to London - and so she will have a farewell party on Thursday and of course I have said yes that I will go, after all she is really nice and I will actually miss her on the other hand....I do not like going out.
I mean it is a bit complicated. I am working in the capital city but live a good 50-60 kilometers away - as I cannot stand that crowd which is in the city - so I have to think about getting home and also still getting....at least some sleep before the day at work on Friday so yep....it will be interesting.
Also, I don't know, I suppose it is just anxiety making me feel all bad about it like something bad will happen, which I know is stupid but still....it is just there.... *sigh*
Luckily enough the attorney of the company has a private place close to work where we can go without having to go into any club or pub with just soooo many strangers, so that is actually a big plus - we are a really small company/office here in Hungary of a company in the USA with only a bit less than 20 people together so we all know eachother rather well.
I mean, I just hope it will go well but this means that I will once again will fall behind a bit with my things around here on 7Cups which kind of feels bad but...well...she will be leaving to London in a week so it is like now or never and I want to say bye to her properly.
Although, as a side note, I do not know why we always have to drink. LIke all af the people I have got to know was like this, like if there is an occasion first thing is to drink something but I do honestly don't like drinking or alcohol....which is a bit annoying after a certain point for once again being the odd one out it seems like...
The weather is just bad today. I mean, I do not mind some rain but it was just gray and windy all day and now it is raining and just dark...
Also it does not help either that the weather seems to go from heat to autumn-ish cold/rainy and then back to heat and then back to this cold rainy thing as I am rather sensitive to fronts and my head is just hurting like all the time for the last week or so because the weather being all random and everything...
Other than this I suppose not much happened today, all I can say I have survived one more day. I mean...*sigh*....I am just depressed, or I am not sure how to call it. I mean it is not like this weather brought it out of me or something as I were already feeling like this for a bit of time now today was just the day when there is not much else I can talk about I guess.
I mean...I do not know what would be the best label for this feeling as it is more that I just feel...less and less intense. Not that I am completely numb but I just noticed that only feelings can get to me that I would otherwise classify as strong feelings and other small things that made me angry or happy or whatever just passing by me like "meh" and really nothing. It is weird honestly...
On one hand, I guess this is good because this helps me feel less anxious at times but I feel like this is still just not what I want. I mean, it is not just this strange sort-of-lack-of-some-feelings but I just feel reall tired in general. Thinking about it now it fits pretty well the defintion of being depressed....
I don't know tho...the problem are not these days with this as I have a work to attend to so I wake up, I go there and once I am there I have things that I simply has to do and not much choice so these days are okay still but the weekends. ... I mean I am active here as I kind of have to...or I tell it to myself anyways...but otherwise I have not motivation to do things and so I just kind of drift through the weekends - or at least the last two or three weekends anyways - until I get back to work where I am at least kept busy by those things that I have to get done...and....now it is getting closer to a weekend again and I am still not feeling too motivated really....
I mean...I don't know....it's weird...and so am I...but it is what it is and I am not sure at all what I should/could do with this. I mean it will most likely pass but I do hate these times of my life when I am just kind of running on an auto-pilot "getting some things done" but not really doing much else...
@redmark Just surviving a day is still a victory 
Although, I can understand that it still doesn't feel the best, to sort of just...do things that need to get done and not much else. I think I'm stuck in a similar cycle, motivation can be really hard sometimes :( And I bet having these "dull" feelings wouldn't help much in that area either, it's hard to get yourself to do things (that don't have a sort of 'pressure' about them) when you don't even feel much about them. Sometimes when things get like this, you have to force yourself out of the loop, such as forcing yourself to do something for you, something that doesn't actually need to happen but which you would like (or, even just in theory think you might like, even if the actual feelings are kind of "meh").
Even if it's really small, just doing something might help make it get easier over time, you know? Maybe setting yourself a specific time to do it as well might help (if you're like me and have a "to-do" list but just let it absolutely pass me by if there's nothing forcing me to do it...setting timers for myself helps put a sense of "pressure" on). I mean, even if you just think of things that you could potentially want to do (you could ask yourself "if I weren't feeling this way and had my ideal life, what would I want to be doing/trying?")...could help to create a sense of "something to look forward to" in the future (even if right now you can't get yourself to do anything)...
I don't know if any of that makes sense...but I guess my whole point is that you're not alone in this "auto-pilot" mode (I feel like we're always following similar patterns together..whether that's good or not, I don't know :P), and that it can pass in time *hugs*
(had to edit to change my font colour since it didn't look nice with your lavender..I hope this isn't too hard to read)
@TaranWanderer It makes sense and thank you!
