No success
I have been on this site for a few days, mostly talking to myself. I have had no success in finding someone to talk to. I guess that
@abitok0412. I used to love this site. Lately I feel more alone being on the site. I thought this was a place to be heard, and supported but I have not felt this lately.
@EnergySensitive I understand. I feel lost among a sea of people on this site. Perhaps u will find better help than I have. Just dont give up on yourself.
@abitok0412. You don't give up either!! If nothing else we can be there for each other on this site. At least it's something!!!! We can pick a community where we can create a forum and tagging each other somehow. If we stick to one community it will be easier for us to find each other. Even if our chat is not private, it doesn't seem to matter, like no one is even reading it..
So how does that sound? We both keep trying together!
@EnergySensitive. That sounds awesome! Im still learning on this site so I may need your help in creating forums and tagging. Perhaps we can talk on chat too? Take care!
@abitok0412. Sounds great! What community is your original post on. Thats where we will post to get ahold of each other. We need something that let's us know the forum is intended for one of us.
@abitok0412 .Ok I saw self harm community. Want to use this community or another? Don't worry I still have issues finding things on the site.
@EnergySensitive. The self harm comm is ok. Thats where I originally started.
@abitok0412 ok! So we can create a real forum post but in title put & as first word. So we know its for us to connect. Click follow on my page.
Hey, we actually just put a safety plan in place ourselves! Who would have thought😱 I'm now laughing that we can continue on this thread. Just subscribe to it I think!
Talk to you soon. I'll check every time I get on which is several times a day.
Our same feeling of this site not recently working. And what the listener did to you and only one person I think, other than me, actually heard you and responded. To me with a community of millions of people struggling everyday you would think more people would respond or offer support. It's shocking at times. ✌
@EnergySensitive. Yea. Im used to people overlooking me. Thats why I was gonna just get off this site. Of all the people I have tried to reach out to on here, you are the only one who responded to offer help. I will check on here as often as I can (at least once per day).
@abitok0412. 
@abitok041
Hello! Sunday suck! I find myself losing the day by having anxiety about tomorrow! I can never stay in the present.
I didn't think about it last night that you posted in self harm. I self harm and I have found if I just tell someone the urge lessens. Do you self harm?
We need to get to know each other. So lets go. For fun I'll tell you something about me or visa versa then we will ask each other a question?
I have been a teacher for over 20 years.
What do you do? Or in school?
@EnergySensitive. What are u anxious about? I know u said you are a teacher. Is it the students? Coworker?
i work in Accounting. Ive done that for the past 9 years. I like my job, fortunately. I used to struggle with SH a lot. But I have been free of it for about 3 years now. I joined the site because I do still have urges to SH. I have managed to overcome it so far and not relapse. Right now struggling with forgiveness has brought on SH urges.
If you are wondering...I am in my 30s.
@abitok0412 I'm anxious because I have to face the world again and live my life as if I were ok. Not the kids! They are the only thing that bring me any joy! I have a great class of 4-5 year olds. They amaze me! Coworkers......more than half suck! Lazy, ignorant, and rude. Back stabbers!!! It's like every man for themselves except for the cliques.
At work I'm usually distracted enough to keep the depression, anxiety, and panic at Bay. Not always. The environment can be toxic. All my pent up anger at the end of the day builds up because I have no one to talk to about my day. There's so much more going on as well.
I'm 41. I've struggled with SH since middle School. Now it's speratic. Been having some set backs recently. Just feeling overwhelmed!
So, I didn't pay attention on your profile, if it's there, but are you in america? If so what time zone?
@EnergySensitive, yes. I live in the US. Eastern time. Co-workers can be difficult to deal with. I always just do my job and go home. I dont put too much effort into socializing with co-workers. The people I have in my life outside of work are what matters (and I really only have one person outside work). Sounds like the kids are awesome and make u happy. Thats something to be proud of. Do you have hobbies? Do u like to do any kinds of crafts?
@abitok0412 .I have no hobbies anymore. Two years ago my lfel changed drastically and I completely lost myself and I still have not find it.
@EnergySensitive. Are you an American? Did u grow up in the U.S.?
It is easy to lose yourself in this world. I was lost and completely unhappy for years. I felt surrounded in total darkness and I had no real friends to help me. My emotions were released through self harm cause I had no one to talk to.
But there is hope. I found my way into a better life and the darkness slowly lifted. My life is in a much better place now and I am grateful. I just struggle from time to time with forgiving myself for mistakes that hurt me and others.
Do u want to talk about what happened that caused such a change in your life? We have time so if you arent ready, I understand.
@abitok0412. Hi, sorry, wasn't ignoring you. I went to bed very early last night. I will tell you why or what happened but I don't have time now. Have to go into work and it's kind of a long story.
Hope you have a good day! I'll be on later. I have a scheduled chat with a listener at 4:00.
Yes I'm American. Born and raised in same state my whole life.
@EnergySensitive
Very long story so here is a quick chronological time line:
December 2014, my "second mom" moved hundreds of miles away. My only real support. She was my energy healer but it evolved to a more intimate relationship, mother, daughter. Only human touch. When she moved I was unemployed.
Feb 2014 took a shit job! 3 months later I was offered my dream job. I was going to help open a brand new childcare learning center for a lady. I put my hear and soul in it. I worked someone's 12-14 hrs a day but would be paid for 8. Ok, my choice to work that much. I did everything!! I created all paperwork, contracts, maintained files, trained teachers, lisencing, assistant director, pre-teacher, and school age teacher. Like I said, I didn't everything and got them up and running. They used me for six months, kept all my paperwork. Lied at unmployment t......oh and called a racist! First of all I chose to work in an area where I was a minority.
