No success
I have been on this site for a few days, mostly talking to myself. I have had no success in finding someone to talk to. I guess that
@abitok0412. I used to love this site. Lately I feel more alone being on the site. I thought this was a place to be heard, and supported but I have not felt this lately.
@EnergySensitive I understand. I feel lost among a sea of people on this site. Perhaps u will find better help than I have. Just dont give up on yourself.
@abitok0412. You don't give up either!! If nothing else we can be there for each other on this site. At least it's something!!!! We can pick a community where we can create a forum and tagging each other somehow. If we stick to one community it will be easier for us to find each other. Even if our chat is not private, it doesn't seem to matter, like no one is even reading it..
So how does that sound? We both keep trying together!
@EnergySensitive. That sounds awesome! Im still learning on this site so I may need your help in creating forums and tagging. Perhaps we can talk on chat too? Take care!
@abitok0412 .Ok I saw self harm community. Want to use this community or another? Don't worry I still have issues finding things on the site.
@EnergySensitive. The self harm comm is ok. Thats where I originally started.
@abitok0412 ok! So we can create a real forum post but in title put & as first word. So we know its for us to connect. Click follow on my page.
Hey, we actually just put a safety plan in place ourselves! Who would have thought😱 I'm now laughing that we can continue on this thread. Just subscribe to it I think!
Talk to you soon. I'll check every time I get on which is several times a day.
Our same feeling of this site not recently working. And what the listener did to you and only one person I think, other than me, actually heard you and responded. To me with a community of millions of people struggling everyday you would think more people would respond or offer support. It's shocking at times. ✌
@EnergySensitive. Yea. Im used to people overlooking me. Thats why I was gonna just get off this site. Of all the people I have tried to reach out to on here, you are the only one who responded to offer help. I will check on here as often as I can (at least once per day).
@abitok041
Hello! Sunday suck! I find myself losing the day by having anxiety about tomorrow! I can never stay in the present.
I didn't think about it last night that you posted in self harm. I self harm and I have found if I just tell someone the urge lessens. Do you self harm?
We need to get to know each other. So lets go. For fun I'll tell you something about me or visa versa then we will ask each other a question?
I have been a teacher for over 20 years.
What do you do? Or in school?
@EnergySensitive. What are u anxious about? I know u said you are a teacher. Is it the students? Coworker?
i work in Accounting. Ive done that for the past 9 years. I like my job, fortunately. I used to struggle with SH a lot. But I have been free of it for about 3 years now. I joined the site because I do still have urges to SH. I have managed to overcome it so far and not relapse. Right now struggling with forgiveness has brought on SH urges.
If you are wondering...I am in my 30s.
@abitok0412 I'm anxious because I have to face the world again and live my life as if I were ok. Not the kids! They are the only thing that bring me any joy! I have a great class of 4-5 year olds. They amaze me! Coworkers......more than half suck! Lazy, ignorant, and rude. Back stabbers!!! It's like every man for themselves except for the cliques.
At work I'm usually distracted enough to keep the depression, anxiety, and panic at Bay. Not always. The environment can be toxic. All my pent up anger at the end of the day builds up because I have no one to talk to about my day. There's so much more going on as well.
I'm 41. I've struggled with SH since middle School. Now it's speratic. Been having some set backs recently. Just feeling overwhelmed!
So, I didn't pay attention on your profile, if it's there, but are you in america? If so what time zone?
@EnergySensitive, yes. I live in the US. Eastern time. Co-workers can be difficult to deal with. I always just do my job and go home. I dont put too much effort into socializing with co-workers. The people I have in my life outside of work are what matters (and I really only have one person outside work). Sounds like the kids are awesome and make u happy. Thats something to be proud of. Do you have hobbies? Do u like to do any kinds of crafts?
@abitok0412 .I have no hobbies anymore. Two years ago my lfel changed drastically and I completely lost myself and I still have not find it.
@EnergySensitive. Are you an American? Did u grow up in the U.S.?
It is easy to lose yourself in this world. I was lost and completely unhappy for years. I felt surrounded in total darkness and I had no real friends to help me. My emotions were released through self harm cause I had no one to talk to.
But there is hope. I found my way into a better life and the darkness slowly lifted. My life is in a much better place now and I am grateful. I just struggle from time to time with forgiving myself for mistakes that hurt me and others.
Do u want to talk about what happened that caused such a change in your life? We have time so if you arent ready, I understand.