Uhm...I am not used to people actually caring about my ramblimgs such as this....I mean....I do have like plans I would like to do at some times but on the other hand I never really end up doing them. I mean, most of them would need me to like leave behind everything for like a full afternoon and such and just concentrate on that but that is something I am not really able to do. Or, well....maybe I could, but the problem is that because of my involvments here on the weekends when I would have time for this I just feel kind of bad to leave things totally unattended and because of that I cannot really indulge myself in those things as I would like to as I try to at least a bit keep up with things here and it ends up being a mess....
I mean, I guess, this sounds bad but I do actually like this place and I love what I am doing here. The problem is, I guess that I should be able to at one point to just say that okay, for now I am done with what I had to do and I am important, more important with anyone else here and it is time for myself and I forget about the people here for like an afternoon or so.
But....even just theoretically writing that down I just feel so bad and kind of guilty for even saying such things....and....I do not feel important...it is more of the opposite of it actually >.<
Anyway, sorrry...I will try! - or, well, keep trying.
@redmark Hmm I know it can be hard to get yourself to leave here, because it's simultaneously a place you like and a sort of 'duty' to be here and supporting others...and, I mean, you already know that taking time for yourself is equally important, but putting that in action is always a whole different story (and so is feeling that it's true). But, I will just tell you what you already know :) We love you here and everything that you do, but we also want you to be able to do things you want to, everything will be okay here if you leave for an afternoon. In fact, it might make things even better, because it means that you're giving time for yourself, and so you can be happier, and so we can have a happier redmark when you are here :) No matter how much you don't see/feel it, you're very important! And you're not only important because what you do here, you're important because you're you, you're the only you there is (in other words...I love you, not just what you do. I'd like you equally the same amount if you had no 'responsibilities' on the site). If you ever feel like it (or at least...feel like you want to feel like it :P) it wouldn't do any harm to just trying taking one afternoon off here to do something for yourself :) you matter too, 100% :) You know, trying is the best thing you can do
Soo...I have been a bit neglecting this thread for some days but I were just very busy... I mean it feels as I kind of had it set as a goal to post here every day but...hey, it was the good kind of busy because I have really enjoyed this weekend and doing what I were doing was something that actually helpedme recharege a way :)
On the other hand....I have really needed something to recharge. I mean this whole June was just so long for me and...I don't know, I have to admit that this whole Pride thing is just hard and complicated for me and a whole month of it was really hard on me - especially given that I have been contributing to it in the LGBTQ forums.
I mean, do not misunderstand me I understand Pride and the importance of it and I am really proud of quite some people around here but....I am not one of them. I do not know how to put this but it is just so hard going on for a whole month about pride and being proud while you - or I, in this case - just really...well....I pretty much hate myself. I don't know it was just so hard pushing through with this for a whole month and because of this I have just felt so lost.
I do not know if it even makes sense, but without that inner drive of my own Pride I was just trying to keep in with the whole theme of things but I felt like the things I were just doing were lacking the heart and soul from them and it was nothing like the things I usually do. I had responsiblities tho to take care of and deadlines to meet and so I have done it but honestly...just thinking of it...I feel really bad.
...and just feeling bad in any way about Pride I guess pushes me once again a bit deeper because as I have said I do understand the importance of it and the fact that I feel bad about it in this way even makes me feel like I am a bad person but I guess I cannot deny feelings no matter how hard I do try. I mean feelings just doesn't really seem to abide the general laws of logic which often gives me a bit of a hard time...
Sooo....I have got called a sweethart today and I am like over the moon and back. I mean I should probably tell the person - or wrtie, I guess- how much it means to me and how much just that actually made my day so much better...buuut....well...anxiety and stuff and whenever I think about being like openly happy about being a "sweetheart" and actually being happy about it....I just feel so stupid...*sigh*
Anyways tho, it was a really nice thing that happened to me none-the-less and I guess I wanted to share it with whoever reads this...
On other news: I have a new profile picture. It is not exactly new tho, I have it for a bit but I guess it is nice to have something changed up a bit and....I guess I kind of had enough of rainbows everywhere after Pride Month. ... I mean, now thinking of it I guess it may sounds offensive but I just love all colors so very much and being limited to red-orange-yellow-green-blue-purple was...well...restricting, to say the least.
Also, this one just fits me better I guess. I always loved this one. First of all if you know his story I was always be able to really just see myself and identify with the story of Asriel. Also he is just so cute and that pink color is amazing and....well...I guess it is a very good visual representation of how I feel most of the time...
I...uhm....yep...I was sitting here and I was thinking abuot opening this post in an other way, but then I decided to slowly get to this point but I am again sitting here with this....well...weird feeling. I do not know how to otherwise describe it like when you just want to cry and have no idea why, which is frustrating. Especially added that I of course still cannot cry - not more than one or two teardrops and kin of snivel for like a second and it goes away....