November 23, 2015 fired
November 24, 2015 my grandmother died, 2 days before Thanksgiving. Mind you 3 years prior my cousin died 2 days before Thanksgiving. So twice my family had a death, Thanksgiving, and a funeral the day after.
Ok gets worse, way worst!! For me anyway. I will continue later. Been on here since 4:00! But I'll be back!
@EnergySensitive. Sorry that you had someone you were very close to move so far away. Sucks. Do u still talk?
Being fired for no reason is a big blow. Its a shame that the people there couldnt see the value you brought to the business. Sounds like you are a very intelligent and hard working person.
Im so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Deaths are hard to deal with, even more so when its close to a holiday. I lost my 9 yr old cousin 3 days before my birthday. And this past Thanksgiving we lost another cousin who was 45. My grandfather passed away right after New Years. It sucks. I take comfort in knowing they are in a better place though.
Talk soon!
@abitok0412. Yes she and i talk frequently. It's different but she's still in my life. She is now a Reike healer. She and some masters are always sending me long distance healings. The story of her and I is quite interesting. We feel each other's energy. I have been sitting here in tears before and she will call and say what's wrong. Very connected.
I'm sorry for your lists. It's so hard especially near a holiday.
So little more....
After my grandmother's service our plan was to have our last Christmas there as every year of my life before. Big family but that house was our staple. Many traditions, memories etc.... As with any death. That Christmas did not happen because my aunt who was living there at the time needed emergency surgery.
Between October when my mom's best friend died and Christmas my family buried 4 friends.
Ok January 2016, new year. Still unemployed. Just felt kicked so many times trouble getting up.
February 4, 2016 I found out my father had stage four inoperable lung cancer. Mind you the week he was diagnosed he played 2 days, 27 holes of golf and had just shoveled out a blizzard. February 5th he began having mini strokes. He continued to have strokes leaving his left side paralyzed. They could not tell what was stroke damage and what was cancer that had now taken over his brain. No chemo, no radiation. Sent to hospice, they kicked him out, I guess he wasn't dying quickly enough. We took him home and March 6, 2016 I watched my father take his last breath. Four weeks!!! I will never get the visions out of my head!
Then to add to it all! My family decided I was basically a piece of crap. My sister and I do not talk. I will never forgive her. Another Story. My aunt's no longer speak to me but they speak to my sister!!! Another long story!!
The losses and knock downs continue, however I do not need to spit it all at you in one swoop!! I will come up for air and continue tomorrow.
A positive, I had an ok day at work, and talking to you has occupied my mind! So thank you!
Your turn!!! The good or the bad or the random!
@EnergySensitive.
I am so glad that it has been helpful talking with me! And, I am glad that you have found a listener to speak with as well.
I
@abitok0412. People are so cruel!! It's easy to believe that they themselves have esteem issues but it's not easy to accept. We just turn it in wards. I guess in a way because we're uncomfortable we look different. Those are the people that are not true friends. A friend asks what's wrong!
In middle school I was in "The Clique" of the whole school, only I was on the outside. I was close with some but as a group I was often invisible. I was more the pawn of some. Long story, where I don't like what I had done. I had been a bully. After apologizing to the girl, who by the way had to transfer highschool's because this group, and sadly I, had turned the whole middle school and next year's highschool against her. Me trying to fit in causes me horrible guilt to this day. On my behalf of being a bully, I'm truly sorry.
Well I stepped up on my own and apologized to the girl and her family. Guess what?? No everyone is against me. I'm going into highschool on the outside of everyone! My only saving grace that was I didn't know many high schoolers going in and I was able to have a great freshman year, ok, sophomore year blah, junior and senior I was dating a guy already graduated so I hung with all his friends. Then of course more dama for later!!
Although I made a horrible choice being a bully and I remember it every day, I learned a hard lifetime lesson. I even share that story with my class, with a lot of missing parts!! LOL
Ive been up since four, left house at 5:30 am and didn't get home til almost 7 pm. I'm exhausted!!
I hope you have a great night! And I'm glad you are happy for all you have. Thoughts take us bad places. Try buying a cheap doll, and as crazy as it sounds, take the urge out on the doll.
Just a suggestion
@EnergySensitive.
We have all done things we regret, especially when trying to fit in. Even though it didnt turn out the way you would have liked, I think it was very brave of you to apologize for your actions. Im sure on some level, the girl you bullied was glad you apologized.
Ok. So I moved into an apartment with my friend from where I grew up. She was a bit on the wild side to say the least. She smoked pot and brought guys home from bars and drank, etc. etc. She stole from me and hardly ever spent any time with me as a friend. So, one day she introduces me to this really nice and cute guy. As time goes on, I find myself liking him a lot! One night we go to hang out at the local bar and I had one drink. Next thing I know the room is spinning and I cant see clearly. My roommate finds me on the bathroom floor and has someone drive me home. I barely remember this. Once home and up in my bed, I hear someone come in my room (my roommate had brought the guy I liked back to our apartment and dropped him off while she went on to someone elses place). So, Yea, you guessed it….he gets on top of me and starts feeling me up while I lie there sick as a dog from whatever someone put in my drink that night.
Later my roommate comes in while he is on top of me….says sorry and closes the door. Like, hello, you saw how sick I was! Could you not see that this might not be the best situation?!?! So, the next day I say something and no one seems to think its a big deal. They are like, so what, you had a few drinks and made out. It happens….