@abitok0412. Hi, sorry, wasn't ignoring you. I went to bed very early last night. I will tell you why or what happened but I don't have time now. Have to go into work and it's kind of a long story.
Hope you have a good day! I'll be on later. I have a scheduled chat with a listener at 4:00.
Yes I'm American. Born and raised in same state my whole life.
@EnergySensitive
Very long story so here is a quick chronological time line:
December 2014, my "second mom" moved hundreds of miles away. My only real support. She was my energy healer but it evolved to a more intimate relationship, mother, daughter. Only human touch. When she moved I was unemployed.
Feb 2014 took a shit job! 3 months later I was offered my dream job. I was going to help open a brand new childcare learning center for a lady. I put my hear and soul in it. I worked someone's 12-14 hrs a day but would be paid for 8. Ok, my choice to work that much. I did everything!! I created all paperwork, contracts, maintained files, trained teachers, lisencing, assistant director, pre-teacher, and school age teacher. Like I said, I didn't everything and got them up and running. They used me for six months, kept all my paperwork. Lied at unmployment t......oh and called a racist! First of all I chose to work in an area where I was a minority.
November 23, 2015 fired
November 24, 2015 my grandmother died, 2 days before Thanksgiving. Mind you 3 years prior my cousin died 2 days before Thanksgiving. So twice my family had a death, Thanksgiving, and a funeral the day after.
Ok gets worse, way worst!! For me anyway. I will continue later. Been on here since 4:00! But I'll be back!
@EnergySensitive. Sorry that you had someone you were very close to move so far away. Sucks. Do u still talk?
Being fired for no reason is a big blow. Its a shame that the people there couldnt see the value you brought to the business. Sounds like you are a very intelligent and hard working person.
Im so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Deaths are hard to deal with, even more so when its close to a holiday. I lost my 9 yr old cousin 3 days before my birthday. And this past Thanksgiving we lost another cousin who was 45. My grandfather passed away right after New Years. It sucks. I take comfort in knowing they are in a better place though.
Talk soon!
@abitok0412. Yes she and i talk frequently. It's different but she's still in my life. She is now a Reike healer. She and some masters are always sending me long distance healings. The story of her and I is quite interesting. We feel each other's energy. I have been sitting here in tears before and she will call and say what's wrong. Very connected.
I'm sorry for your lists. It's so hard especially near a holiday.
So little more....
After my grandmother's service our plan was to have our last Christmas there as every year of my life before. Big family but that house was our staple. Many traditions, memories etc.... As with any death. That Christmas did not happen because my aunt who was living there at the time needed emergency surgery.
Between October when my mom's best friend died and Christmas my family buried 4 friends.
Ok January 2016, new year. Still unemployed. Just felt kicked so many times trouble getting up.
February 4, 2016 I found out my father had stage four inoperable lung cancer. Mind you the week he was diagnosed he played 2 days, 27 holes of golf and had just shoveled out a blizzard. February 5th he began having mini strokes. He continued to have strokes leaving his left side paralyzed. They could not tell what was stroke damage and what was cancer that had now taken over his brain. No chemo, no radiation. Sent to hospice, they kicked him out, I guess he wasn't dying quickly enough. We took him home and March 6, 2016 I watched my father take his last breath. Four weeks!!! I will never get the visions out of my head!
Then to add to it all! My family decided I was basically a piece of crap. My sister and I do not talk. I will never forgive her. Another Story. My aunt's no longer speak to me but they speak to my sister!!! Another long story!!
The losses and knock downs continue, however I do not need to spit it all at you in one swoop!! I will come up for air and continue tomorrow.
A positive, I had an ok day at work, and talking to you has occupied my mind! So thank you!
Your turn!!! The good or the bad or the random!
@EnergySensitive.
I am so glad that it has been helpful talking with me! And, I am glad that you have found a listener to speak with as well.
I
@abitok0412. People are so cruel!! It's easy to believe that they themselves have esteem issues but it's not easy to accept. We just turn it in wards. I guess in a way because we're uncomfortable we look different. Those are the people that are not true friends. A friend asks what's wrong!
In middle school I was in "The Clique" of the whole school, only I was on the outside. I was close with some but as a group I was often invisible. I was more the pawn of some. Long story, where I don't like what I had done. I had been a bully. After apologizing to the girl, who by the way had to transfer highschool's because this group, and sadly I, had turned the whole middle school and next year's highschool against her. Me trying to fit in causes me horrible guilt to this day. On my behalf of being a bully, I'm truly sorry.