Let's just say I am not the biggest fan of this feeling - whatever this may qualify as.
@redmark
On being called a "swetheart" I totally relate. I am gay, and my girlfriend uses pet names sometimes with me. She uses four, and they are sweetness, baby, sweetheart, and baby girl. The last one is my favorite and she knows it. I always get super happy as well when my girlfriend does that. I keep a record of all messages so that when I'm not feeling great I can go look at them and I can be reminded that someone does indeed care about me.
It is rather late here and by that I mean I should have acutally gone to bed in like....one or two minutes ago already but first I wanted to post here.
I mean...it is early to say but I feel like I may have just messed up something again - as I usually do with things. BUT...I may have not. I am trying to keep my anxiety at bay and not just jump into conclusions too fast as it is probable that the people I was talking with on here is just busy or any other reason they have not been responding.
In any ways, for now I will just try to wait it out a bit and hope for the best although my anxiety is already acting up - as it usually does - and I will not really go into too much of details until I am sure about it...because, you know, it may just be - once again - my anxiety trying to make me believe I have done messed it up.
I sure hope I have not anyways....
On other, brighter news, I have met someone I know on the train - or well, they have came to me, but anyways - and we have been talking for a good hour until the train has got home.
...and by we here I do actually mean we - like me and him....like I have been actually held a discussion with someone for like an hour - and once again we are talking about me....sooo...it is kind of a big thing. I mean, I have felt awkward and I am pretty sure I was awkward but he hasn't just left me after five minutes but kept talking with me. I mean, even if he was that kind of more distant ....i just cannor spell the word accquintance....or....wait...acquintance - there, I have googled it - now it is time to forget it in like 10 minutes again >.<
Anyhow, it was mostly those more generic discussion about just things and stuff but, hey, I still did it....it is something isn't it? - I do feel like it is more his merit than mine buuut....it is still something :P
I do not usually do things like this but I do want to vent about this coworker of mine. I mean I am usually hard to really get to the not patient side of but...uhm...well, let me explain it a bit.
I am working at a small office, we are like one and a half year old - like the whole place - and we have like 15 people and we all know eachother and we are working in this open office setting where we do generally have two rooms one big with ten people in it - this is where I sit, with this coworker of mine - and the small one where the rest of us sits and works.
I mean it is not optimal regarding personal space to start with but generally everyone is aware of this situation and generally mostly tries to keep quiet and just not bother other too much. - I mean there are times when there is a bit less work and we have some free time and we talk these times but generally when there is work to do it is mostly quite and all...
Now...everyone except this coworker really understands it. ... *sigh* it feels bad to really complain about someone but...I kind of have to, I guess...
I mean okay, so he usually arrives at the office listening to some music and humms....or like croons it which would not be a problem but the problem is that it doesn't stop there. So, we have quite a good atmosphere at work and we are allowed to do a lot of things as long as our work is getting done including listening to music on one(!) ear - so we can still communicate.
Now this coworker doesn't cares about that but keeps listening to his music with both earphones in and usually he is the one who is upset if we bother him with anything. Of course with listening to music comees the same humming or whatever you may call it and - mind you - usually the office is otherwise rather quiet....and it is not like some times when the music is good but through the whole day.
...and if it would be just this humming thing. There is also this other thing when he sings along with the lyrics but of course he realized he cannot just straight up sing along so he is doing this weird mix of singing and whispering which is just...
I don't know, sighs are a bit triggering to me as that is what usually - and I mean all the time - my father does at home and so just hearing it stresses me out and this mix of humming and wispering and singing just comes of as a weird kind of sigh-iing with random words on a language that I do not understand....and it is just...annoying honestly.
Also, he chews a lot of chewing gum - and I know it because you can hear him chewing them when it gets quite. As well as the noises hes just....I do not even know how to describe it but as he exhales he is like...you know where air is just leaking from some place with some pressure as well and it just makes that wierd sound - now this is totally random as well, of course, so it just randomly happens throughout the day.
Also there is that when he just founds the videos he watches funny and once again laughing at them but he knows he cannot do that really like openly so he does it with this...I don't know weird exhaling - whatever you may call it...
Here is the catch tho, the reason we have originally haven't told him when things just have started - and now we are just...going with it. He is from Cameroon and he is black so....you know different culture and what-not so we kind of wanted to let him be himself a bit more but it have just lead to this...
I mean, I don't know, I still feel bad for just complaining about someone like this but this goes on every day, and it is 5 days, 8 hours a day each week of my life and it is just so annoying...like this is going on for like months now or like even more than half of a year.
Luckily enough otherwise I do really like my workplace and this is the only inconvinience but if I want to be honest this is a big one and just frustrates me more and more lately and I just wanted to at least vent about it and see if it helps...