So, I kept it locked inside me and told no one else about it again (more SH). I pretended it was no big deal, even when I saw HIM. Eventually, we all graduated and moved our separate ways. I never saw him again after college.
Then comes the part about where I really have trouble forgiving myself. Im going to take a break.
@EnergySensitive
Part II:
A couple years passed since the college incident. I worked at a drug store. I would often go to the house of a co-worker and hang out. She was about 10 years older than me. At the time, I was in my mid 20s. She was a very unhappy person and her marriage was a very unhappy one. She and her husband did not get along at all. And she had already been divorced once. I think we were kind of a should for each other.
Anyway, one New Year
@abitok0412. Hey, sorry I didn't reply to part one earlier, I had an appointment.
Part one: WFT????? So your roommate watched and allowed you to get raped???? That's just pure evil. Especially if it were a set up. I cannot express enough the empathy I feel for you to have to go through that. But!!!!! You cannot blame yourself.
Before replying to Part Two, I will tell you about my POS college roommate. I was transferring to a university from a community college. I needed a place to live. She asked if I partied. I say yes. I just left out the part that I began drinking in middle school and by senior year I would come home drink and pass out. Weekends partied with drinkers! However I was the youngest and drinking more than anyone. At times even my 6'4 250 lb boyfriend. They were going to have an intervention but before they could I began taking medicine for depression. Drinking made me sick! So I'm 21-22 trying desperately trying to find a place to live. If answered no, I don't party I knew I'd lose the apartment.
I move in with a girl my age and 2 guys that are 19. No idea that they didn't speak or that I moved into this huge feud!!!! I quickly realized why they did not like her. Moody, rude,bossy, and drunk. The fact that I had lied about partying was thrown in my face. I had only smoked pot a dozen times or so with different people but hadn't done in for a while. To calm the storm I agreed to smoke. We began doing it regularly. But she was still a freaky bitch!
The guys won't speak to me. I've lived there a few months. I finally told them that because I shared a room with her did not mean I was on her side of whatever was going on I was nutural and she was just a crazy bitch. So the guys and I would hang out when she wasn't there but pretended I was on her side to keep the peace.
HOWEVER! She had been out drinking. The guys ,(19) were having a frat party that was not out of hand at all. I was just chilling in my room. Psycho roommate came home at ,2:00 am, the guys were drinking, playing pool, listening to music, and smoking. Like I said it was calm and they were doing what she would have been doing if she was home. She came in said she would be back later and left. It's 2:00am, so I realized she was going to a friend's to call the cops. IM 21AND THE GUYS ARE NOT!!! And she knows there's pot. I'm the one of age, I'm gonna go down. I told the guys my suspicion and said just tone it down some and went to my room. Frantic knock on my bedroom door. My guy roommate is freaking because the cops are here. Pissed. Knowing who called I went out and explained that our roommate was crazy. Never addressed drinking. When they left they said if they received another noise complaint everyone on the lease would have a $500 fine. Like 10 minutes later she calls and asks what's up. After chewing her out I explained how her plan to get them would actually fall on me. Then I said, go ahead and call in another complaint because everyone on the lease will be fined. She's on the lease not me!!!!!
So I did not have quit a cold hearted roommate as you did, but mine....... She was........not right. Thank God she moved!!! Wish karma had gotten her. I am so sorry you experienced what you did. No one should go through that. And to be set up!! It disgusts me and I honestly wish I could give you a hug right now!
So my roommate rant went on for a while and I need to do a few things. I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN PART 2!!!
Unfortunately I have to jump off but before I do I want to at least acknowledge what you said. First. Have you ever turned right when you should have turned left? Have you ever accidentally called someone the wrong name? WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES!!
Until I can really respond I want you to keep telling yourself that!!!!! Thank you for sharing and I will respond to part 2 as soon as I can!!!
Have a good night!
@abitok0412. Hey! I have not forgotten part 2. I've been up sinse 4 am. I did do some shopping but then I wasted time and I need to go into work.
I won't be back on til 3-3:30
Have an awesome day!
@EnergySensitive no worries. I know you have a life outside of this thread. That's a good thing :) Sorry I talked on for so long. I hope things are going really well for you!
@abitok0412 .Honestly I really do not have a life! I work 7:00am til 2:00 or 3:00pm. If I'm not going to an appointment I come home by 3:00ish. Change my clothes and sit outside on my tablets until I go to bed. I don't know where you are but I'm in Maryland and yes it's like 20 !!!! We have a huge deck that runs the length of the house. That part has a roof. Then the deck goes out another 8-10 feet and goes around the pool from 3-9. It's very peaceful. In the winter we close off most of the under cover part with ply wood. We have propane heaters and electric blankets. It's like a little living room. 6 chairs, a bench covered to look like a couch, 50" TV, Alexa, and a Christmas tree!!! I have not watched ,TV in 3 or 4 years. I'll put music on or Sometimes, if they are watching something I will glance up or listen. Sometimes I feel guilty if I do watch. Only guilty with myself. TV was running my life. So much in the DVR and trying to have our schedules of what we watch and with who. It was just unnecessary to be that engrossed. Now they will binge watch stupid shows in Netflix. Thinks that's about when I "moved" outside! I guess my withdrawal from housemates began then and i becoming more detached as we well. Inside I spent time cuddling with my dogs. Now I know I don't give then the love I used to. Ones actually a hoarding thief that gets on our bar height kitchen table and eats what may be there. She stole a whole 12 pack of Chick-fil-A nuggets and hid the box in her stash hoard!! She's her Mama's sooiked bitch! Ok I have a soft spot for her, at times. She is funny. Plus we safed her from a shelter because no one wanted her. She fisty. She was in the shelter because her previous owners beat her. This one is a small terrier mut. Our other is a lab, with possible pit. We safed her from a family that had her a year and was done. We think she was beaten and neglected. She had severe anxiety. Trembling.... We wanted to change her name. The night we brought her home she was checking things out and jumping at the sight of her shadiw. We sat there saying name after name. She wouldn't respond to her name or others we said out. I said how bout Sadie? She came running from the hallway. So she named herself! When we got Sadie we didn't have the hoarding brat but we had the best dog ever!!! A pure bred yellow lab. Loving, smart, protecting, just awesome! At 5:00 pn every night she would bring us her bowl to eat. Both dogs loved each other. Since Sadie was afraid of her bowl, the other dog would would bring her bowl over and would bring Sadie's bowl. She taught taught saide so much and Sadie would always cuddle with the older one. We had to put her down a few years later and Sadie never recovered from losing her best friend.