Well I stepped up on my own and apologized to the girl and her family. Guess what?? No everyone is against me. I'm going into highschool on the outside of everyone! My only saving grace that was I didn't know many high schoolers going in and I was able to have a great freshman year, ok, sophomore year blah, junior and senior I was dating a guy already graduated so I hung with all his friends. Then of course more dama for later!!
Although I made a horrible choice being a bully and I remember it every day, I learned a hard lifetime lesson. I even share that story with my class, with a lot of missing parts!! LOL
Ive been up since four, left house at 5:30 am and didn't get home til almost 7 pm. I'm exhausted!!
I hope you have a great night! And I'm glad you are happy for all you have. Thoughts take us bad places. Try buying a cheap doll, and as crazy as it sounds, take the urge out on the doll.
Just a suggestion
@EnergySensitive.
We have all done things we regret, especially when trying to fit in. Even though it didnt turn out the way you would have liked, I think it was very brave of you to apologize for your actions. Im sure on some level, the girl you bullied was glad you apologized.
Ok. So I moved into an apartment with my friend from where I grew up. She was a bit on the wild side to say the least. She smoked pot and brought guys home from bars and drank, etc. etc. She stole from me and hardly ever spent any time with me as a friend. So, one day she introduces me to this really nice and cute guy. As time goes on, I find myself liking him a lot! One night we go to hang out at the local bar and I had one drink. Next thing I know the room is spinning and I cant see clearly. My roommate finds me on the bathroom floor and has someone drive me home. I barely remember this. Once home and up in my bed, I hear someone come in my room (my roommate had brought the guy I liked back to our apartment and dropped him off while she went on to someone elses place). So, Yea, you guessed it….he gets on top of me and starts feeling me up while I lie there sick as a dog from whatever someone put in my drink that night.
Later my roommate comes in while he is on top of me….says sorry and closes the door. Like, hello, you saw how sick I was! Could you not see that this might not be the best situation?!?! So, the next day I say something and no one seems to think its a big deal. They are like, so what, you had a few drinks and made out. It happens….
So, I kept it locked inside me and told no one else about it again (more SH). I pretended it was no big deal, even when I saw HIM. Eventually, we all graduated and moved our separate ways. I never saw him again after college.
Then comes the part about where I really have trouble forgiving myself. Im going to take a break.
@EnergySensitive
Part II:
A couple years passed since the college incident. I worked at a drug store. I would often go to the house of a co-worker and hang out. She was about 10 years older than me. At the time, I was in my mid 20s. She was a very unhappy person and her marriage was a very unhappy one. She and her husband did not get along at all. And she had already been divorced once. I think we were kind of a should for each other.
Anyway, one New Year
@abitok0412. Hey, sorry I didn't reply to part one earlier, I had an appointment.
Part one: WFT????? So your roommate watched and allowed you to get raped???? That's just pure evil. Especially if it were a set up. I cannot express enough the empathy I feel for you to have to go through that. But!!!!! You cannot blame yourself.
Before replying to Part Two, I will tell you about my POS college roommate. I was transferring to a university from a community college. I needed a place to live. She asked if I partied. I say yes. I just left out the part that I began drinking in middle school and by senior year I would come home drink and pass out. Weekends partied with drinkers! However I was the youngest and drinking more than anyone. At times even my 6'4 250 lb boyfriend. They were going to have an intervention but before they could I began taking medicine for depression. Drinking made me sick! So I'm 21-22 trying desperately trying to find a place to live. If answered no, I don't party I knew I'd lose the apartment.
I move in with a girl my age and 2 guys that are 19. No idea that they didn't speak or that I moved into this huge feud!!!! I quickly realized why they did not like her. Moody, rude,bossy, and drunk. The fact that I had lied about partying was thrown in my face. I had only smoked pot a dozen times or so with different people but hadn't done in for a while. To calm the storm I agreed to smoke. We began doing it regularly. But she was still a freaky bitch!
The guys won't speak to me. I've lived there a few months. I finally told them that because I shared a room with her did not mean I was on her side of whatever was going on I was nutural and she was just a crazy bitch. So the guys and I would hang out when she wasn't there but pretended I was on her side to keep the peace.