I doubt it will, as it won't change anything, but who knows...
@redmark oh my goshhh it's almost like we have the same co-worker XD (I know I complain about my coworkers lots already but really it's understandable sometimes, when you're in a close space with someone for long periods of time almost every day...little things build up and can just get so irritating!) the girl at my work also listens to music, we're only supposed to have one ear in so we can still hear but she puts both in so that people are literally yelling her name to get her attention and she still doesn't hear -_- and sometimes she hums and weird whisper-sings the songs...and instead of gum, she chews something crunchy like carrots or kettle chips just so louddd especially when the whole office is so quiet. I used to have a co-worker that would think their grandkid is so hilarious and would show literally everyone in the office (one by one! so it played so many times!) videos of their kid on MAX volume and just laugh...so annoying :P Anywayss point of this is, you're allowed to feel annoyed at things and to complain, it's something you have to sit through so much and so often, I think everyone out there has a co-worker that bothers them with all the little things :P Idk, for me you know I'm always writing about it in my check-ins, because it feels like it helps to have somewhere to get it out, instead of it sitting inside you every day just piling up...so, I hope it helped you too to write some of it out :)
I hate myself.
A lot.
@redmark *hugs* do you want to talk about it? Maybe you could do some self care? I want you to know that you are cared for here
I have been told that words can hurt but...
I have never really questioned it. I always know they can do a lot of harm if they are not chosen carefully but I have always thought that this is just an expression to remind that words can indeed do a lot of emotional and even mental damage but I have never thought words can literally, physically hurt.
I do not even know if it was pain. I was just reading the words, I have got to the end of it and then pause, silence. My mind is usually quite...noisy but it went silent and then this slow tingling feeling run through me starting from my fingers slowly through my whole body leaving nothing but subtle pain behind. Like that one time I was not looking out working on my lamp and I have been electrocuted a bit...
Then numbness. Just a moment but still felt long and than thoughts have come raging and emotional pain followed overwhelmingly. I was at work tho, there where nothing I could do with it, I just let it wash upon me and stand it and try to focus on my work, what I have had at that moment. It still hurts, but I made through it. I would have never thought words, letters on a screen, can do this. Or...well...never ever experienced it.
It has run deep, really deep. I am feeling lost and hurt. You know that expression is has hit too close to home? It just feels like it has just outright hit home. I mean, this place is special for me. This place I am just someone, anyone behind a profile picture, the other side of the screen. It doesn't matter what I am only who I am - there is no mold to fit.
Or so I thought....
I do not think I have ever really lied about what am I. I have mentioned it several times even in the check-ins and it is written even on my bio-thingy on my profile but I have never liked it and this place was convinient. I was just who I was and....it went well. The responses, the reactions I have got... It made me forget what I am and let me focous instead of who I am and I have enjoyed it but there is only so far you can run from yourself and the more you run the harder it will hit you.
I am what I am before and above who I am. It matters and it always will.
I have never lied here tho. Who I am here is honest and true but....what am I....I cannot deny and it is true as well and they probably could not be further away from eachother. I....I have seen others change what they are but...not me...I am afraid, scared and anxious and I have no support other than this place, it just feels impossible. But, this way both of them just feels like a lie. Who I am....if you get to know me here by who I am....it is not true to what I am....not true to who I should be according to what I am and what I am is just not true to who I am - or so it feels.
I feel torn, I feel like I have lost ground. That reminder pulled me right back into the middle of it while taking away some of the things I could and I have been holding on to help me get through this day by day.
If neither what nor who I am is true then...at the end of the day, what have I got left for myself? Do I even have anything?
@redmark honestly I know exactly what you're referencing here (I'm sorry for snooping :( I just know that it was something important to you and I can see how much it hurt to hear those things...) and I wanted to say...you are a sweetheart. You really are. The connection you have, the support you give, the kindness inside you, that's there and it's REAL, no matter "what" you are. Honestly what happened was not your fault at all. Not in the slightest. I can imagine how crushing it would feel to be so happy about something and then to have someone absolutely deny it to you after something so simple. That's not fair to you. You've never lied to us here. We all know what "techinically" you are, you've never lied about it and you're always honest and at least all of us in the lgbtq+ subcom know that it's a complicated thing for you and something that causes you a lot of anxiety/stress as it is. So I know reading those words is obviously the last thing you need :( red, those words were overly harsh (like seriously...who reads that someone really appreciated what you said and then says essentially 'I wouldn't have said it'..that's SO rude and uncalled for). You didn't deserve it. You're a sweetheart and everyone knows it. We love you so much :) You know "what" you are? An amazing, kind, compassionate, sensitive person. That's what you are :)