Anyway, I think all that stemmed from my feeling detached. I was way over the place there!
@EnergySensitive .Part two:. Don't beat yourself up. Yes you agreed to kiss him but you did not agree to anything else!!!! The marriage was bad, he was an ass. He took advantage of you!! You did not willingly put yourself in that situation. It was new years, drinks involved, you kissed him. Think we've all been there! However once you say no then it's not concentual. A kiss is.......minor. But what he did to you is not your fault and should have no baring of guilt or anything.
Decisions and situations don't define us!! I'm sorry this has happened twice to you. But neither was your fault!!!!
@EnergySensitive. My mom and dad have a dog named Sadie! She is a jack russell terrior mix. really cute. she is about 11 years old now. Sitting outside sounds nice. Its too cold for me but sounds like you have a nice setup. I do not live too far from Maryland so we probably get similar weather patterns. It has been in the 20s here. Supposed to be in the 50s tomorrow! Yay! I love warmer weather.
Thanks for the encouragement. I still know I am no innocent party in what happened. In college... I do not believe that was my fault, but the other incident I feel I could have avoided if I'd been a stonger, better person.
Fortunately, I have become a better person over the years but I still do have moments of struggle with these past events. Some days it makes me so sad. Other times I live with it and make the best of my life. I often dream about someone taking advantage of me. I suppose that stems from these moments of the past.
have you been feeling better? How are the kids? How is teaching?
Thanks for reading :)
@abitok0412. Innocent party or not!! That's your body! You agreeing to kiss him is not why he did that. Have you ever thought that if you said no he still wouldn't have done that to you?? Sounds like that ass had his own plans kiss or not!!
Just think about it in another perspective. Try to see it a different way.
My day was a bit hectic but I pulled through. Had to raise my voice, not yell, to either get their attention or to even speak! Just a few days of these 5 new students and all hells breaking lose! Lol
Mind you I have vocal chord damage so if I have to raise my voice a lot I usually end up with no voice!
Have a goodnnight!
@abitok0412
HAPPY FRIDAY!!! Another week survived! I know you have a life so please don't feel obligated to check the site everyday but I enjoy talking to you. We have some similar situations, which I have not fully shared yet. Like I said messaging you ocupies my mind. And thanks for listening. If we both have social anxiety we are practicing to have small talk!!!
Well been up for 2 1/2 hours yet dilly dallied again and I want to go into work a little early to get things done before my shift starts.
Have a great Friday!!!
@EnergySensitive. Just wondering.....how did you damage your vocal chords?
So, I decided I would like to tell you about a more positive story. Most of my life, from middle school through much of my twenties, I was unhappy. I drank (Bacardi 151 was my BFF), I cried, I tried like hell to fit in, I always thought I was ugly and I had frequent SH.
Then, one day when I felt at my lowest, something inside of me clicked. Like a switch. I had been talking to this guy on the internet (my husband) and I just felt the sudden want to change my life and to get out of the dark hole I was in. So, I started talking to him more and more. He helped me to feel happy. Then I started replacing negative things in my life with positive things. Over time, I started to feel happier! Like a dark weight had been lifted!
Good things started happening every day. I felt soooo much better. I didnt have the desire to drink anymore and I started to like me for me! And I realized someone else did too! Even better. There is only one explanation to how I suddenly got the urge to change. I had turned my back on church & God when I was going through those dark times of my life. I truly believe, he is the one who turned on the light inside of me. He never left me. No matter how much I tried to shut God out of my life, he was always still there. How else could I suddenly change my life? He helped me find a better life and a great husband.
I tried to not believe in God but too many things happened in my life for me not to believe. When I started trusting in Him again and studying the Bible again, my life changed so much for the better. One good thing after another touched my life.
Im not saying that I dont have bad days, or that my life is perfect….by no means…but so many times HE has pulled me through and answered prayers. I know my life is in the best place it could be right now because of God. And all I had to do was allow him into my life and let him take over. All I had to do was say that I accepted Lord as my God and savior and that was all. The rest he did for me.
The spirit makes us strong so we can face anything. Ihope this has inspired you , rather than annoy you. AND... I hope you are having a great day!
@abitok0412. Girl! My day was insane!!!! I had 18 four year olds by myself!! Normally I would be fine with that many kids, although I'm only supposed to have 10 until they turn 5! Problem was, not sure if I told you, I was given a whole class cuz their teacher quit. Because the teacher sucked the kids are off the wall and way behind my class. As a teacher you have to start out mean then get nicer or they will eat you alive!! My class is great! It took a few weeks but now they are independent eager learner's that are calm. This other group!!! I've ended each day this week with a drink!