HOWEVER! She had been out drinking. The guys ,(19) were having a frat party that was not out of hand at all. I was just chilling in my room. Psycho roommate came home at ,2:00 am, the guys were drinking, playing pool, listening to music, and smoking. Like I said it was calm and they were doing what she would have been doing if she was home. She came in said she would be back later and left. It's 2:00am, so I realized she was going to a friend's to call the cops. IM 21AND THE GUYS ARE NOT!!! And she knows there's pot. I'm the one of age, I'm gonna go down. I told the guys my suspicion and said just tone it down some and went to my room. Frantic knock on my bedroom door. My guy roommate is freaking because the cops are here. Pissed. Knowing who called I went out and explained that our roommate was crazy. Never addressed drinking. When they left they said if they received another noise complaint everyone on the lease would have a $500 fine. Like 10 minutes later she calls and asks what's up. After chewing her out I explained how her plan to get them would actually fall on me. Then I said, go ahead and call in another complaint because everyone on the lease will be fined. She's on the lease not me!!!!!
So I did not have quit a cold hearted roommate as you did, but mine....... She was........not right. Thank God she moved!!! Wish karma had gotten her. I am so sorry you experienced what you did. No one should go through that. And to be set up!! It disgusts me and I honestly wish I could give you a hug right now!
So my roommate rant went on for a while and I need to do a few things. I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN PART 2!!!
Unfortunately I have to jump off but before I do I want to at least acknowledge what you said. First. Have you ever turned right when you should have turned left? Have you ever accidentally called someone the wrong name? WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES!!
Until I can really respond I want you to keep telling yourself that!!!!! Thank you for sharing and I will respond to part 2 as soon as I can!!!
Have a good night!
@abitok0412. Hey! I have not forgotten part 2. I've been up sinse 4 am. I did do some shopping but then I wasted time and I need to go into work.
I won't be back on til 3-3:30
Have an awesome day!
@abitok0412
I'm sorry that you haven't found someone who has helped you yet. It's a really bad feeling to have to experienced on this site. Sometimes finding the right person can take awhile. I hope you can get the help that you deserve here because you matter and sharing your story is super important <3
@abitok0412 @EnergySensitive
I'm really sorry this site doesn't seem to help you. It can take a while to find a listener you can really connect with, but it is so worth it when you do. I really hope you continue seeking help- I suggest using the Browse Listeners page (click chat at the top left of this site and then browse listeners) and search based on cheers. It's what I used to do as a member- generally the more cheers a listener has, the higher the listener level and more experience they have. But most of all, it's about connection. It doesn't matter how much experience they have, as long as you feel a connection wth them.
In the meantime, subcommunities are a great place to start! For some subcoms, you can also post in the thread "New to this community this month? Post here!" (Something along the lines of that) and you'll get a nice welcome and meet new people!
Sorry for the long post, but I hope this helps! Good luck, and keep trying! xx
@abitok0412
I often feel this way too. It seems much more helpful to me to browse through listeners and find someone who suits my needs (which usually takes me a few pages of looking)
Connecting to random listeners is 99% newbies and takes a long time.
@Magpi3ty I know right. Most of the listeners I encounter are new and I ran into problems where they said they were still too new to the site to help me! Really!??
I haven't even tried to find a listener again. All the ones i tried said they were new or never answered me back.
Take care
@abitok0412 Hey. I'm sorry you feel like this. I've only just joined so I'm still getting used to it all. However, I'm always happy to talk in forums and things! I hope that things get better for you soon. It's a really horrible way to feel, I understand.
@abitok0412
What do you need to forgive yourself for?.sorry you have had no success
@abitok0412
Spoiler Alert! You gave it away! I'm going to 7cups jail!!!
@EnergySensitive
what are you talking about?
@EnergySensitive
I don't even know what you were trying to do since you didn't tell me ahead of time...
@abitok0412
Just messing with you! So did you write it down? Now we can chat in real privacy!
@EnergySensitive
No. like I said...I wasn't told ahead of time what I was looking for or what you were trying to do. So I don't know if you were trying to stay on this site or go to another site or what.
@abitok0412
Sorry. Being incognito! So I'll post it again on my feed because I can delete that. Not sure if you can delete a whole thread. So get a pen write it down. Posting now. Let me know
@EnergySensitive
Ok...got it
@abitok0412
Cool! Shoot me one. Or go through Hangouts. Are you comfortable with sharing