My vocal cords. When I was like 25 maybe and one night I noticed a huge lump on my neck. I panicked, thought it was cancer. I was afraid to tell anyone. Of course I did, and went to the doctors. After MRIs and biopsy I basically had a benign gouter.
Pause. ENT appointment
@abitok0412.
So I had this lump. When I found it it was about the size of a golf ball. In two weeks it had grown to a grapefruit! No joke! It was noticeable! Thankfully my surgery was by then. I was getting a partial thyroidectomy. One of the possible risks was vocal cord damage being that's right near the thyroid. I was supposed to only get 1-2 inch incision. However the lump was infected. Thyroiditis or something. So I have a 4 inch scar that is the shape of a smile.
I always had a raspy voice however I noticed that it had changed. I really noticed when singing with the kids. Apparently my vocal cords should be straight but they are curved. They wanted me to drive 40 minutes three times a week for 15 minutes make sounds to do voice therapy. What???? Hell no! Ironically today the ENT said I had palaps on my vocal cords. Maybe I do but they aren't the what caused the damage. Between then and now 15+ years I've had MRIs of my vocal cords, sinus surgery, but no one mentioned palaps. I do not believe him but anyway.
I'm glad that you were and are able to find or reconnect with your spirituality and God. Then moved yourself into a better place. You are very strong. You, I'm sure, faught hard to get where you are today and reconnecting with God. I commend you!
I have never been religious. I was raised Catholic, forced to go to church, and Sunday school, and all that other stuff Catholics are supposed to do. Then my mom went back to work and Sundays were her only day off. So she would sleep in and church faded. My father never went to church with us.
When I went to college and was so lost emotionally. I found a church, not Catholic, with a female preacher. It started with me seeking her out basically for support. We met weekly and she would listen, we talked about God but not all the time. I........do not have a relationship with God. However I started attending her services weekly, not so much for the God aspect but just calm, trying to figure out what I believed. I attended and met with the pastor for about 2 years. By now I had begun to read the Bible. Then she told me she was retiring and we could have no contact. She said it wouldn't be Fair to the new pastor who was a guy, that it would be his congregation. I explained that I was not a member of the church, and I had seeked her out because I wanted a female pastor to help council me. I felt it very was very unfair. She knew my emotional health was not well. I also questioned if it was just an excuse for her to get away from me.
I felt so let down by this being, God. Why would he take away a person who was really helping me to find what I believed about him. I didn't think this so call God, or his son Jesus Christ would turn their back on someone was so lost. How could he let or lead pastors to just disappear from someone who needed help. Do break the bond we had. I never returned to the church or heard from her again. I was angry, hurt, betrayed, punished, and have not been back to church except for weddings and funerals. I do not use the word pray, wish I've never told anyone! And I don't think anyone has ever noticed. In a sympathy card or whatever I never say I'm praying for you. I will say the words hope and thinking about you but I never say pray.
I hope my views do not affend you. I'm happy for you finding God! I'm happy you were able to push through your anger and bring him back. I by no means judge any one of their beliefs.
I honestly don't know what I believe in religiously, however I am spiritual. There is more to this whole story. The thyroid surgery, the pastor, and my belief in energy healing. But.... I'm going to take a break. I've talked your ear off but I do want to continue the conversation so I can share my spirituality.
I really enjoy these chats. I feel I have a friend that I don't even know. It's nice to talk about not only our emotional state but just sharing stories.
Hope you have a great weekend if I don't talk to you. You actually have a life!!!!
Talk soon!
@EnergySensitive. First, no...your outlook does not offend me. Actually, its crazy. I used to see a pastor for counseling as well. I probably went to see him once a week for about a year. My mom encouraged me to talk with him because of my SH. He was....uncomfortable around me. I think the SH thing kind of freaked him out. He was ok for someone to talk to but not really a counselor. He treated me ok. But I eventually decided to stop seeing him for counsel. That type of counseling just wasn't his strong point. At first I was annoyed by him but now I understand. He is a person too. He just didn't know how to counsel someone with my situation.
Sorry, didn't mean to ramble on there...You are absolutely right about what your pastor did....it was unfair! As a person, she failed miserably by not allowing you to continue talking with her as a friend, or even offering to help you find someone else who could maybe help. Unfortuanately, she let you down as a person. I understand you felt let down by God. Its easy to feel that way when you are hurting and no one seems to want to help. People are not perfect. Even pastors make mistakes and let us down because they are people too and fall short of any kind of love or perfection that God can offer. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you are perfect or that your lfe will be perfect. Its still hard being a Christian. We face the same challenges any other person on this earth faces. But we are not alone! God is there to lead us in even our darkest moments. And he forgives us and loves us no matter what if we just give our hearts to him and allow him into our life. Perhaps it was no accident that you were lead away from that pastor. Maybe God had another plan for your life. And even though it felt like God was abandoning you, he was actually leading you down a road to a better life through someone else. Perhaps it was no accident that we met on this site.
Sometimes when I feel like I am lost, God leads me to a new direction and I think, oh...okay....that's where I need to be.....
Things never happen as fast as we like or as smoothly as we like. But God does help us get there. We just have to trust that the best will come and let him take over. That can be hard to do.
Some churches can be tricky in how they preach things though. My husband and I have not found a church we have been happy with yet. I'll tell you more about that later if you like.
I hope your weekend is going well.
I enjoy the talks too!
@abitok0412
Religion is an uncomfortable topic for me. I'm not quite sure. I believe those who have found a savior and that God does guide them. I respect religion, beliefs, and traditions of others. Sometimes I can conversate about it or question/debate etc.... Other times it's just....... uncomfortable and I have no idea why?
The finish to my surgery story demonstrates more of my spiritual beliefs.
So I'm still seeing the pastor and going to church weekly. I'm also working with my energy healer, the one that moved. We basically did breath work, guided imagry, and touch therapy work. I used to be an avid reader. I moved from fiction to non fiction as I like to learn, or try, to learn things. Right before I had found the lump in my neck I had read a biography of some one who had an energy healer in the operating room. I had really enjoyed the book so now I need surgery! The hospital I'm getting the surgery at offers energy healing under insurance. So I meet with her ask her if she would accompany me during my surgery that's in like 12 days!!!! We met a few times. I told my surgeon who said he would not allow her in the operating room. In the end he had to let her because energy healing was offered at the hospital.
An energy healer is someone who helps move blocked energy in your body, (chakras) to keep you balanced. During surgery your inner energy does not move causing areas to be blocked. Her job was to always have her hands on my body to keep it in a positive place, my mind was not not in a positive place.
Some people can feel others inner magnetic energy. They can send positive energy. And feel it. I can feel way better than I can send it. As in my name EnergySensitive. I realize this is probably all way out there for you!!! Everyone has spirit guides, guardian angels that are there always but will become present when called upon.
As mad as the surgeon was about her attending the operation he was astounded by my quick recovery. Said he had never seen it before. While still in the hospital the pastor visited. I see my spitiuality as unique or un believed by others but it's mine. I truly think in the end it all ties in together. My friend, energy healer was sent to me for a reason. By who??? Some say God, others believe universe.
Ok I'm out for tonight. Enjoy your night! I get to look forward to acupuncture in the morning!
@EnergySensitive. I have no intention of making you feel uncomfortable and I apologize if I have. I do believe that God has given everyone on this earth a unique gift. So, it is not shocking to me that you would find someone who is blessed with a positive energy to comfort/heal you. He uses all of us to the best of our abilities based on the gifts he has blessed us with.
You can talk with me about anything you like. If you'd rather not talk about God...I can respect that. I do not want you to feel uncomfortable. Just know that I will be here whenever you need to talk.
Enjoy the night. And the rest of the weekend, my friend!!!!
@abitok0412
You did not make uncomfortable. In fact I was comfortable enough to tell you that it's a hard topic for me. I was just letting you!!! I'm fine! You did nothing wrong!!!!😊
@EnergySensitive, I am glad that I didn't make you feel uncomfortable, and that you feel you can talk with me. My weekend went by too fast! My husband and I did our taxes and then went to visit my brother who came up home for a visit with his....umm....girlfriend??? He says they aren't a couple but they sure act like it!
I have felt extremely tired lately. I just want to sleep.
How was your weekend? Hope you are doing okay.
talk soon!
@abitok0412 . My weekend was lazy!! I only got a few tasks completed. Just not feeling great emotional. I'm having major money issues. I don't know if I can get out. I feel like I'm drowning!
Work, INSANE! 3 teachers quit! I went from a class of 10 to 22!!! Mind yoy, legally I can have 10 by myself.
I'm exhausted today. I worked 9 1/2 hrs with no break!!! Hope they hire a teacher soon!
I'm always tired! I went to bed at 8:30 last night!
Hope your Monday was calmer than mine!
I will talk to you soon!
@EnergySensitive. Why are teachers leaving? Thats a lot of kids to deal with. I know money issues can cause a lot of stress. Hang in there. Things will work out.
@abitok0412 .Honestly, they needed to go! I'd say more than 80% of the staff need to go! So unprofessional, lazy, ignorant people that suck!
Center is going down because of the staff! Plus the former director messed everything up so bad that we are just getting back on track with paperwork and state things. Staff were going to be addressed next week and the law is being laid down. I'm not supposed to know this! But my director is just as frustrated as me and she will vent to me sometimes because I've been a director. She said I'm the only reliable teacher. I get over looked because she doesn't have to worry about how my room is running. So yes, I always get the brunt of it. However the only joy i feel is teaching and watching the kids grow! Parents have threstened to pull if their child was not placed in my room. I had 5 students from the other room literally bring their cubbies in and have said, I'm moving in!! Even the younger class kids and parents love me. When they had changed my hours and I wasn't opening more, they had so many parent complaints that their child does not want to come to school because I wasn't there. Parents said that when I was there it was calm and controlled but when I'm not there they don't even want to leave their children in that chaos! So, I got my hours back!!
It is a good feeling when the children bond with me as well as the parents! I've had 2 yesr olds refuse to their room because they wanted to be in my classroom!
Again, I don't want to sound arrogant! However, teaching is the only thing I feel I do well. I think I want to be their everything because it's so important for them to have that safety. My fours are incredible. They will stop me when reading to tell me the adjectives in that sentence! The school agers didn't even know what an adjective was. Our corporate manager is amazed by my classes and my way of teaching. As well as my obsession with cleanliness!
Well that was just a novel of my life as a teacher. Actually after 25 years I could write a novel! I think I like to talk about teaching because no one else cares. My mother looks down at my profession. It's below her. So she has never been interested in my teaching abilities and just last week told me to leave the field! No support!
So my job is about snotty, messy, loving, intellegent, and amazing kids!!! As well as the lazy A-holes I work with! My job scares people but your job scares me!!! Numbers and I are not friends at all!!!!
@EnergySensitive, that sucks that your mom doesn't support your teaching. She should support you no matter what you decide to do....its your life and you are working! Why wouldn't a mom want to support you? It sounds like you have an amazing ability with kids. And that is awesome! Not everyone can teach.
I actually started out wanting to be a teacher. I went to school to get my teaching degree but my second or thrid year in, I decided I didn't want to do it. There was just too much control over what a teacher could do in class. I didn't like a lot of the "politics" that were effecting the education system. Plus, I didn't really think I was that good with kids. I had to "observe" a 3rd grade class one semester. The kids were quite mouthy for grade schoolers.
So, I eventually switched my major and ended up graduating with an English degree. And now I am working in an accounting office. I do like accounting. I do mostly accounts payable and receivable. So, I get to both collect money and spend money. LOL. I also do a bit of payroll but I really do not like payroll. I wish I wasn't forced to do it at all. I am supposed to be the back up payroll processor but my boss hardly ever has me do payroll so I don't see how I am supposed to be the back up when I never get to do it?
Anyways.....I am glad you are in a profession that you really like. That makes a difference :)
Have a wonderful day!!
@abitok0412. I hated doing payroll!!! It's the worst! I've also been assistant director at 3 centers. I do not work for the public school system however we are associated with MSDE Maryland state department of education. I have more freedom in ways however it's less pay, no Summers off.
I wanted to start the clasesc in HS which would have been Votech, however my mom would not permit me. I graduated and went to Community college. I took most of my early childhood education classes there and sign language. Got my AA and transferred to a university. That did not go well!! I transfered with a 3.14 gpa, my first semester I got a 1.9 and got suspended for a semester. Then I went back but had to take medical leave. So my third semester attended, I failed out. Just bad time in life.
Now as far as the politics, I love diversity and respect it. This could bring issues with The Pledge and Star Spangled Banner, which i teach in sign language. Just to be cautious I always get signed permission for their child to participate. I have several nationalities in my class. No one has ever said no. They were kind of shocked I asked permission. However every Jojhova witness ( I know it's spelled wrong. I have no idea!) has said no. At least I don't have to deal with public school politics.
Anyway, I'm going into acupunture in a minute. Did I tell you I just got a new therapist? Well I've seen her four maybe five times and she's canceled twice. I'm not in the mental state to not be going. I was going twice week with other therapist but this one doesn't have the availability right now. I'm a little annoyed. So all that was to say that I may need to talk! Not necessarily about the depression but to occupy my mind.
Hope you had a good day!
@EnergySensitive. Of course. You can talk to me anytime. Is there anything specific that is going on you need to talk about?
It is hard to find someone to talk to about stuff. I was in therapy for a bit but my therapist seemed like I was just another number so I quit going. Then I decided a couple weeks later that I wanted to talk with her again but she had already deleted my file and I would have to renter all my info like I was a new patient again. I was like WTF??!?? I was only gone for like 2 weeks. So that ended. Never tried therapy again. It was kinda forced anyways.
Talk to u soon!
@abitok0412 . I like therapy. I actually have somebody to talk to, like in person, just get out what I need to get out. No one asks about my day or cares to listen to anything really. I've had good therapists and bad ones. I just left one I didn't like. The good ones insurance always messed up or changed so I would have to find another. Plus in the state I've been in I need to go to therapy. My acupuncturist will only see me as long as I am in therapy. My Dr would agree as well.
Like I've mentioned I've been depressed for 30+ years but it's different now. I lost myself 2 years ago. It's just......tough.......bad..???all around.
Some people do not like therapy. Some people may only need short term or like once a month sessions. Does your husband know about the self harm? Just curious because then you can talk to him. We have a lot in common yet different. You found your happiness. Your house, your husband, and your faith. You may not always feel happy. Something could trigger a self harm urge, but you have someone everyday that wants to hear how you're doing. That's a great thing! I think your life may just be beginning! Three years ago your life changed and you sound so happy when you talk about it! Your past may still haunt you at times but you got this! I'm so glad you found yourself and life!!
You can always try therapy again, it may be different this time. And you could have infrequent sessions but not be erased!!!!
Ok. Well, as always I enjoy chatting with you. But don't let me bring you down! If my messages are always negative or depressing I apologize!
Have a great night and Hump Day tomorrow!
@EnergySensitive. You dont have to worry about if your messages are too depressing or negative. I am willing to talk with you as long as you like no matter what the topic. Everyone has times in life where they need some help and someone to talk to.
you say that you lost yourself a couple years ago. How so? It may not seem like it but you seem to still have a big part of yourself. It shines through in your teaching and in your willingness to talk and seek guidance to overcome the depression. Though you may feel lost, you are not completely lost. You may have walked off the path a little but you will find your way back to the life you want. It just takes time.
Yes, My husband knows of my history with SH. However, he doesnt know that I still have urges at times. I havent told him about the urges or the dreams I have. I had a dream the other night that a guy forced himself on me and I fought him off. I have those frequently:(
Things will be ok. Just keep going! I will keep you in my prayers everyday.
Thank you for being a friend!!
Goodnight!
@EnergySensitive..
Hope you are doing well....
@EnergySensitive
@EnergySensitive. Based on your last message. It seems like you are done talking. I just wanted you to know that I appreciated you taking the time to talk with me. I am deleting my account since no one on here wants to take the time to continue conversations with me.
I hope you find the happiness you have been looking for.
@abitok0412 WAIT!!!! What did I say? I'm not done talking and today has been crazy hectic! I got back online to send a hello!!! I really hope you don't delete!!! Or didn't already! Get back to me please
@EnergySensitive...I am still here. I was unsure if you still wanted to talk since I didn't see a response from my last post. I guess that is an issue with me. I expect that people will just get tired of me and quit talking to me. Not your fault. Its just something I struggle with as a person.Stems from childhood I guess. I hope I didn't upset you. I was going to delete my account in the morning but I wanted to make sure that you knew I wasn't going to just leave without knowing for sure you were done talking. I didn't want to just abandon you if you still wanted to talk.
Hope you are doing good.
@abitok0412
I just read my last message to you and I don't know what gave you the impression I didn't want to talk.
I even said I like chatting with you! Now had I said I LIKED chatting that would say differently. I've had a bad night and we'll......relasped on something. I want to keep chatting. And I'm sorry if something I said upset you. I just don't want to bring you down. You are the only member I have that talks to me.
Sooooo..........you still going to delete?
@EnergySensitive
I'm sorry you had a bad night and I am sorry for being so selfish.Guess I had a bad day too. Do you need to talk? I will be back on in a few minutes.
@abitok0412
You weren't being selfish and if I did say something I'm sorry. I just took my meds which will be kicking in soon so I'm not sure if I will be able to write!!! Lol
So what happened today? You said you had a bad day?
@EnergySensitive
I feel like I was being selfish and I am sorry for that. Its just been a busy week. I feel so tired. I just want to lay in bed and not get up for a few days. I think I am feeling a littly overwhelmed right now cause I am taking classes through my job and it is really hard to balance work and school. the class is Intermediate Accounting III. And it is sooooooo boring.
Also, my husband and I have been trying since last June to have a baby. This month was another one where I am once again not pregnant. Its depressing...I'm not getting any younger....LOL.
I am sorry your day was bad. Do you want to talk about it?
If I don't hear back from you tonight. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
@abitok0412
We all have bad days then our brains take it to such a negstneg place. I'm sorry your stressed. As for pregnancy, remember your God is there. Maybe it's a sign that timing is not right or..,.... I don't know and unfortunately I can not relate to the situation.
I need to get ready for work but I will touch base later.
Have a great Friday!
@abitok0412. I'm so glad you did not delete your account!!! Question, because I want to analyze my thinking and see how much alike we are. Ok, so what part of my message led you to believe I didn't want to continue chatting? I'm curious because I read into things and I guess think too quick and always go negative. Only if you feel comfortable sharing that with me though.
Well I made it through the week from hell at work. However I did not agree with the decisions made by management. Someone told my boss I was talking about her, she got nasty with me, the children without teachers were bumped all around, the regular BS AND whipping these 11 new children into shape!! I told them they will not like me until they follow my only ,3 rules. Be Safe. Be Kind. Be Respectful. Which of course just those 3 cover just about anything. I do however, always give them choices. If they cannot make good choices then I have to make them for them. Anyway, I've noticed a huge difference in that off the wall class that ended up with me! I get a new teacher Tuesday. I'll train her til June then the class will go back to their room, after they graduate and go to kindergarten in September. Then it all starts over training, or guiding the new group who are also off the wall!
So there's my run down and more. Did I tell you that I couldn't fight the urge of cutting last night. 😕 .Just needed a release.
Talk to ya soon!
@EnergySensitive
when I read the part about u not wanting to bring me down cause I seemed so happy, and then I didnt see another post for a couple days, I guess I thought you wanted to distance yourself. Sorry for jumping to conclusions.
Did u work things out with your boss? Tell her that you werent talking about her? Sorry u had a bad week. I wish I could have helped you through it.
But, remember. Just because u relapse doesnt mean u cant still move forward. Success comes with moving on and focusing on a better self and better tomorrow. You can get through this. It just takes time.
I have overcome sooooooo much darkness and depression. And u know how I did it? I focused on the life I wanted and I made myself focus on positive energy and surroundings. I had to help myself cause no one else would. I made it where I am today because of me and God.
Im glad you still wanna talk!!! Have a wonderful weekend!
@abitok0412. No worries. On my end I would have taken the "you're happy now" whatever I said but re reading it I wouldn't thought, I'm happy so she doesn't want me. Am I making sense? In one sentence either prson could take one statement take it as rejection. And if I hadn't heard back I would've been disappointed as well. Every one's misreads the tone of text, email....and you and, I our brains go negative, abandonment, rejection, you know. I don't think everyone thinks that way but after reading the message back, knowing how I would feel or take it I feel so bad. But glad at the same time. It's more we have in common that we can help each other get it off our chests. I really enjoy our chats. Wish we could get off the site to chat in private. I know 2 ways, one of us becomes a listener but you don't have to be active with others if you choose. Two I have a link to a private room however I posted it to sombody and the MOD or whoever deleted it and said I wasn't allowed to post other social sites!
My weekend is a therapy appointment late morning tomorrow then basically nothing but waiting for the snow to start. Sunday early morning I have acupuncture. I'm afraid weather may affect appointment. Hopefully not, because I've had enough cancellations this week. And to be frank........I'm a mess!!
Anyway, I hope you have a great weekend! Please for my sake if I don't drop a hello or respond send another. Sometimes I check the site to see noifications before work but don't have time to respond so I close it, then Lose the notification.
Ok, for real. Thanks for listening and we'll chat this weekend!!